24 weeks + 2 days, 7 weeks + 4 days post rupture, day 6 at my parent's place. (doctors consider me 24 weeks today)
The hardest part of this situation is the lack of control. My hopes and wishes have no bearing on the outcome. They didn't last time and they certainly haven't this time.
When you have no control over a situation many people turn to God. They rail at God for the unfairness of the situation. They are angry at God. Or maybe they feel God supports them, or will take care of everything in the end. They feel they are on a path and maybe the terrible situation is just part of that path.
Since I don't believe there is a 'God' overlooking my life, I have no one to 'blame' or feel angry at. It also means I have no one (including God) that I feel has any control. I have no idea why this has happened to us (again), and I hate thinking that 'someone' such as 'God' could have 'decided' to deal us such a horrible situation twice in a row, less than a year apart. What possible 'lesson' did I need to 'learn' that I didn't grasp LAST YEAR, the FIRST TIME this happened?
When I was born with a heart defect, my parents asked themselves a lot of the same questions. "Why us? Why our baby?" and my great-uncle (who lived to be 90 something and was a very smart guy), said "Why not you? You are not exempt from life's struggles". My parents told me this story years ago, and I found it helped me after Aidan died. Yes, why not me? I did nothing to deserve it, but nor was I exempt. Sometimes babies die. Sometimes it's my baby.
Entering this pregnancy, I also referred back to this idea and looked at it from the flip side. Because if you aren't exempt from life's downturns, you also aren't exempt from upswings either. Good is just as likely to happen to you as bad. And hey, losing a baby is pretty bad...but hey, it's also pretty rare! So, with this in mind, it could not be more of a blow to find ourselves here again. How could this happen? Why did this happen? Will it always happen? No one knows. It's exhausting to think about. Honestly, I think I'm done with this 'growing as a person' shit. I just want something to be easy. I want to float around in blousy maternity clothes and complain that the weather is 'too hot' and that I feel 'big as a whale' and that "I'm 24 weeks and I've hardly done anything on the baby's room!". I want my most stressful doctor's appointment to be concerning my glucose tolerance test. "Damn, an orange fuzzy drink that tastes gross...it just about ruined my day!". I want the baby shower, the embarrassing belly rubs in public places, the (almost) certainty that I will one day be addressed as "Mommy".
Sure the situation could be worse, I suppose, but it could also be a HELL of a lot better. Why isn't it? Why us (AGAIN)? Go away, fate, destiny, God, the universe, karma...pick on someone else for a change.
So, since I have no God to really question as to why I ended up on 'this side of the fence' again, no all mighty power I can trust to 'ensure everything is okay', I'm almost embarrassed to admit how superstitious I am. I have a hard time planning for even later in a day "just in case I jinx it" and I dare not plan for tomorrow. When we talk about 'the baby', my husband and I have given in to crossing our fingers (and toes, and occasionally our eyes). Up until my membranes ruptured we were knocking on wood. Obviously that wasn't terribly successful so we had to switch tactics.
Last Friday I allowed myself to go sit in a chair on my parent's deck, just to get some sunshine. I had my husband take a few photos and then immediately thought "oh no, why did I do that?!" Last time we took outdoor photos of me during my pregnancy was April 19th or 20th 2010...and 2 days later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then there are the pyjama bottoms I was wearing when I started gushing blood when I was pregnant with Aidan...it's been over a year and I've hardly worn them since. Now that all this has happened, I don't even like touching them. Even my doctor's office feels tainted. Maybe we should have insisted on a new OB (heart defect and best prenatal care in the province be damned!) because I can hardly stand to hear the guy's voice. These are all the stupid ways I feel 'in control', when I logically realize none of them matter.
How I wish I could do something that matters. Something that could make a difference.
If we could Acorn, we would. Mommy and Daddy love you.
How do you deal with the loss of control? What makes you feel more in control of your situation?