March 12th-March 28th 2010 (17 weeks + 5 days to 20 weeks)
Brian and I spent these two weeks sliding in and out of hope. We knew what they had found on the ultrasound was bad...really bad...like probably not going to make it bad. But, how could we give up all hope when my belly kept getting bigger, and our baby still had a heartbeat (I checked every 2 days with the doppler)? We googled endlessly. Trying to find ANYONE else with the diagnosis that we had received regarding my placenta (Breus mole...look it up, I dare you). I remember at one point saying "I'm going to hold this baby in until 37 weeks, Doctors be damned!" Ha. If only.
March 29th 2010 (20 weeks + 1 day)
I started to have that crampy, irritated feeling in my uterus that I hadn't had in awhile...but I knew what was coming. Another big bleed. So I called the nurse at my OB's office and her response was that I should go to L&D triage since I was 'over 20 weeks' (hard not to snort at that one...hello...I'm 20 weeks and ONE FREAKIN' DAY...there isn't much they are going to be able to do for me or my little baby). But off we went. It's not that I thought there was anything they could do for me (or Aidan) per say, but I was afraid of going into labour and delivering my baby on my bathroom floor (which I've since learned is other people's reality...seriously, that must suck). As we drove there, I remember looking out at the blue sky and thinking "this might be the last day I'm pregnant". It all felt very surreal. We arrived at L&D triage around 4pm-ish, and waited, and waited. I ended up getting blood work and an internal exam (fun!) while continuing to pass large amounts of blood. They said I should stick around for an ultrasound. All this waiting time allowed me to sit and watch all the other pregnant ladies. There were some who were obviously ready to pop and were breathing through contractions holding on to their partners hands. There was a woman who was 23 weeks and feeling 'crampy'. She and her husband looked like they were dressed for a night out at the theatre, not an evening sitting in the hospital (perhaps they dressed up for the occasion?) There was a young woman (teenager?) who looked to be about 28-30 weeks who had to be told by a bunch of nurses and doctors that she needed to take it easy and give up working. She was upset because if she didn't work, she wouldn't make any money. Her mother kept reassuring her that things would be fine and that she wouldn't starve. I wished it was a restaurant and I could say "I'll have what she's having".
I sat there and silently cried. I kept getting pitying looks from the other mommies. One woman even said as she was leaving "I hope things work out for you". That was nice, but made me cry more.
I felt so out of place being there. I didn't know any of these women's health histories or pregnancy stories, but they sure as hell were likely in better straights then me and Aidan were. It also became clear to us after many, many hours of (stressful!) waiting that we were being passed over. Now, in medical terms this is called 'triaging' and as a nurse, I understand this reasoning. All of the other mommies there had babies that could be potentially saved, if they were indeed in labour or were having pregnancy problems. My little 20 week (PLUS ONE DAY...DON'T FORGET THE ONE DAY!!!) pregnancy would not be saved if something were to happen right that very second. But it hurt SO much to feel left behind. Like no one cared. Like no one understood that I was very very worried, very very scared, and very very attached to this little person. Like it was just their job.
Finally around MIDNIGHT, 8 hours after we arrived, once the waiting room had cleared out and all the 'real' mommies had been dealt with, we got sent down for our ultrasound. My bleeding had slowed somewhat by this point. However, once the ultrasound was fired up it was immediately clear that our poor baby was dealing with lack of fluid and space issues and that nothing had improved from our last ultrasound. They couldn't get a good picture of his head or torso, but he "appeared to be measuring on track". The same doctor who had done our disastrous ultrasound at 17 weeks was on call that night and came in to see me. He warned me again that things didn't look good and that "this might not end well" because these bleeding episodes are a "powerful uterine irritant". Translation: he expected me to go into labour at any time and that they would likely not be able to save my baby. On the up side my hemoglobin levels were just fine (no anemia for me...my body must be keeping up with my losses), but he suggested that I start taking iron pills in preparation for further bleeding episodes. All in all, not very reassuring.
We left the hospital again, with Aidan still in my belly, and went home to cry ourselves to sleep.
Showing posts with label How it all went down. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How it all went down. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
How it all went down (Part 8) "The News"
Okay folks. If you are like me, you skip right to the part on people's blogs where you find out 'what the hell happened'. So here it is.
March 8th (or 9th or 10th, not exactly sure) 2010
After our appointment the previous week with my OB, Dr. S, I went home feeling pretty upset about his assessment of my heart's ability to deal with labour. I kept thinking about my husband's and my mom's comments that "I was getting the best care". I finally came to the conclusion that if I felt this bad about it, then it was not "good care". I planned to discuss my options with the cardiologist the following week.
And, speaking of that appointment the following week...I wasn't totally comfortable with my OB's assessment that the continued bleeding I had been experiencing for WEEKS now was "just the clot bleeding out". It seemed wrong somehow. I was still confident that everything was okay, because we still had a good heart beat every time we checked with the Doppler (which I did on a daily basis), but I just wanted an ultrasound to confirm it. So I called up the nurse at the clinic and asked about getting one. She responded that if my doctor thought everything was okay then it probably was. My response "I know he's not concerned, but I'm concerned". So she talked to the nurses at the fetal medicine unit and they agreed to do an ultrasound when I came in on March 11th. Secretly I was pleased, not just because this was a way to ease my fears and make sure everything was okay, but also because maybe they would be able to see if my baby had boy or girl parts.
Oh, how I wish the next appointment ended with "well everything looks good and you're having a boy!". Oh, how I wish.
March 11th 2010 (a.k.a. Doom's Day) 17 weeks and 4 days.
We arrived for the appointment early and had to wait around a bit. Brian and I had hoped that we'd get to see the baby in the ultrasound and then he was planning to go to work in the afternoon while I stayed for my cardiac ECHO. Best laid plans...
So the nice nurse Kristie, who I had met at my last appointment at the fetal medicine unit took us in and asked us how things were going. I told her about the continued bleeding and that I just wanted to make sure things were okay. She completely agreed that I definitely needed to be followed up. So up I went on the ultrasound table, and on went the (nicely warmed) goo. We had asked ahead of time if Kristie could see boy or girl parts could she let us know.
Then she started to roll the wand around...and things got quiet. As I was laying there I saw her looking really hard at the screen, and I saw Brian trying to take video of our baby with his camera. I kept waiting for Kristie to say how cute our baby was like at our last ultrasound, but she stayed quiet. I just thought she was looking for the sex. Any second she was going to say "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl"...but the seconds got longer and longer.
When she finally spoke, it was not with joy or happiness...it was with grave concern. She said "Emily...have you noticed any fluid leaking...because I'm not seeing a lot of fluid around your baby". I managed to say "No, but with all the blood that's come out, it's hard to tell". Then Brian, who had been standing at the end of the exam table sat down really hard in one of the chairs and got really quiet. Kristie left to go and get the doctor and Brian started rubbing my ankle. I think it was around this point that I started to cry.
You know it's bad when the doctor comes rushing in to see you not 5 minutes later. He gets a hold of the ultrasound wand and starts getting images of his own. What he tells us is not good. My placenta has what looks like clots all through it. Rather than looking like a pancake, nicely tucked up against the wall of the uterus, my placenta looks like a muffin top. The placenta is so large it seems to be taking up the space the baby is in. The only good news is that baby seems to be growing appropriately and is getting good blood flow. Otherwise our hopes of having a healthy baby have just plummeted. Basically I'm now at risk of intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), abruption and fetal demise. None of this is good news.
The rest of the afternoon was spent getting a pap test done to check for leaking amniotic fluid (they couldn't find any...but I'm betting now there just wasn't any to find, it was all gone by then). I also had blood work done to rule out any clotting disorders which are apparently associated with the type of condition my placenta seemed to have developed. The fetal medicine specialist we were dealing with went and spoke to another doctor who is a placental specialist and he agreed it looked like a "Breus mole" (Google it...there is almost NOTHING about it on the web...although we later found out it's also called a subchorionic thromohematoma).
Before we left at the end of the day, I asked Dr. R. if we had any reason to hope. He said "well...these things are like red flags...we'll have to keep a close eye on it"...but he didn't sound hopeful at all.
In all of this I missed my cardiology appointment. When I finally saw her at the end of the day, Dr. S. was very nice and very human and agreed that my ECHO could wait for a few more weeks until things were more settled. I was glad of this. All we wanted to do was go home and cry.
So we did. Lots. We both cried so much we threw up.
So while our son actually died almost 6 weeks later, we psychologically started grieving him from this point. Grieving the loss of a healthy pregnancy (not that it had been so wonderful up to this point...but we had hopes it would improve) and preparing to possibly grieve the loss of our baby. Their was so little fluid during the ultrasound they couldn't even tell if it was a boy or girl. We didn't even know which we were preparing to grieve the loss of.
But, I'm so glad we got those extra few weeks. Most importantly it allowed us to see him in a more developed form, so that we could see just how much he looked like Brian. It warms my heart to see his beautiful photos. I'm glad we got those. Extra time allowed me to get a bit of a pregnant belly going, which was really cute. It also gave me hope that my heart could tolerate a full term pregnancy (if and when) it happens for us. And, most important to the rest of our lives is that extra time allowed me to get past the 20 week mark, so that I was guaranteed the 17 week maternity leave, which I'm now using to get back into shape and get a handle on how I'm going to get through the rest of my life.
Without my son.
March 8th (or 9th or 10th, not exactly sure) 2010
After our appointment the previous week with my OB, Dr. S, I went home feeling pretty upset about his assessment of my heart's ability to deal with labour. I kept thinking about my husband's and my mom's comments that "I was getting the best care". I finally came to the conclusion that if I felt this bad about it, then it was not "good care". I planned to discuss my options with the cardiologist the following week.
And, speaking of that appointment the following week...I wasn't totally comfortable with my OB's assessment that the continued bleeding I had been experiencing for WEEKS now was "just the clot bleeding out". It seemed wrong somehow. I was still confident that everything was okay, because we still had a good heart beat every time we checked with the Doppler (which I did on a daily basis), but I just wanted an ultrasound to confirm it. So I called up the nurse at the clinic and asked about getting one. She responded that if my doctor thought everything was okay then it probably was. My response "I know he's not concerned, but I'm concerned". So she talked to the nurses at the fetal medicine unit and they agreed to do an ultrasound when I came in on March 11th. Secretly I was pleased, not just because this was a way to ease my fears and make sure everything was okay, but also because maybe they would be able to see if my baby had boy or girl parts.
Oh, how I wish the next appointment ended with "well everything looks good and you're having a boy!". Oh, how I wish.
March 11th 2010 (a.k.a. Doom's Day) 17 weeks and 4 days.
We arrived for the appointment early and had to wait around a bit. Brian and I had hoped that we'd get to see the baby in the ultrasound and then he was planning to go to work in the afternoon while I stayed for my cardiac ECHO. Best laid plans...
So the nice nurse Kristie, who I had met at my last appointment at the fetal medicine unit took us in and asked us how things were going. I told her about the continued bleeding and that I just wanted to make sure things were okay. She completely agreed that I definitely needed to be followed up. So up I went on the ultrasound table, and on went the (nicely warmed) goo. We had asked ahead of time if Kristie could see boy or girl parts could she let us know.
Then she started to roll the wand around...and things got quiet. As I was laying there I saw her looking really hard at the screen, and I saw Brian trying to take video of our baby with his camera. I kept waiting for Kristie to say how cute our baby was like at our last ultrasound, but she stayed quiet. I just thought she was looking for the sex. Any second she was going to say "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl"...but the seconds got longer and longer.
When she finally spoke, it was not with joy or happiness...it was with grave concern. She said "Emily...have you noticed any fluid leaking...because I'm not seeing a lot of fluid around your baby". I managed to say "No, but with all the blood that's come out, it's hard to tell". Then Brian, who had been standing at the end of the exam table sat down really hard in one of the chairs and got really quiet. Kristie left to go and get the doctor and Brian started rubbing my ankle. I think it was around this point that I started to cry.
You know it's bad when the doctor comes rushing in to see you not 5 minutes later. He gets a hold of the ultrasound wand and starts getting images of his own. What he tells us is not good. My placenta has what looks like clots all through it. Rather than looking like a pancake, nicely tucked up against the wall of the uterus, my placenta looks like a muffin top. The placenta is so large it seems to be taking up the space the baby is in. The only good news is that baby seems to be growing appropriately and is getting good blood flow. Otherwise our hopes of having a healthy baby have just plummeted. Basically I'm now at risk of intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), abruption and fetal demise. None of this is good news.
The rest of the afternoon was spent getting a pap test done to check for leaking amniotic fluid (they couldn't find any...but I'm betting now there just wasn't any to find, it was all gone by then). I also had blood work done to rule out any clotting disorders which are apparently associated with the type of condition my placenta seemed to have developed. The fetal medicine specialist we were dealing with went and spoke to another doctor who is a placental specialist and he agreed it looked like a "Breus mole" (Google it...there is almost NOTHING about it on the web...although we later found out it's also called a subchorionic thromohematoma).
Before we left at the end of the day, I asked Dr. R. if we had any reason to hope. He said "well...these things are like red flags...we'll have to keep a close eye on it"...but he didn't sound hopeful at all.
In all of this I missed my cardiology appointment. When I finally saw her at the end of the day, Dr. S. was very nice and very human and agreed that my ECHO could wait for a few more weeks until things were more settled. I was glad of this. All we wanted to do was go home and cry.
So we did. Lots. We both cried so much we threw up.
So while our son actually died almost 6 weeks later, we psychologically started grieving him from this point. Grieving the loss of a healthy pregnancy (not that it had been so wonderful up to this point...but we had hopes it would improve) and preparing to possibly grieve the loss of our baby. Their was so little fluid during the ultrasound they couldn't even tell if it was a boy or girl. We didn't even know which we were preparing to grieve the loss of.
But, I'm so glad we got those extra few weeks. Most importantly it allowed us to see him in a more developed form, so that we could see just how much he looked like Brian. It warms my heart to see his beautiful photos. I'm glad we got those. Extra time allowed me to get a bit of a pregnant belly going, which was really cute. It also gave me hope that my heart could tolerate a full term pregnancy (if and when) it happens for us. And, most important to the rest of our lives is that extra time allowed me to get past the 20 week mark, so that I was guaranteed the 17 week maternity leave, which I'm now using to get back into shape and get a handle on how I'm going to get through the rest of my life.
Without my son.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
How it all went down (Part 7)
March 4th 2010
This was the first time I met my OB. I was 16 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I thought this was late in my pregnancy to first be meeting with my OB...but that's the way it worked out. Because of my heart condition I had to have one specific OB...him and no other. I was also to be followed by a cardiologist who deals with pregnant women with cardiac defects. You can see how specialized we are getting here. This OB was on the 'other team' from the fetal medicine specialist that we saw at our 13 week appointment. Our shiny new OB was pegged as the one to 'deal' with my maternal medicine 'issue'. Super.
Let me just say right off, that a male, high risk OB was not what I would have wanted. In another dimension where my heart was perfect and healthy and whole, I would have wanted a female midwife or OB, a hospital birth but no epidural, and for the baby to be placed on my chest as soon as he or she was born.
Of course in this other dimension my son was also alive and full term...but I digress.
I went to my first high risk OB appointment with lots of questions. In October 2008, Brian and I had 'pre-pregnancy counselling' with the aforementioned cardiologist to discuss the risks of pregnancy. We were told I had a *small* chance of heart failure, arrhythmias or death. The cardiologist felt, however, that I was 'healthy' enough to attempt a pregnancy. So here we were a year and a half later, and that 'attempt' had become a reality. I wanted to grill my new OB on what to expect both later in my pregnancy, and during labour and delivery. I wanted reassurance that he thought I would do well, and that generally they were expecting a completely normal delivery.
Instead, I felt he made me more upset. He told me that I might only make it to about 35-37 weeks of pregnancy due to the stress on my heart. I was not to labour at home for any length of time. I needed to be monitored in the hospital. I would need an epidural. I would likely have a vacuum or forceps delivery to avoid the 'pushing' part of labour. I would need antibiotics after delivery. All of this I knew before meeting with him, but it still hurt to hear him say it so plainly. Although I wanted the absolute safest thing done for both me and my baby, I also felt that he negated any strength that my heart and my body possess. This OB knew nothing about my heart before walking in to see me, other than my diagnosis. Did he know that generally I function like a normal person? Did he know that I can walk up stairs? That I can run (albeit for short distances)? My heart doesn't slow me down on a day to day basis...was delivering a baby really that much of a strain? He made me more fearful.
I also asked the OB about my current bed rest situation and about my on-going bleeding. The bleeding was dimissed all together as 'likely the clot bleeding out'. Um...ok. But, he said that I definitely SHOULD NOT be on bed rest due to my increased risk for blood clots, which bed rest can cause. However, then he shocked both me and my husband by following this information up with, "but, your job is pretty stressful, so why don't you just stay home for the rest of your pregnancy and take it easy". Looking back, I'm not sure if he said he would keep me off work because he thought that's what I wanted, or if he really thought that would be best for my heart. In any case, the on-going bleeding did not get investigated with an ultrasound...which at the time Brian and I had been hoping for in case they could determine the sex. Oh...how naive we were.
I left that appointment feeling confused...this was the 'best' care...so why was I so upset? I think I just wanted some choice in the matter. If the OB had approached it as "these are our recommendations..." then I think I would have felt more like I was 'choosing'. Yes, I want an epidural, a highly monitored delivery, a vacuum extraction, lots of antibiotics and the next 6 (!) months off of work in order to have a healthy baby. And I would have chosen that...no question. I was just angry that, once again, I felt like a failure before I'd even tried. That despite my body being able to 'so far' do well with a very stressful pregnancy, my doctor didn't have confidence in my ability to 'handle it'.
In the end, however, that's not what we got. A week later, my whole world would change.
This was the first time I met my OB. I was 16 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I thought this was late in my pregnancy to first be meeting with my OB...but that's the way it worked out. Because of my heart condition I had to have one specific OB...him and no other. I was also to be followed by a cardiologist who deals with pregnant women with cardiac defects. You can see how specialized we are getting here. This OB was on the 'other team' from the fetal medicine specialist that we saw at our 13 week appointment. Our shiny new OB was pegged as the one to 'deal' with my maternal medicine 'issue'. Super.
Let me just say right off, that a male, high risk OB was not what I would have wanted. In another dimension where my heart was perfect and healthy and whole, I would have wanted a female midwife or OB, a hospital birth but no epidural, and for the baby to be placed on my chest as soon as he or she was born.
Of course in this other dimension my son was also alive and full term...but I digress.
I went to my first high risk OB appointment with lots of questions. In October 2008, Brian and I had 'pre-pregnancy counselling' with the aforementioned cardiologist to discuss the risks of pregnancy. We were told I had a *small* chance of heart failure, arrhythmias or death. The cardiologist felt, however, that I was 'healthy' enough to attempt a pregnancy. So here we were a year and a half later, and that 'attempt' had become a reality. I wanted to grill my new OB on what to expect both later in my pregnancy, and during labour and delivery. I wanted reassurance that he thought I would do well, and that generally they were expecting a completely normal delivery.
Instead, I felt he made me more upset. He told me that I might only make it to about 35-37 weeks of pregnancy due to the stress on my heart. I was not to labour at home for any length of time. I needed to be monitored in the hospital. I would need an epidural. I would likely have a vacuum or forceps delivery to avoid the 'pushing' part of labour. I would need antibiotics after delivery. All of this I knew before meeting with him, but it still hurt to hear him say it so plainly. Although I wanted the absolute safest thing done for both me and my baby, I also felt that he negated any strength that my heart and my body possess. This OB knew nothing about my heart before walking in to see me, other than my diagnosis. Did he know that generally I function like a normal person? Did he know that I can walk up stairs? That I can run (albeit for short distances)? My heart doesn't slow me down on a day to day basis...was delivering a baby really that much of a strain? He made me more fearful.
I also asked the OB about my current bed rest situation and about my on-going bleeding. The bleeding was dimissed all together as 'likely the clot bleeding out'. Um...ok. But, he said that I definitely SHOULD NOT be on bed rest due to my increased risk for blood clots, which bed rest can cause. However, then he shocked both me and my husband by following this information up with, "but, your job is pretty stressful, so why don't you just stay home for the rest of your pregnancy and take it easy". Looking back, I'm not sure if he said he would keep me off work because he thought that's what I wanted, or if he really thought that would be best for my heart. In any case, the on-going bleeding did not get investigated with an ultrasound...which at the time Brian and I had been hoping for in case they could determine the sex. Oh...how naive we were.
I left that appointment feeling confused...this was the 'best' care...so why was I so upset? I think I just wanted some choice in the matter. If the OB had approached it as "these are our recommendations..." then I think I would have felt more like I was 'choosing'. Yes, I want an epidural, a highly monitored delivery, a vacuum extraction, lots of antibiotics and the next 6 (!) months off of work in order to have a healthy baby. And I would have chosen that...no question. I was just angry that, once again, I felt like a failure before I'd even tried. That despite my body being able to 'so far' do well with a very stressful pregnancy, my doctor didn't have confidence in my ability to 'handle it'.
In the end, however, that's not what we got. A week later, my whole world would change.
How it all went down (Part 6)
February 13th-March 3rd 2010
These were the best weeks of my pregnancy. I was still on 'couch' rest for most of it, so I watched a lot of Olympics. I think I saw most of the Canadian medal winning performances...it was fun...it was something to occupy my day.
I had designs picked out for a girl and a boy. For our boy Aidan, we would have painted his room a light blue, probably slightly darker than than the picture, but similar. I did want to try to do a bamboo decal on the wall, although I would have attempted a more "realistic" looking bamboo design, possibly in either green or cream. We wanted a dark chocolate coloured crib and dresser set so that would have been different from the picture. I also might have forgone buying the bumper pad as there are now recommendations out there that you keep any and all padded stuff away from the baby's head, for safety reasons. Ah, baby safety recommendations...if only you could guard their safety in the womb so easily.
I had imagined putting a comfy chair in the baby's room too, so that I could breastfeed him or her comfortably. Hopefully the chair we bought would rock as well, so that I could rock my baby to sleep when he or she was fussy. It's hard to go in what would have been Aidan's room now. I can imagine what it would have looked like so clearly...
This would have been his stroller:
We would have bought it in red, no matter what sex we were having. It's a great colour for either a boy or a girl. I couldn't wait to take Aidan for walks in his stroller. I love going for walks in my neighbourhood. I love the exercise, I love being outside in nice weather...and I couldn't wait to share that with my baby.
I hadn't solidified my crib or car seat choice yet, before we found out the bad news, but they would have been lovely.
As I'm looking at these baby things now, it feels like I was picking them out only moments ago. How can it be that the person I was picking them for is no longer here? No longer needs these things? Will never need these things? It just feels wrong.
These were the best weeks of my pregnancy. I was still on 'couch' rest for most of it, so I watched a lot of Olympics. I think I saw most of the Canadian medal winning performances...it was fun...it was something to occupy my day.
Brian and I spent a small portion of almost every day during this time wondering whether we were having a boy or a girl. Neither of us REALLY cared what it was...we just wanted to know. I spent a lot of time on the Internet during these weeks, looking at baby things. Since I never actually got to buy anything, I wanted to show you what Aidan's room, and his stroller would have looked like if we had got to bring him home. We never bought anything...but we had big plans.
This would have been the crib bedding:I had designs picked out for a girl and a boy. For our boy Aidan, we would have painted his room a light blue, probably slightly darker than than the picture, but similar. I did want to try to do a bamboo decal on the wall, although I would have attempted a more "realistic" looking bamboo design, possibly in either green or cream. We wanted a dark chocolate coloured crib and dresser set so that would have been different from the picture. I also might have forgone buying the bumper pad as there are now recommendations out there that you keep any and all padded stuff away from the baby's head, for safety reasons. Ah, baby safety recommendations...if only you could guard their safety in the womb so easily.
I had imagined putting a comfy chair in the baby's room too, so that I could breastfeed him or her comfortably. Hopefully the chair we bought would rock as well, so that I could rock my baby to sleep when he or she was fussy. It's hard to go in what would have been Aidan's room now. I can imagine what it would have looked like so clearly...
This would have been his stroller:
We would have bought it in red, no matter what sex we were having. It's a great colour for either a boy or a girl. I couldn't wait to take Aidan for walks in his stroller. I love going for walks in my neighbourhood. I love the exercise, I love being outside in nice weather...and I couldn't wait to share that with my baby.I hadn't solidified my crib or car seat choice yet, before we found out the bad news, but they would have been lovely.
As I'm looking at these baby things now, it feels like I was picking them out only moments ago. How can it be that the person I was picking them for is no longer here? No longer needs these things? Will never need these things? It just feels wrong.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
How it all went down (Part 5)
February 12th 2010
13 weeks and 5 days. Opening night of the Vancouver Olympics. This may or may not be the day that things went from "likely to be okay" to "very likely to not be okay". I will never know for sure. I woke up this morning, and immediately felt like I was about to gush blood again. Went to the washroom and what came out was mainly brackish brown old looking blood...but it was quite watery. At the time I was like "oh good the clot is bleeding out just like Dr. R. said it would". In retrospect however, this may have been when my amniotic sac broke. It kind of amazes me now that I never considered that possibility...but I was so focused on the idea that these big gushes of blood (and possibly fluid at this point) would result in A) a miscarriage or B) not a miscarriage. Since after this we continued to hear a heartbeat on our home doppler, then ergo things were fine. Basically what happened to Aidan was sort of an in between. He kept growing and developing...but his surroundings wouldn't permit him to live outside the uterus.
We don't know for sure if I had ruptured membranes, although with the failure to develop ANY amniotic fluid build-up over a period of weeks makes it somewhat likely. If my placenta looked normal, then pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes) would definitely be our front running contender of "what went wrong". But, we also have the added complication of a very odd, blood clot filled, placenta. Could it have been malfunctioning enough to not permit amniotic fluid to be retained or built? If so, then maybe today was just another day in my pregnancy and my membranes never ruptured...but we'll likely never know. We are still waiting to get the placental pathology and Aidan's autopsy back...so I will have to update at a later date as to what my doctors think was the "most" likely cause. I'm not counting on getting many more answers.
If in fact I did rupture at this point in my pregnancy, I'm glad I didn't know about it. If I had, I would have gone in for a check up, the doctors may have seen very little fluid surrounding my poor little Aidan. They would have advised me at that time to terminate, scaring me with the possibility of infection. We would have likely done it at that point...the risks of infection with ruptured membranes are high and not something to take lightly...especially with my heart defect. So, thankfully we continued on for 27 more days after this in relative surety that we were going to have a baby...and it was bliss. If I can be glad for nothing else, I'm glad I got to see my Aidan. I'm glad we got to know what he looked like, and that I can make it to (at least) 23 weeks of pregnancy without my heart failing on me. Those are my consolation prizes.
13 weeks and 5 days. Opening night of the Vancouver Olympics. This may or may not be the day that things went from "likely to be okay" to "very likely to not be okay". I will never know for sure. I woke up this morning, and immediately felt like I was about to gush blood again. Went to the washroom and what came out was mainly brackish brown old looking blood...but it was quite watery. At the time I was like "oh good the clot is bleeding out just like Dr. R. said it would". In retrospect however, this may have been when my amniotic sac broke. It kind of amazes me now that I never considered that possibility...but I was so focused on the idea that these big gushes of blood (and possibly fluid at this point) would result in A) a miscarriage or B) not a miscarriage. Since after this we continued to hear a heartbeat on our home doppler, then ergo things were fine. Basically what happened to Aidan was sort of an in between. He kept growing and developing...but his surroundings wouldn't permit him to live outside the uterus.
We don't know for sure if I had ruptured membranes, although with the failure to develop ANY amniotic fluid build-up over a period of weeks makes it somewhat likely. If my placenta looked normal, then pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes) would definitely be our front running contender of "what went wrong". But, we also have the added complication of a very odd, blood clot filled, placenta. Could it have been malfunctioning enough to not permit amniotic fluid to be retained or built? If so, then maybe today was just another day in my pregnancy and my membranes never ruptured...but we'll likely never know. We are still waiting to get the placental pathology and Aidan's autopsy back...so I will have to update at a later date as to what my doctors think was the "most" likely cause. I'm not counting on getting many more answers.
If in fact I did rupture at this point in my pregnancy, I'm glad I didn't know about it. If I had, I would have gone in for a check up, the doctors may have seen very little fluid surrounding my poor little Aidan. They would have advised me at that time to terminate, scaring me with the possibility of infection. We would have likely done it at that point...the risks of infection with ruptured membranes are high and not something to take lightly...especially with my heart defect. So, thankfully we continued on for 27 more days after this in relative surety that we were going to have a baby...and it was bliss. If I can be glad for nothing else, I'm glad I got to see my Aidan. I'm glad we got to know what he looked like, and that I can make it to (at least) 23 weeks of pregnancy without my heart failing on me. Those are my consolation prizes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
How it all went down (Part 4)
February 8th 2010
This day was not special in my pregnancy per say. It was just another Monday where I was lying around in the warm winter sunshine, on my blow up bed which we decided to leave inflated since my last big bleed in case I needed to lie on something soft yet washable again, on my TV room floor. It was however, a special day for a few of my best friends. Their baby was born late in the afternoon. All natural delivery, drugs not included, after an 18+ hour labour. She was perfect and beautiful and they named her Ava. Although I was happy and excited for them...I cried. I cried because I wanted that assurance for my baby. I wanted my baby to be here, to be okay, to know that everything was going to be all right. Perhaps I knew, even at that time, that those assurances were never going to come for my Aidan.
February 10th 2010
I will forever remember this as the one and only "good doctor's appointment" in the entire pregnancy. Brian and I arrived at the Special Pregnancy Program building and were taken in almost immediately by nurse Kristie. She went over everything that had happened in my pregnancy so far. We discussed my heart condition, all the bleeding I'd had, all my medications etc. Then for the fun part...she had me hop up on the ultrasound table and got the squirty goo going. She started rolling it around and there was Aidan! He looked great!
We did not know it at the time, but this was the last time we would see him looking 'normal'. I'm so glad Brian got video of it. We have about 45 seconds of video of Aidan sucking his left thumb, with his right hand up near his forehead. It was so cute and amazing, because, not only did it look 'just like a real baby thing to do' but that is how Brian often relaxes before going to sleep. We were in love. He not only WAS ours, he was doing things that were recognizable to us. Even Kristie, the nurse, said how cute he was. The senior ultrasound tech came in to check on Kristie's work. As a nurse, Kristie is not a formally trained ultrasound tech, so the two of them checked out my pictures. This ultrasound tech confirmed to us that, no there was no 'second sac' present...(she scoffed at the idea...I'm sure thinking thoughts like "what stupid radiologist would think this was a blighted ovum??") The tech confirmed I had a large SCH. It measured at 8.5cm x 7cm x 2cm (yikes!).
Next we spoke with Dr. R. who is a fetal medicine specialists. After reviewing everything, he turns to us and says "So why are you here?" At first we were a bit confused. What did he mean why am I here? What we eventually figured out, was that he was curious as to why I was in the FETAL medicine clinic? I fit more in the MATERNAL medicine clinic due to my heart condition. He didn't feel that the large SCH required a consultation with him. He felt that the clot wasn't affecting the placenta, it would likely "bleed itself out" and that while he couldn't promise anything, "things would likely be fine". He wanted to keep me off work until at least mid-March in order for everything to heal properly, but he seemed hopeful. We went home that day with our spirits flying high. We were going to have a baby! Oh, Dr. R, how I wish you had been right. How I wish everything had turned out just fine.
After our appointment we went home and later that night people came to visit. My in-laws and my mother both dropped by, and were excited to see our short video of Aidan. Our friend Edward also came over, with his new baby Ava, my friend, her mommy, being too sore to visit. We would have gone to see them, but bed rest law states that visiting friends is just asking for trouble. So I got to cuddle Ava for the first time, sitting on my own couch instead of theirs, in my TV room. It was nice, thinking that in a few months this would be me. I would be cuddling my own baby.
The nicest part for me however, was not the cuddles with Ava (although those were nice), it was seeing Brian with her. Picturing Brian being a new Dad in a few months. Picturing Brian changing diapers, and falling asleep with his baby on his chest. Picturing Brian kissing and cuddling his baby son or daughter. I love seeing Brian with children...he really is amazing with them. He deserves to be a Dad. We would have made awesome parents. We did make awesome parents...it was just too short.
This day marks the beginning of the best 29 days of my pregnancy. Although I was still on bed rest for most of it, I spent hours each day looking at baby bedroom furniture, bedding sets, strollers, car seats. We paroled me off bed rest for an hour or two a few times in order to go baby stuff 'looking' (I refused to buy before 24 weeks). We began to talk of "when" the baby arrives rather than "if".
Our parents started to bug us about "when can we tell people?" Perhaps a part of me knew not to get too excited. We never gave them permission to tell anyone until after the bad news arrived...and mostly they adhered to our wishes. I oscillate between being grateful we did this, and sad. Grateful because when we did finally tell people it was easier not to have to take our good news back. We never had to run into a situation where someone asked "So how's Emily doing? Do you know the sex yet? When's the baby shower?"
But it's kind of sad too, because Aidan didn't get the celebration from people that he deserved. They only heard about him shortly before, or just after, he died. Although I know people were greatly saddened for us, a part of me now wishes they were sad FOR THEMSELVES. I feel that if they had known about him weeks in advance, if I had been one of those pregnant women who proclaims outloud "I'm having a baby!!" the minute she sees double lines on the pregnancy test, that they would miss him more. I feel like he was cheated somehow, that people we know aren't more sad that they never got to meet him. Sad that the baby they would have met, and held, and cuddled, is no more. Sad that there will be no looking forward to a baby shower, or seeing my hugely pregnant belly, or waiting around to find out if it is a girl or a boy (we were going to find out the sex for ourselves, but hadn't decided if we would tell others yet). Sad that our little family will, for now, remain two instead of three. I want them to miss him like I do. I want him remembered in others hearts instead of just mine.
Okay, getting sad now...will continue the chronology later.
This day was not special in my pregnancy per say. It was just another Monday where I was lying around in the warm winter sunshine, on my blow up bed which we decided to leave inflated since my last big bleed in case I needed to lie on something soft yet washable again, on my TV room floor. It was however, a special day for a few of my best friends. Their baby was born late in the afternoon. All natural delivery, drugs not included, after an 18+ hour labour. She was perfect and beautiful and they named her Ava. Although I was happy and excited for them...I cried. I cried because I wanted that assurance for my baby. I wanted my baby to be here, to be okay, to know that everything was going to be all right. Perhaps I knew, even at that time, that those assurances were never going to come for my Aidan.
February 10th 2010
I will forever remember this as the one and only "good doctor's appointment" in the entire pregnancy. Brian and I arrived at the Special Pregnancy Program building and were taken in almost immediately by nurse Kristie. She went over everything that had happened in my pregnancy so far. We discussed my heart condition, all the bleeding I'd had, all my medications etc. Then for the fun part...she had me hop up on the ultrasound table and got the squirty goo going. She started rolling it around and there was Aidan! He looked great!
We did not know it at the time, but this was the last time we would see him looking 'normal'. I'm so glad Brian got video of it. We have about 45 seconds of video of Aidan sucking his left thumb, with his right hand up near his forehead. It was so cute and amazing, because, not only did it look 'just like a real baby thing to do' but that is how Brian often relaxes before going to sleep. We were in love. He not only WAS ours, he was doing things that were recognizable to us. Even Kristie, the nurse, said how cute he was. The senior ultrasound tech came in to check on Kristie's work. As a nurse, Kristie is not a formally trained ultrasound tech, so the two of them checked out my pictures. This ultrasound tech confirmed to us that, no there was no 'second sac' present...(she scoffed at the idea...I'm sure thinking thoughts like "what stupid radiologist would think this was a blighted ovum??") The tech confirmed I had a large SCH. It measured at 8.5cm x 7cm x 2cm (yikes!).
Next we spoke with Dr. R. who is a fetal medicine specialists. After reviewing everything, he turns to us and says "So why are you here?" At first we were a bit confused. What did he mean why am I here? What we eventually figured out, was that he was curious as to why I was in the FETAL medicine clinic? I fit more in the MATERNAL medicine clinic due to my heart condition. He didn't feel that the large SCH required a consultation with him. He felt that the clot wasn't affecting the placenta, it would likely "bleed itself out" and that while he couldn't promise anything, "things would likely be fine". He wanted to keep me off work until at least mid-March in order for everything to heal properly, but he seemed hopeful. We went home that day with our spirits flying high. We were going to have a baby! Oh, Dr. R, how I wish you had been right. How I wish everything had turned out just fine.
After our appointment we went home and later that night people came to visit. My in-laws and my mother both dropped by, and were excited to see our short video of Aidan. Our friend Edward also came over, with his new baby Ava, my friend, her mommy, being too sore to visit. We would have gone to see them, but bed rest law states that visiting friends is just asking for trouble. So I got to cuddle Ava for the first time, sitting on my own couch instead of theirs, in my TV room. It was nice, thinking that in a few months this would be me. I would be cuddling my own baby.
The nicest part for me however, was not the cuddles with Ava (although those were nice), it was seeing Brian with her. Picturing Brian being a new Dad in a few months. Picturing Brian changing diapers, and falling asleep with his baby on his chest. Picturing Brian kissing and cuddling his baby son or daughter. I love seeing Brian with children...he really is amazing with them. He deserves to be a Dad. We would have made awesome parents. We did make awesome parents...it was just too short.
This day marks the beginning of the best 29 days of my pregnancy. Although I was still on bed rest for most of it, I spent hours each day looking at baby bedroom furniture, bedding sets, strollers, car seats. We paroled me off bed rest for an hour or two a few times in order to go baby stuff 'looking' (I refused to buy before 24 weeks). We began to talk of "when" the baby arrives rather than "if".
Our parents started to bug us about "when can we tell people?" Perhaps a part of me knew not to get too excited. We never gave them permission to tell anyone until after the bad news arrived...and mostly they adhered to our wishes. I oscillate between being grateful we did this, and sad. Grateful because when we did finally tell people it was easier not to have to take our good news back. We never had to run into a situation where someone asked "So how's Emily doing? Do you know the sex yet? When's the baby shower?"
But it's kind of sad too, because Aidan didn't get the celebration from people that he deserved. They only heard about him shortly before, or just after, he died. Although I know people were greatly saddened for us, a part of me now wishes they were sad FOR THEMSELVES. I feel that if they had known about him weeks in advance, if I had been one of those pregnant women who proclaims outloud "I'm having a baby!!" the minute she sees double lines on the pregnancy test, that they would miss him more. I feel like he was cheated somehow, that people we know aren't more sad that they never got to meet him. Sad that the baby they would have met, and held, and cuddled, is no more. Sad that there will be no looking forward to a baby shower, or seeing my hugely pregnant belly, or waiting around to find out if it is a girl or a boy (we were going to find out the sex for ourselves, but hadn't decided if we would tell others yet). Sad that our little family will, for now, remain two instead of three. I want them to miss him like I do. I want him remembered in others hearts instead of just mine.
Okay, getting sad now...will continue the chronology later.
Friday, May 7, 2010
How it all went down (Part 3)
January 22nd-23rd 2010
After a week of trying to just go back to normal and not worry about bleeding, I was starting to feel more confident. Work had gone well that week and I was feeling good.
However, Friday January 22nd, 10 weeks + 5 days, I woke up after a night shift at around 12:30 in the afternoon. Hadn't slept much, but I was hungry. After a quick snack, I thought I might try to go back to bed when I felt it again...a gush...looked down and sure enough I was bleeding again...and this time it was A LOT. I grabbed the phone and called Brian who was at work and then I lay down with my bottom half on the tile floor in the bathroom and my top half on the carpet of my bedroom. I tried to remain as still as possible, because every time I moved I would gush more blood. It was awful...I didn't know whether to call 911. I was scared and alone. Thankfully Brian made it home in record time.
It took over an hour for the bleeding to slow, but this time, Brian and I were prepared. We had rented a doppler in order to monitor the baby's heartbeat and when Brian used it we could still hear that wonderful whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of Aidan's heart. We knew however that we needed an ultrasound, so the next morning we headed to our local hospital (for the 3rd time) in order to check on our baby.
It once again took ALL day, but we were finally told that the SCH had gotten bigger...A LOT bigger. They didn't give me all the dimensions this time, but they did say that while the baby looked fine, the length of the SCH was OVER 7CM!!! That means that it better than TRIPLED in length. Yikes! The ER doc informed us that after consulting with an OB, he recommended 2-3 weeks of bed rest. And so the bed rest (couch rest) event began.
Oh and with all this, I missed my sister-in-laws birthday. Sorry Lisa.
February 2nd 2010
Made it to 12 weeks + 3 days. I'm still pregnant and today is the day for my NT scan. We've already seen peanut Aidan a few times at this point (this will in fact be my 4th ultrasound), however this is traditionally the time when most pregnant women first see their babies and we are excited. Still scared of course, but I've spent the last week and a half lying or sitting around my house in hopes that the clot has decided to shrink and not cause my peanut any more problems.
So after downing the requisite 6000 gallons of water (whatever, it felt like it), I'm lying on the ultrasound table with my bladder about to burst and having that lovely ultrasound goo squirted on me. The tech is (as usual) a taciturn middle aged lady with zero personality. Do they teach them that in ultrasound tech school, how to be as unfriendly as possible? She gets the pictures she needs and then I (THANKFULLY) am allowed to pee, before Brian gets to come in for a look see. Given what happens over the next few weeks I will be forever grateful to Brian for being at all my appointments. I think it helped him to be more connected to Aidan.
Sadly all is not right already. Although Aidan is measuring perfect at this point (nuchal thickness 1.1 mm, who's mommy's good boy??!!), we later learn that my IPS blood work is not. I won't go into detail about it now, but basically IPS blood work can indicate not just problems with the baby, but problems with the placenta. In fact, when the baby is measuring perfect and has no other markers for genetic or congenital defects (like our little man), the likely cause of wonky blood work is a malfunctioning placenta. We don't know this yet of course...so we are just happy at this point that our baby looks good.
February 3rd 2010
It's Thursday and right after Brian gets home from work around 5pm I know something isn't right. My belly is uncomfortable, hard feeling...it feels just the way it does when I'm about to start bleeding...
And once again, I'm on my back with my lower half in my bathroom and my upper half on our carpeted downstairs hallway with blood gushing out of me. It's once again, awful. We have our doppler, however, and from this we know that Aidan is still with us. The bleeding is heavy, perhaps even more so that last time. We spend most of the evening with me lying on the floor, with towels under me, hoping the bleeding will slow. It does eventually and I fall asleep in our TV room, on the air mattress Brian has set up to avoid any bleeding in our bed. My belly still hurts. Fortunately tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment.
February 4th 2010
After waiting an hour or more in her waiting room, my doctor sees us. Although she is nice and listens, she really can't do any more for me. With my heart defect and my so far complex pregnancy, I think she is relieved when I tell her we have a high risk OB appointment scheduled at the Special Pregnancy Program next week. She does however tell us she already got the ultrasound results from the NT scan on Wednesday. That radiologist reported that while there is one 'normal' fetus, there is also a 'large empty sac, probably a blighted ovum that is about the size of the sac the normal fetus is in which will likely resolve itself'. We are kind of stumped...no other ultrasound we had prior to our NT scan reported a blighted ovum...and why didn't this radiologist comment on the humungous SCH I have sitting in my uterus threatening my baby? I think my doctor is a bit stumped too...but she can only tell us what's on the report. We wonder if maybe our baby was supposed to be a twin. I always wanted twins (actually I wanted to BE a twin when I was a kid), but it's probably better for my heart that I'm only pregnant with one.
I also ask her about 'bed rest'. Since I'm still bleeding from the 'big bleed' I had yesterday, she says I'll probably be on bed rest awhile longer. This is supposed to be lying, on my back or on either side. I can wiggle my toes, pump and roll my ankles...but really I'm supposed to be a still as possible. I go home and lay down and continue to hope peanut is going to be okay.
Next post...to the Special Pregnancy Program...where we learn just how 'special' we are, and how the more 'special' you are, the less that can be done to save your baby.
After a week of trying to just go back to normal and not worry about bleeding, I was starting to feel more confident. Work had gone well that week and I was feeling good.
However, Friday January 22nd, 10 weeks + 5 days, I woke up after a night shift at around 12:30 in the afternoon. Hadn't slept much, but I was hungry. After a quick snack, I thought I might try to go back to bed when I felt it again...a gush...looked down and sure enough I was bleeding again...and this time it was A LOT. I grabbed the phone and called Brian who was at work and then I lay down with my bottom half on the tile floor in the bathroom and my top half on the carpet of my bedroom. I tried to remain as still as possible, because every time I moved I would gush more blood. It was awful...I didn't know whether to call 911. I was scared and alone. Thankfully Brian made it home in record time.
It took over an hour for the bleeding to slow, but this time, Brian and I were prepared. We had rented a doppler in order to monitor the baby's heartbeat and when Brian used it we could still hear that wonderful whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of Aidan's heart. We knew however that we needed an ultrasound, so the next morning we headed to our local hospital (for the 3rd time) in order to check on our baby.
It once again took ALL day, but we were finally told that the SCH had gotten bigger...A LOT bigger. They didn't give me all the dimensions this time, but they did say that while the baby looked fine, the length of the SCH was OVER 7CM!!! That means that it better than TRIPLED in length. Yikes! The ER doc informed us that after consulting with an OB, he recommended 2-3 weeks of bed rest. And so the bed rest (couch rest) event began.
Oh and with all this, I missed my sister-in-laws birthday. Sorry Lisa.
February 2nd 2010
Made it to 12 weeks + 3 days. I'm still pregnant and today is the day for my NT scan. We've already seen peanut Aidan a few times at this point (this will in fact be my 4th ultrasound), however this is traditionally the time when most pregnant women first see their babies and we are excited. Still scared of course, but I've spent the last week and a half lying or sitting around my house in hopes that the clot has decided to shrink and not cause my peanut any more problems.
So after downing the requisite 6000 gallons of water (whatever, it felt like it), I'm lying on the ultrasound table with my bladder about to burst and having that lovely ultrasound goo squirted on me. The tech is (as usual) a taciturn middle aged lady with zero personality. Do they teach them that in ultrasound tech school, how to be as unfriendly as possible? She gets the pictures she needs and then I (THANKFULLY) am allowed to pee, before Brian gets to come in for a look see. Given what happens over the next few weeks I will be forever grateful to Brian for being at all my appointments. I think it helped him to be more connected to Aidan.
Sadly all is not right already. Although Aidan is measuring perfect at this point (nuchal thickness 1.1 mm, who's mommy's good boy??!!), we later learn that my IPS blood work is not. I won't go into detail about it now, but basically IPS blood work can indicate not just problems with the baby, but problems with the placenta. In fact, when the baby is measuring perfect and has no other markers for genetic or congenital defects (like our little man), the likely cause of wonky blood work is a malfunctioning placenta. We don't know this yet of course...so we are just happy at this point that our baby looks good.
February 3rd 2010
It's Thursday and right after Brian gets home from work around 5pm I know something isn't right. My belly is uncomfortable, hard feeling...it feels just the way it does when I'm about to start bleeding...
And once again, I'm on my back with my lower half in my bathroom and my upper half on our carpeted downstairs hallway with blood gushing out of me. It's once again, awful. We have our doppler, however, and from this we know that Aidan is still with us. The bleeding is heavy, perhaps even more so that last time. We spend most of the evening with me lying on the floor, with towels under me, hoping the bleeding will slow. It does eventually and I fall asleep in our TV room, on the air mattress Brian has set up to avoid any bleeding in our bed. My belly still hurts. Fortunately tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment.
February 4th 2010
After waiting an hour or more in her waiting room, my doctor sees us. Although she is nice and listens, she really can't do any more for me. With my heart defect and my so far complex pregnancy, I think she is relieved when I tell her we have a high risk OB appointment scheduled at the Special Pregnancy Program next week. She does however tell us she already got the ultrasound results from the NT scan on Wednesday. That radiologist reported that while there is one 'normal' fetus, there is also a 'large empty sac, probably a blighted ovum that is about the size of the sac the normal fetus is in which will likely resolve itself'. We are kind of stumped...no other ultrasound we had prior to our NT scan reported a blighted ovum...and why didn't this radiologist comment on the humungous SCH I have sitting in my uterus threatening my baby? I think my doctor is a bit stumped too...but she can only tell us what's on the report. We wonder if maybe our baby was supposed to be a twin. I always wanted twins (actually I wanted to BE a twin when I was a kid), but it's probably better for my heart that I'm only pregnant with one.
I also ask her about 'bed rest'. Since I'm still bleeding from the 'big bleed' I had yesterday, she says I'll probably be on bed rest awhile longer. This is supposed to be lying, on my back or on either side. I can wiggle my toes, pump and roll my ankles...but really I'm supposed to be a still as possible. I go home and lay down and continue to hope peanut is going to be okay.
Next post...to the Special Pregnancy Program...where we learn just how 'special' we are, and how the more 'special' you are, the less that can be done to save your baby.
How it all went down (Part Deux)
Alright, here is the rest of the story continued. We'll see if I can't finish we might need a part 'trois'.
December 21st 2009 - January 12th 2010
So this was a nice part of my pregnancy I suppose...sort of. I started feeling the general queasiness that signals you are pregnant. I had the 'dry heaves' a lot. Fortunately I only threw up about 5-6 times in total during my pregnancy. I know there are many pregnant women out there who throw up like ALL the time, so I considered myself lucky that I wasn't one of them.
However, I did continue to have spotting off and on. It was really nerve racking. I tried to reassure myself that "if you were really miscarrying there would be a TON more blood...this is really nothing". Plus all the pregnancy books, magazines, websites state that while it's not USUAL to spot during a pregnancy, it by no means indicates that you are going to miscarry...so I tried to get on with it and not worry.
I, however, did get really sick just after the start of January. One of the worst colds I've ever had. I had one of those awful coughs that causes you to feel like your ribs are breaking and that breathing is a chore. Nurse me knows it's impossible, but I actually worried "am I going to cough the baby out?" My cold likely had NOTHING to do with what followed...but whenever things go wrong it's human nature to look back and wonder what caused it. I wish I hadn't been sick before this all started.
January 13th 2010
I've basically slept all day because I have to go in for a night shift. It's my first shift back after being off with my cold. It's about 4pm and I'm in shower, doing my thing, when all of a sudden I feel 'odd'...it feels like I've started my period. Wait a second...I'm pregnant...I'm not supposed to have a period. I look down and sure enough there is blood running down my leg and turning the water red. I quickly hose myself off and jump out of the shower grabing a towel as I run to the top of the stairs and yell for Brian who is sleeping in the basement (he's home sick too...thank goodness or I would have to call him from work). Once rousing him from his nap, I'm shaking and crying and getting on the phone to work to tell them I can't come in. I mange to blurt out to the nurse in charge that I'm having a miscarriage. After that we jump into the car and head to our local hospital.
I will skip all the boring details, because, come on, we all know hospitals are the MOST boring/terrifying places on earth. I have come out of this with a better appreciation of how horrific waiting for news is, when you know there could be something really wrong. Finally after hours, a nice young resident rolls the portable ultrasound machine into the room and after saying "I'm not very good with this thing, but let's try to find your baby"...he immediately finds our little peanut on the screen. I'm now 9 weeks + 4 days, and it's amazing how much peanut has changed since our last ultrasound at 6 weeks + 1 day. Peanut (or Aidan as we now know) actually resembles his nickname, he looks like a peanut...with arms and legs. I'm so relieved to see him there, but the resident informs us that we should book an outpatient ultrasound for tomorrow to figure out where the bleeding is coming from.
Thankfully by this time, its been hours since I started bleeding and it's starting to slow to a stop. There is actually less blood that I had originally feared. We go home and try to get some sleep unaware of the roller-coster ride we've just jumped on.
January 14th 2010
Having an ultrasound booked as an outpatient takes pretty much as long as the wait yesterday. First we wait for the ultrasound, then we have to wait for the results. Hours later we find out I have a 'small' subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) which is measuring 2cm x 0.9cm x 1.7cm. Pretty much as large as Aidan is at this point. What is a subchorionic hemorrhage you ask? Well you're on the Internet so you could look it up for yourself, but the simple explanation is that it's bleeding that occurs between the uterine wall and the chorionic membrane (the sac that the baby is in). If large and in the right position, SCHs can cause vaginal bleeding, or sometimes if small they are only detected on ultrasound. If an SCH gets really large it can affect the attachment of the developing placenta or cause premature rupture of membranes, basically putting the pregnancy at a high risk of miscarriage.
We only looked this up for ourselves afterwards however, so we heard it for the first time when the ER doctor states that although he "can't promise" these SCHs often "resolve themselves". I ask if I should be on bed rest. I have a job in which I need to stand for hours a day...is that the best thing at this point? He says standing shouldn't affect it one way or the other and writes me a note to cover the two days of work I've been off. We go home feeling like we've dodged a bullet...wish that we had. I often wonder if I'd been on bed rest at this point, would things have improved? Did the following week that I spent doing my usual thing make everything worse? Probably not...but we'll never know.
Okay this is turning out to be WAY longer than I had originally thought. I want to do Aidan's pregnancy story justice, so I think it's going to become an opus instead of just a posting or two. Will continue more later.
December 21st 2009 - January 12th 2010
So this was a nice part of my pregnancy I suppose...sort of. I started feeling the general queasiness that signals you are pregnant. I had the 'dry heaves' a lot. Fortunately I only threw up about 5-6 times in total during my pregnancy. I know there are many pregnant women out there who throw up like ALL the time, so I considered myself lucky that I wasn't one of them.
However, I did continue to have spotting off and on. It was really nerve racking. I tried to reassure myself that "if you were really miscarrying there would be a TON more blood...this is really nothing". Plus all the pregnancy books, magazines, websites state that while it's not USUAL to spot during a pregnancy, it by no means indicates that you are going to miscarry...so I tried to get on with it and not worry.
I, however, did get really sick just after the start of January. One of the worst colds I've ever had. I had one of those awful coughs that causes you to feel like your ribs are breaking and that breathing is a chore. Nurse me knows it's impossible, but I actually worried "am I going to cough the baby out?" My cold likely had NOTHING to do with what followed...but whenever things go wrong it's human nature to look back and wonder what caused it. I wish I hadn't been sick before this all started.
January 13th 2010
I've basically slept all day because I have to go in for a night shift. It's my first shift back after being off with my cold. It's about 4pm and I'm in shower, doing my thing, when all of a sudden I feel 'odd'...it feels like I've started my period. Wait a second...I'm pregnant...I'm not supposed to have a period. I look down and sure enough there is blood running down my leg and turning the water red. I quickly hose myself off and jump out of the shower grabing a towel as I run to the top of the stairs and yell for Brian who is sleeping in the basement (he's home sick too...thank goodness or I would have to call him from work). Once rousing him from his nap, I'm shaking and crying and getting on the phone to work to tell them I can't come in. I mange to blurt out to the nurse in charge that I'm having a miscarriage. After that we jump into the car and head to our local hospital.
I will skip all the boring details, because, come on, we all know hospitals are the MOST boring/terrifying places on earth. I have come out of this with a better appreciation of how horrific waiting for news is, when you know there could be something really wrong. Finally after hours, a nice young resident rolls the portable ultrasound machine into the room and after saying "I'm not very good with this thing, but let's try to find your baby"...he immediately finds our little peanut on the screen. I'm now 9 weeks + 4 days, and it's amazing how much peanut has changed since our last ultrasound at 6 weeks + 1 day. Peanut (or Aidan as we now know) actually resembles his nickname, he looks like a peanut...with arms and legs. I'm so relieved to see him there, but the resident informs us that we should book an outpatient ultrasound for tomorrow to figure out where the bleeding is coming from.
Thankfully by this time, its been hours since I started bleeding and it's starting to slow to a stop. There is actually less blood that I had originally feared. We go home and try to get some sleep unaware of the roller-coster ride we've just jumped on.
January 14th 2010
Having an ultrasound booked as an outpatient takes pretty much as long as the wait yesterday. First we wait for the ultrasound, then we have to wait for the results. Hours later we find out I have a 'small' subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) which is measuring 2cm x 0.9cm x 1.7cm. Pretty much as large as Aidan is at this point. What is a subchorionic hemorrhage you ask? Well you're on the Internet so you could look it up for yourself, but the simple explanation is that it's bleeding that occurs between the uterine wall and the chorionic membrane (the sac that the baby is in). If large and in the right position, SCHs can cause vaginal bleeding, or sometimes if small they are only detected on ultrasound. If an SCH gets really large it can affect the attachment of the developing placenta or cause premature rupture of membranes, basically putting the pregnancy at a high risk of miscarriage.
We only looked this up for ourselves afterwards however, so we heard it for the first time when the ER doctor states that although he "can't promise" these SCHs often "resolve themselves". I ask if I should be on bed rest. I have a job in which I need to stand for hours a day...is that the best thing at this point? He says standing shouldn't affect it one way or the other and writes me a note to cover the two days of work I've been off. We go home feeling like we've dodged a bullet...wish that we had. I often wonder if I'd been on bed rest at this point, would things have improved? Did the following week that I spent doing my usual thing make everything worse? Probably not...but we'll never know.
Okay this is turning out to be WAY longer than I had originally thought. I want to do Aidan's pregnancy story justice, so I think it's going to become an opus instead of just a posting or two. Will continue more later.
Monday, May 3, 2010
How it all went down
I wanted to write out all the details of my pregnancy before they start slipping away. This is going to be a pretty factual account only. I'm better with facts right now. I'm having a hard time being eloquent with my feelings.
April 2009
Despensed with contraception. Yippee...pregnancy sure to come soon.
April-October 2009
Waiting....impatiently I might add. Especially when a bunch of women I know quickly fall pregnant when going off contraception...like their first try...bully for them.
October-November 2009
Very worried at this point that I might need 'help' getting pregnant. I'd had bloodwork done showing that I have a high prolactin level. Prolactin is what causes 'lactation' which can also screw with your menstrual cycle and can prevent ovulation. I was pretty sure I was ovulating, but my periods were definately not normal and I was now on medication to help bring my prolactin levels down. YEAH...MORE MEDICATION (heavy dose of sarcasm here).
December 3rd 2009
Tested POSITIVE...YIPPEE!!!!!! Due date is August 15th 2010. A very special day because it was my Nana's birthday. It's also the day before my parents 30th wedding anniversary and the week after my husband's 32nd birthday. August sounds like a perfect time to have a baby.
December 5th 2009
Had dinner with our friends...both couples are pregnant. One is about 12 weeks along, the other is about 30 weeks. Brian and I considered telling them...but since I'm 3 weeks and 6 days I'm still nervous. I don't want to get too excited...but who the hell am I kidding, we are totally PUMPED! Looking back on this now, I wished we'd told them. It would have been nice to have had more of the fun, gushy, ooie-gooie baby moments.
December 14th 2009
Started spotting. Oh crap. My heart jumps into my throat. I go tell Brian...and he cries! I've NEVER seen my husband cry...and it is awful. We both sob in our bed...scared that our little miracle pregnancy is over.
December 15th-18th 2009
Go for bloodwork at my doctor's office. Beta Hcg comes back at 1300...not very high for 27 DPO (days past ovulation). Next bloodwork draw on the 17th (29 DPO) is bad news...it's only 1900 and normally Hcg levels should double within 2 days...mine didn't even go up by half. At my doctor's appointment on the 18th she says that "well...maybe you're just bleeding out a twin, or maybe you're off on your dates..." My doctors says she'll send me for an ultrasound next week to see if anything has taken root...but prepares us for the worst. The last words out of her mouth are "I'm sorry". Never what you want to hear from your doctor. We go home and cry.
December 19th-20th 2009
Although we want to sit at home and mope and mourn our embryo we think is lost, instead we go to my family Christmas party. It's nice to see everyone...but we are not in the head space of happy family Christmas. It's hard to watch my cousins with all their children. I wanted this pregnancy SO badly...why did this have to happen? The next day we go out to see a Christmas concert of Handel's Messiah. It is beautiful and I remember some of the songs from my school choir days. It is relaxing to listen to the music. Afterwards we go with my parents to Swiss Chalet for dinner. I'm still spotting at this point and we are pretty sure our ultrasound tomorrow morning is going to show I'm no longer pregnant. My parents are good as always and help distract us, while also being sensitive to our loss.
December 20th 2009
9am: Ultrasound goo gets squirted on my belly. Brian is in the waiting room. They wouldn't let him come in. The tech starts rubbing the wand around and asks how far along I am. I tell her 6 weeks and 1 day. She punches something into the computer and I'm pretty sure she heard me wrong. As she rolls the wand around she says "10 weeks and 1 day?" No, I correct her. She then says the most beautiful thing I have ever heard "oh...that makes sense...there's the heartbeat". WHAT??!!! I almost fall off the table. I can't believe my ears...did she just say there is a heartbeat. Nurse savy me knows that at this point where there is a heartbeat there is life. The tech goes and casually calls Brian in from the waiting room. He pokes his head around the ultrasound tech and she shows him the heart beat. He looks at me, he looks at the screen...I can see he's SO HAPPY and scared to believe it's true. The tech prints us off a picture and says "there, the first picture for the baby book".
Honestly...I can say that was one of the best days of my life. My hopes went from zero to sixty in about 2 seconds flat. I remember writing on my "Due in August 2010" baby message board that "no matter what happens after this, seeing that heartbeat was magical". Even with all that happened after, I'm still so glad I can say that is true. Aidan was a little miracle. I will forever consider that little flickering heartbeat my own Christmas miracle.
Will continue with post tomorrow....
April 2009
Despensed with contraception. Yippee...pregnancy sure to come soon.
April-October 2009
Waiting....impatiently I might add. Especially when a bunch of women I know quickly fall pregnant when going off contraception...like their first try...bully for them.
October-November 2009
Very worried at this point that I might need 'help' getting pregnant. I'd had bloodwork done showing that I have a high prolactin level. Prolactin is what causes 'lactation' which can also screw with your menstrual cycle and can prevent ovulation. I was pretty sure I was ovulating, but my periods were definately not normal and I was now on medication to help bring my prolactin levels down. YEAH...MORE MEDICATION (heavy dose of sarcasm here).
December 3rd 2009
Tested POSITIVE...YIPPEE!!!!!! Due date is August 15th 2010. A very special day because it was my Nana's birthday. It's also the day before my parents 30th wedding anniversary and the week after my husband's 32nd birthday. August sounds like a perfect time to have a baby.
December 5th 2009
Had dinner with our friends...both couples are pregnant. One is about 12 weeks along, the other is about 30 weeks. Brian and I considered telling them...but since I'm 3 weeks and 6 days I'm still nervous. I don't want to get too excited...but who the hell am I kidding, we are totally PUMPED! Looking back on this now, I wished we'd told them. It would have been nice to have had more of the fun, gushy, ooie-gooie baby moments.
December 14th 2009
Started spotting. Oh crap. My heart jumps into my throat. I go tell Brian...and he cries! I've NEVER seen my husband cry...and it is awful. We both sob in our bed...scared that our little miracle pregnancy is over.
December 15th-18th 2009
Go for bloodwork at my doctor's office. Beta Hcg comes back at 1300...not very high for 27 DPO (days past ovulation). Next bloodwork draw on the 17th (29 DPO) is bad news...it's only 1900 and normally Hcg levels should double within 2 days...mine didn't even go up by half. At my doctor's appointment on the 18th she says that "well...maybe you're just bleeding out a twin, or maybe you're off on your dates..." My doctors says she'll send me for an ultrasound next week to see if anything has taken root...but prepares us for the worst. The last words out of her mouth are "I'm sorry". Never what you want to hear from your doctor. We go home and cry.
December 19th-20th 2009
Although we want to sit at home and mope and mourn our embryo we think is lost, instead we go to my family Christmas party. It's nice to see everyone...but we are not in the head space of happy family Christmas. It's hard to watch my cousins with all their children. I wanted this pregnancy SO badly...why did this have to happen? The next day we go out to see a Christmas concert of Handel's Messiah. It is beautiful and I remember some of the songs from my school choir days. It is relaxing to listen to the music. Afterwards we go with my parents to Swiss Chalet for dinner. I'm still spotting at this point and we are pretty sure our ultrasound tomorrow morning is going to show I'm no longer pregnant. My parents are good as always and help distract us, while also being sensitive to our loss.
December 20th 2009
9am: Ultrasound goo gets squirted on my belly. Brian is in the waiting room. They wouldn't let him come in. The tech starts rubbing the wand around and asks how far along I am. I tell her 6 weeks and 1 day. She punches something into the computer and I'm pretty sure she heard me wrong. As she rolls the wand around she says "10 weeks and 1 day?" No, I correct her. She then says the most beautiful thing I have ever heard "oh...that makes sense...there's the heartbeat". WHAT??!!! I almost fall off the table. I can't believe my ears...did she just say there is a heartbeat. Nurse savy me knows that at this point where there is a heartbeat there is life. The tech goes and casually calls Brian in from the waiting room. He pokes his head around the ultrasound tech and she shows him the heart beat. He looks at me, he looks at the screen...I can see he's SO HAPPY and scared to believe it's true. The tech prints us off a picture and says "there, the first picture for the baby book".
Honestly...I can say that was one of the best days of my life. My hopes went from zero to sixty in about 2 seconds flat. I remember writing on my "Due in August 2010" baby message board that "no matter what happens after this, seeing that heartbeat was magical". Even with all that happened after, I'm still so glad I can say that is true. Aidan was a little miracle. I will forever consider that little flickering heartbeat my own Christmas miracle.
Will continue with post tomorrow....
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