I wanted to write out all the details of my pregnancy before they start slipping away. This is going to be a pretty factual account only. I'm better with facts right now. I'm having a hard time being eloquent with my feelings.
Despensed with contraception. Yippee...pregnancy sure to come soon.
Waiting....impatiently I might add. Especially when a bunch of women I know quickly fall pregnant when going off contraception...like their first try...bully for them.
Very worried at this point that I might need 'help' getting pregnant. I'd had bloodwork done showing that I have a high prolactin level. Prolactin is what causes 'lactation' which can also screw with your menstrual cycle and can prevent ovulation. I was pretty sure I was ovulating, but my periods were definately not normal and I was now on medication to help bring my prolactin levels down. YEAH...MORE MEDICATION (heavy dose of sarcasm here).
December 3rd 2009
Tested POSITIVE...YIPPEE!!!!!! Due date is August 15th 2010. A very special day because it was my Nana's birthday. It's also the day before my parents 30th wedding anniversary and the week after my husband's 32nd birthday. August sounds like a perfect time to have a baby.
December 5th 2009
Had dinner with our friends...both couples are pregnant. One is about 12 weeks along, the other is about 30 weeks. Brian and I considered telling them...but since I'm 3 weeks and 6 days I'm still nervous. I don't want to get too excited...but who the hell am I kidding, we are totally PUMPED! Looking back on this now, I wished we'd told them. It would have been nice to have had more of the fun, gushy, ooie-gooie baby moments.
December 14th 2009
Started spotting. Oh crap. My heart jumps into my throat. I go tell Brian...and he cries! I've NEVER seen my husband cry...and it is awful. We both sob in our bed...scared that our little miracle pregnancy is over.
December 15th-18th 2009
Go for bloodwork at my doctor's office. Beta Hcg comes back at 1300...not very high for 27 DPO (days past ovulation). Next bloodwork draw on the 17th (29 DPO) is bad news...it's only 1900 and normally Hcg levels should double within 2 days...mine didn't even go up by half. At my doctor's appointment on the 18th she says that "well...maybe you're just bleeding out a twin, or maybe you're off on your dates..." My doctors says she'll send me for an ultrasound next week to see if anything has taken root...but prepares us for the worst. The last words out of her mouth are "I'm sorry". Never what you want to hear from your doctor. We go home and cry.
December 19th-20th 2009
Although we want to sit at home and mope and mourn our embryo we think is lost, instead we go to my family Christmas party. It's nice to see everyone...but we are not in the head space of happy family Christmas. It's hard to watch my cousins with all their children. I wanted this pregnancy SO badly...why did this have to happen? The next day we go out to see a Christmas concert of Handel's Messiah. It is beautiful and I remember some of the songs from my school choir days. It is relaxing to listen to the music. Afterwards we go with my parents to Swiss Chalet for dinner. I'm still spotting at this point and we are pretty sure our ultrasound tomorrow morning is going to show I'm no longer pregnant. My parents are good as always and help distract us, while also being sensitive to our loss.
December 20th 2009
9am: Ultrasound goo gets squirted on my belly. Brian is in the waiting room. They wouldn't let him come in. The tech starts rubbing the wand around and asks how far along I am. I tell her 6 weeks and 1 day. She punches something into the computer and I'm pretty sure she heard me wrong. As she rolls the wand around she says "10 weeks and 1 day?" No, I correct her. She then says the most beautiful thing I have ever heard "oh...that makes sense...there's the heartbeat". WHAT??!!! I almost fall off the table. I can't believe my ears...did she just say there is a heartbeat. Nurse savy me knows that at this point where there is a heartbeat there is life. The tech goes and casually calls Brian in from the waiting room. He pokes his head around the ultrasound tech and she shows him the heart beat. He looks at me, he looks at the screen...I can see he's SO HAPPY and scared to believe it's true. The tech prints us off a picture and says "there, the first picture for the baby book".
Honestly...I can say that was one of the best days of my life. My hopes went from zero to sixty in about 2 seconds flat. I remember writing on my "Due in August 2010" baby message board that "no matter what happens after this, seeing that heartbeat was magical". Even with all that happened after, I'm still so glad I can say that is true. Aidan was a little miracle. I will forever consider that little flickering heartbeat my own Christmas miracle.
Will continue with post tomorrow....