Okay, there was something else that I wanted to touch on in my post from yesterday regarding Mother's Day but just didn't have the stamina. I'll do it now because I've found another person's words who gave me the energy to do so.
It's regarding the boy who I looked after in the NICU. On his mother's comment of "he must know how much he has to live for". As a bereaved mommy, it's hard not to feel utterly crushed reading a statement like that. Because if her son is still alive because he has a lot to live for, then what does that say about Aidan? What does that say about anyone who doesn't die happy and content and full filled in their beds at a ripe old age? Did all the rest just give up?
I found a posting on a blog entitled Glow in the Woods, written by a woman named Kate who is so much more eloquent than I. She writes:
Baby A is such a fighter. Baby B—what a miracle! Baby C? Which Baby C? Oh, that one. He did not survive. He just wasn’t exceptional enough. When it was all done Don Cherry asked him what happened out there on the ice and he shrugged and said “I guess the other guys just wanted it more than I did.”
Why the hell did Aidan end up as Baby C? What did he do wrong? Why did he, and me, and we, get a failing grade? We worked hard to keep him here. We did everything right. Why didn't Aidan and I 'prove them all wrong'? Why is life so monstrously unfair? Because I can tell you, that woman's son is not alive because he wanted it more than Aidan, that woman is not a better, or more deserving mother than anyone else. Her son is alive because of all the oxygen, blood transfusions, medications and tube feeds that have been pumped into his little body (me being one of the pumpers). Her son is alive because of the millions dollars that have been spent on medical technology, and in employing medical personnel (me again!) to care for him. Her son is alive because someone else's child DIED so her son could have a liver. Her son is alive only because his body is not badly damaged enough (yet) to fail. Has he survived a horrible ordeal last 11 months? Hell yes...but not because he (or his parents) wanted it more.
You see, that is all that ever separates us from those who have died...those who are living just have bodies that are not yet at the point where they no longer work. I learned that much as a nurse. It doesn't matter how much you want to live, how much you are loved, or wanted, or needed...if your body doesn't conform to the laws of biology, and medical technology does not exist, or fails, to make up for your body's shortcomings, then you die. Simple as that.
So because that didn't happen for my son, I will only ever have "if only..."