I hate it here

23 weeks + 1 day, 6 weeks + 3 days post rupture, day 4 in hospital.

I hate it here. I really do. I am not getting the same amount or quality of sleep that I got at home and that makes me very very anxious and dread going to bed. Even when I manage to fall asleep I wake up a lot. My husband stayed over last night and he fell asleep faster in the lounge chair then I did in my bed. The bed is not all that comfortable and I HATE HATE HATE being in a semi-private room. There is no privacy. My room mate now knows my entire life story after me having to reiterate it so many times over the last couple of days. I don't really CARE per say about this (I'm much more uncomfortable with the physical intimacy of sharing a room rather than the information sharing), but it makes the idea of our 'health care information being private' such a joke. I always thought that as a nurse when I'd have patients in multi bed rooms, but it really brings it home now.

The nurses also wake me up at 6:30 am to give me medication (antibiotics) and to take my temp, my blood pressure, my heart rate and my sats. After this I have a hard time going back to sleep. Then the night nurse goes home at 7:30 am. By 8:30 am the day shift is trying to get all their assessments done and come in to do my room mates vitals and listen to her baby on the monitor. LOUD LOUD LOUD. At home I was going to sleep around 1-2 am (normal for me because I was used to working afternoons) and sleeping usually fairly soundly until 11am. I felt well rested and I didn't worry about people waking me up. Actually the morning is when I would feel the best and the least anxious.

I'm also way more terrified of contracting an infection here. I don't have a washroom all to myself and I scrutinize everyone who comes in my room (sorry my 'space') as to whether they've washed their hands or not. I'm going to start using my own toilet paper and I have antibacterial wipes to try to keep myself and the toilet seat as clean as possible. It's awful worrying about this all the time. I know I could get an infection at home (in fact I did develop an infection in the placenta with Aidan which is what likely threw me into labour), but I wasn't being nearly as careful last time as we weren't entirely sure I actually ruptured until very close to the end of the pregnancy. It sucks to have to carry my toilet paper, pads and sometimes wipes to the bathroom every single time I have to go, since that happens about 10-12 times per day.

I am regretting my hurry to be admitted. At home I was nervous about going into labour and not making it to this hospital in time. I was worried about the effects bed rest was having on me physically. I am still nervous about that 'end point' and what it will look like (major pain? infection? deleterious effects on my heart?), but do feel confident that the medical team will be more 'on top of it' than they were last time (all that monitoring they are doing has GOT to be for something). On the other hand I'm now anxious and stressed and depressed all the time just being here. I cry multiple times daily, while at home I cried maybe once or twice a week. This place is bringing down my mental state and I'm afraid if the baby dies, I won't be in a healthy mental state to cope with it.

An alternative to staying here is going to live with my parents who are about a 15-20 minute drive away (7 minutes if there is no traffic). I would feel physically more comfortable living with them and I am pretty confident that this is the hospital the ambulance would bring me to in the event we had to call one (whereas if I were at my house this is not the closest hospital). My parents are more than willing to have me live with them, and for the next week and a half my mother is actually off work so there would be someone with me at all times.

Brian, however, feels I am in the safest place and would be angry with me if I said I wanted to check out. He is already talking about spending $100/day to get me a private room here at the hospital if that is what would make me more comfortable. What I feel he doesn't get, is that I don't WANT to spend $700 a week on a hospital room!!! That seems insane. I don't WANT to carry any more debt. Would I be more comfortable in a private room, yes, absolutely...but probably not $700/week more comfortable!!!!

What I would like, if he won't let me leave the hospital, I would like Brian (and our cat) to stay with my parents. I feel it would solve a lot of the 'extraneous' worries I have that don't involve myself or the baby. If my husband lived there he could take the subway and be here soon after work to be with me in the evenings and on weekends. This eliminates the parking concerns down here at the hospital (he can't arrive before 6pm on weekdays or otherwise it's $20 to park). It also would mean my parents could do things like shopping, cooking, cleaning and spending time with our cat so that Brian could spend more time with me. I hate that he had to go home today at 3 pm in order to get those types of things done, and I feel guilty wanting him to stay because I know he needs to shop, clean, make meals and generally take care of our house while I'm here. Plus at our home he's still 25-30 minutes away at night (or more if there is an accident on the highway) if something happens and I go into labour. If I needed him in a hurry I would feel a lot more comfortable with him being close by then farther away at our house.

His reasons for not wanting to stay with my parents are EXACTLY the same as the reasons I don't want to be at the hospital. In short, he wouldn't feel comfortable. He wouldn't have his own bed, his own stuff, his own bathroom, his own computer. I get it. I really do (obviously). But come on! I would have no desire to live with his parents either if the situation were reversed, but the savings in parking and gas ALONE would be worth it to me for the inconvenience of having to 'move'.

Maybe I'll feel better if I make it to 24 weeks. But, something tells me I won't feel more 'hopeful' until closer to 26 weeks plus. Honestly, I'm not sure I would want to do 'major' resuscitation on a 24 weeker. If the baby arrives at 24 weeks and attempts to breathe and cry, of course, intubate. But what if two days later the baby has brain bleeds, and needs higher and higher levels of O2 or respiratory support? What if the baby develops a major infection? Yes I know the general public seems to feel '24 weeks' is a major milestone, but the stats say only 40% of 24 weekers live, and less then that survive without major complications. I know. I've seen it. Parents sometimes get so caught up in the 'That's my baby! Do everything to save my baby!' that they don't consider who they are 'saving' their baby for. Being a parent means making hard decisions...and I want to keep my baby's welfare in mind, rather then my own desire to have a living child.

I've said it before. I would bring Aidan back in a heart beat, but I wouldn't bring him back to live a life that I wouldn't want for myself. Could I accept a G-tube? Yes. Oxygen for a period of weeks or months? Sure. Physical therapy or surgery? Yep, we can deal with that. But there are outcomes worse than death that I wouldn't want for my child. I just really hope I can physically, mentally and emotionally cope with what is to come.

If you want to leave a comment today please be mindful of my mental state. As much as I know everyone is trying to be hopeful for me, I'm just not there today and cheerfulness is too much to bear at this point in time.