22 weeks + 6 days, 6 weeks + 1 day post rupture, 2nd day in hospital
Okay, I'm over being in hospital now. I've been here 24 hours and I want to go home. I miss my comfortable bed, I miss my cat, I miss my own washroom and my own sheets and my own windows. I miss not having strangers barge into my room unannounced (as a nurse I know they have to do that, but damn is it intrusive). I miss being able to do my mini stretching exercises on my carpetted bedroom floor which I was trying to do to keep myself in some sort of 'shape' that didn't resemble 'blob'.
It is hard to contemplate that the longer I'm here the better it is for Acorn (and we're not even sure of that. If he goes without fluid for long enough, no matter how long he 'bakes' his lungs won't develop), but the longer I'm here the worse it is for me physically and mentally. I want this baby to come home healthy...but damn the cost of that is high. Will it be higher than I can take? Higher than I can give? I don't know. I hope not.
Leaking is also extremely hard on me mentally. The last few times I've leaked I've 'sealed' fairly quickly. Usually the leaking would taper off within 24-36 hours and I'd be dry for days (2 weeks last time) until it would start again. But it's been 36 hours now and I'm still feeling 'gushes' when I move. I'm worried this time it's not going to stop. It's hard. I feel so bad every time I feel a gush. I feel like I'm leaking Acorn's life away and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to be really clean to prevent infection, but that's harder in the hospital too. I'm worried about everything (Germs on the toilet paper? I have to share a room, so does my room mate have any illnesses? Staff members in and out of here all day long, none of you better be sick and for GOD'S SAKE WASH YOUR HANDS!) It's awful. I've lost control of my body, lost control of my ability to protect my baby, and now I've lost control of my space.
At the beginning of this pregnancy I was SO SURE things would be different. Possibly something bad would happen, but most likely everything would go well. Things couldn't go exactly the same as last time. Right? Right?! I think I even said to my husband "I don't think we could repeat the same exact circumstances if we tried". Everyone was so sure it was a 'fluke'.
But here we are again, and holy shit does it ever suck.