Visitors

24 weeks, 7 weeks + 2 days post rupture, day 4 at my parent's place.
(doctor's dates put me at 23 weeks + 5 days).

Still baking. We've passed the gestational age that Aidan was born at even by the latest due date that the doctor's have me at.

Yeah.

I'm still pretty down, but distraction is easier here at my parent's place. I have good food, my mom, my dad and Brian to talk to. No one bothering me to take my temperature or blood pressure every couple of hours. No one wakes me up in the morning to take pills. No one wants to hear the medical story of my life. Everyone here already knows it. It's such a relief.

I have been sending e-mails to update family and friends. I didn't do that at all when I was pregnant with Aidan. Some people didn't even know I was pregnant until after he died. I kind of regretted that after the fact, as I feel like maybe I missed out on letting people support us. Or maybe they would have been sadder for themselves if they knew Aidan was 'coming' and then he wasn't. So I've tried to do more 'sharing' this time around. My e-mails are a shortened but accurate description of what is happening. I try not to sound too hopeful, but also not too pessimistic. And I continue to be appreciative of all the e-mail support I've gotten back.

One thing that I've found really hard about letting more people in on the loop is the inevitable response of people wanting to come to visit, either when I was at home, or at the hospital or here at my parents place. People often want to schedule these visits days in advance and I'm at a loss as to what to tell them. My friend texted me the other day and said "How about I come by next Friday?" I literally don't know what to say because I have NO IDEA as to what will be happening next Friday. My plan is to still be waiting it out, pregnant at my parents' place, with no pain, no bleeding and hopefully building up fluid. The reality could be very different.

People don't get the moment to moment worry this situation causes us. How I could literally be laying around, watching a movie, sleeping, having dinner, or 'entertaining' guests and something could happen. I could spike a fever, start to cramp or bleed. I could have silent dilation of the cervix and the cord could prolapse cutting off the blood flow to the baby. Acorn could literally go from fine (or fine-ish) to dead in less than the amount of time it takes to brew a pot of tea. This morning I got up and realized I hadn't really felt him kick in awhile...and I thought "this could be it, he could be already gone. I might be delivering today". My next thought was "at least I got a good sleep last night if that's the case". A quick check with the doppler said his heart beat was still it's normal 150-ish so that was a relief, but still...it just brings it home that any day, any hour, any minute, could be the end.

I really don't want other people (other than my mom or Brian, or my brother or dad in a pinch) around if that is going to happen. Brian feels the same way. He wants to be with me, just in case, and any distraction (including work) is hard to endure. Do I miss people and wish I could distract myself with visitors? Absolutely. Do I wish I could get outside and do something normal and fun to while away the time? Of course. It's not that I feel like these prospective visitors are bothering me. I wish very much that I could have a parade of them...but I'm afraid of what my body might do when they're here. I guess I could liken it to when you have the flu. You might barf at any moment and you don't want people, even nice, kind people like your best friend or your extended family members around if you're going to have to run to the bathroom.

So while pregnancy is usually a time to gather your friends and family around you to celebrate and wait in anticipation, a time for parties, gifts and exchanges of knowledge and support...I'm alone.

And sadly, I like it that way.

What the heck happened to all your lovely comments on my last post? Stupid Blogger stole my comments and didn't give them back!