Sunday, April 3, 2011

Thoughts from the bed

18 weeks + 1 day. 10 days post rupture.

I'm starting to meld into bed rest. The first few days my legs and back were so sore from laying down for so long. Now my body seems to have given in and things don't hurt so much anymore. I guess that's a good thing?

One of the worst things about bed rest is how much time it gives you to sit and think. And hey, if you're on bed rest you likely have shitty circumstances to ponder. These are a few of the (possibly crazy) things that have been running through my head.

1. It bothers me that if this pregnancy results in another dead baby, that it will somehow compromise Aidan's position as my 'one and only' dead child. I feel possessive of that title for him. He did not get a chance to express his personality or have any likes or dislikes. His specialness resided in the fact that he was my only child and that he was dead. If everything had gone as planned and Acorn was a normal full term healthy baby, then he would get the title of 'one and only' living child. Able to grow and develop a personality of his own. He wouldn't be my 'only child', but he'd be the only child I'd get to know. Somehow the two of them sharing the title of "Emily & Brian's dead children" seems to lump them together too much. If Aidan could remain as our 'dead child' and Acorn could remain as our 'living child' it somehow preserves each of their individuality, each of their specialness. It makes me sad to think of others not remembering them individually like I will. I feel that if they are on the 'same side of the veil' as it were, their relative importance in our lives will be lost.

2. We have obviously been speaking a lot more with friends and family over the past week. People want to know what happened and provide support, which I completely understand and appreciate. But as people are wont to do in the course of conversation, they will occasionally mention things involving 'the future'. Not the 'distant future', more like 'this summer', or 'at so & so's birthday'. For example, my brother mentioned going to the cottage this summer and how it would be nice to spend time with us up there. My mother talked about a restaurant that she recently visited and how we should go there sometime. My brother-in-law & sister-in-law talked about an annual out of town concert we could go to again this year. While I appreciate that this is what normal people do, talk about the future, make plans etc: It rips my heart out every single time. Because I did that already. After Aidan died everything I did from helping my friend move, to going to the cottage, to getting a new job, to planning to get pregnant again, was because AIDAN WASN'T HERE. I want to scream at the unfairness of possibly having to pick up the pieces of my life again and pretend that I'm enjoying what I'm doing instead of spending every single day thinking "I'm only doing this because I have no baby to look after". Maybe other people are better at doing this, distracting themselves with plans so as to avoid focusing on what was lost...but I'm not one of them.

3. Before we got pregnant the first time we had a boy and a girl name picked out. When we found out Aidan was not likely to survive, I was sad that one of those names, a name I had imagined belonging to a living child, would now belong to a dead one and I would rarely get to say it out loud. I wrote about it here last summer. So now, having received the same news about this pregnancy, we have a similar decision to make. If the baby is a girl, a fact which I doubt, she will get the name we had originally picked out for a girl. We gave Aidan the name we wanted for a boy, so we could not deny our first daughter her rightful name. However, boy names are trickier this time around because before my water broke, we hadn't agreed on a front runner. The name that I wanted to use, my husband admitted he was going to give in on...but now I'm not sure I want to use it. It's a distant relative's name, and while that wouldn't have mattered if I had a living breathing child around that I was calling that name every day, it will bother me to hear it referred to in family conversation regarding a person that is not my child. So, we should probably pick a name that no one, on any side of the family has ever used. But....what if the baby lives? Then I would want to go back and use the name I originally wanted. So do we pick two names? A name for a dead child and a name for a living child? It seems kind of unfair to Acorn. But then nothing about this situation is fair.

Well that killed a few hours, writing about my crazy thoughts. Exercising my fingers at least.

Feel free to leave a comment about anything above.


  1. The time you have with these thoughts swirling around in your head must be torture. You're asked such good questions, none of which I have answers to.

    (((HUGS))) You're in my thoughts.

  2. I think these are all completely understandable emotions, thoughts and feelings. I really hope this pregnancy has a different ending with Acorn than what you are anticipating right now... I hope you get to use the name you really want, for your live baby when he or she is born, rather than worrying about what name to give if Acorn doesn't make it.

    I know the feeling only too well of people trying to talk to you about the future, and work you wouldn't be doing if you had a baby to care for. It's just the worst thing, and no one who hasn't been through it can even begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling.

    Sending you my best thoughts.

  3. I can totally relate to you on the name problem. When we had our daughter at 21 weeks we knew that we would have to use the extra special name we picked out because we doubted that we'd ever get to use it again. (we already have 2 boys and were in complete amazement that we were having a girl). I, to this day, am still so pissed because our most favorite name in the world is gone to us. Now the name is only used in hushed conversations when we're really sad. I almost picked a "second best" name anticipating that this is how I would feel but realized that I had to give my daughter the best in everything even though there are so few oppertunities.
    I'm so sad for you that this is happening again.
    Hugs and Prayers...

  4. I so agree with Hillary. When we had our twin boys Easton Craig and Benjamin Parker in November I was crushed that not only were my babies gone but also my favorite names. Craig is my fathers name and Benjamin is my father in laws. I was so sad for the babies grandfather's because they did have grandchildren named after them but not living children. Easton and Parker still remain to be our favorite names but we can't use them again because we have two children with these names. I try to say their names as much as possible and talk about them often because they were ours and they were here for a brief time. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I pray a miracle for your acorn. God bless your family. Betsy

  5. I have been following your blog for about two weeks. My throughts are with you. I am staying positive along with you. I have seen babies be born from situations that seemed impossible. So I want you to know that as long as there is hope, keep whatever shread of it is alive.
    I am always here if you need anything. We lost our daughter Eden, a year and a half ago and have since adopted a baby boy, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my daughter.

  6. You have been on my mind so much, and I want you to know that. I think about you and Aiden, and Acorn constantly and I am still holding onto hope for Acorn. Sending you my love!

  7. Just want to say you continue to be in my thoughts, as does precious Acorn. I'm just so sorry you are going through this awful limbo.
    I am hoping so hard for you, and your sweet baby.

  8. All of these thoughts.. not crazy but rather they are your reality. I do so wish that people on the outside could just 'get it' but they very rarely do.Please know that you continue to be in my thoughts... sending you love and light

  9. I'll comment on names... We had cousins and siblings who gave their children the names of our children who died, as a way to honor them. Is it hard? Yes. Very much so. But at the same time, hearing those names... Hearing them aloud... It's so beautiful, too.

  10. I'm a quiet follower of your blog, but i feel the need to post, just to let you know that i'm thinking about you and praying for you and Acorn :) It's definately hard being pregnant after a loss, and even harder when it looks like that pregnancy is going down the same road. But i agree with what someone above said, as long as you have hope, there's always the possibility that you could still have a happy, healthy baby.

    About the names....that is a hard decision to make. I would probably choose whatever my heart was leaning towards. In saying that, i would probably be leaning towards changing the name to something that wouldn't be heard in the family, and it would be Acorn's name only (in the family of course, it's hard to find a name that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE doesn't have, lol), but if everything turns out to be fine, go with the name you had originally picked out. That's IF it's a boy :) With our pregnancy after the loss of a boy (Rylee), i was so antsy about knowing the sex so we could make a name decision. Luckily we ended up having a girl, which we went with something similar to Rylee and named her Kaylee.

    Again i'm keeping you, your husband, and Acorn in my thoughts and prayers. And look at it like this (this helped me through my 2nd pregnancy), Acorn has someone watching over him/her...>>Aiden. :)

    God bless you guys!!!

  11. Thinking of you and Acorn and hoping for a good outcome.

    About the names - a name is a sign of love, but not the love itself. Whatever name you choose for your Acorn, it is clear that you love Acorn mightily.

    Sending love.

  12. Thinking of you, what a horrible situation to be on bedrest with nothing to do but contemplate worst case scenarios. I hope you will have a happier ending, but I know the odds aren't fabulous. Still, someone has to be on the other side of those odds.

    Names are so hard. I don't know what I would do, but I don't think choosing a different name means you love this child less. I do hope you get to find out the gender soon though. Sending good thoughts your way.

  13. Names *are* hard. After my husband and I got married, we started thinking of baby names. Natalie was **the** girl name for us. I knew even before our first child was conceived that she'd be a girl so Natalie it was. While we were looking for a middle name, we happened upon the name Sapphira (Hebrew for beautiful) and loved it so much that we had decided to name our daughter Sapphira Natalie. When we found out at our 18 week ultrasound that I was indeed carrying a girl and that she would die once she was born, we changed our minds back because we felt like we needed to go with our first choice. Looking back, there was really no good reason to not use Sapphira for her first name...we were just so caught up in the grief of being given her fatal diagnosis, that we had very specific reasons for the name decision that don't make very much sense to me or that I don't remember now...I'm sure you know what I mean! :) We ended up naming her Natalie Sapphira and then when our third child turned out to be a girl, we named her Sapphira in memory of her big sister. I don't think it's a big deal to switch names around if they don't feel right. We technically had a dead baby and a living baby name even though we didn't call it as such. Whatever you do will be perfect and wonderful for sweet Acorn.

    I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I am a friend of Angela's and found your blog through her. I lost my daughter, Natalie in March 2006 and then most recently had a miscarriage in February 2011 (we named him Asher since I felt certain he was a boy). Dead babies just don't make sense and I have nothing smart or wonderful to say, except that I can understand what you are have gone and are going through and will continue to keep you and your husband in my prayers. xoxoxo

  14. I'm glad the bedrest is getting easier. I think of you all the time and wonder what is happening.

    I understand all your points. I don't think anything will compromise Aidan's position though. He will always be your first and you will always have that special place in your heart for him. You have a special place in your heart for Acorn too, but it is different as Acorn's pregnancy is so different. I'm still holding out hope for Acorn, we all are.

    I hate it, HATE IT, that you may have to go through all the early grief again. It is horrible. The constant faking it is horrible. It is horrible that you even have to think that you might have to do all that again.

    Jacob's name was going to be Evan for awhile. Evan or Jacob, but Evan was the front runner. I have a cousin named Evan. When we found out that Jacob was coming early and was already gone and had to decide on his name, we talked about naming him Evan. It just didn't feel right anymore. I also didn't want to see my cousin and say his name and hear other people say his name and know they weren't talking about my child. And Jacob just seemed like the right choice and I have no regrets about that.

    I check your blog everyday, hoping that something good has happened. At least nothing worse has happened yet and there is still hope. I wish I could do more.

    Sending you love.

  15. I can relate to your son Aidan's name and the loss of a specific dream of calling our children by their special names. I also lost Josephine or aka Joey due to pPROM. Yes, the whole thing is unfair... how your plans were disrupted by this and how certain events take place b/c you didn't have Aidan with you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I wish you hope and optimism as we stand against what if's and the uncertainty.

  16. I also felt that I would have liked a chance to say Adrian's name every day as one would with a living child. I don't think that the two of them would lump together as you say it, I think each pregnancy is very different in our minds. At least in my mind. Maybe it helps that this baby is a girl. And I was also very convinced that it was a boy.