20 weeks + 2 days, 25 days post rupture.
It's coming. It's only days away. Aidan's first 'dirthday'. I have a very hard time calling it his 'birthday', because it shouldn't be. He was due August 15th 2010. Only a very very small percentage of very lucky babies due on August 15th, could be born on April 21st and live to see any other birthdays. I 'technically' should have an 8 or 9 month old.
Instead April 21st will always be a sad/happy/bittersweet day in this household.
Up until all the stuff with my current pregnancy happened, I was actually looking forward to the day. I didn't plan on doing anything big involving family and friends as some people do ('birthday' parties, fundraisers, memorial gatherings etc), but I had hoped the day would be a special one for my husband and I to spend together. We had both booked it off work long ago. People asked me at work "are you going on a trip?" and my response was "No, that's my son's 'birthday'...and I don't want to be here on that day". I wanted the day to make a cake or cupcakes that we might eat for breakfast. I wanted to go for a walk in a local park and hopefully see some buds on the trees and flowers poking out of the ground. I wanted to maybe take some photos of things I've collected for Aidan over the last year. I wanted a day to just sit and remember my son, maybe even do something artsy or creative in his honour.
I remember thinking back sometime in February or early March "I know I'll be 20ish weeks pregnant at that time, but I don't want April 21st to have anything to do with the new baby. That's Aidan's day".
Best laid plans.
It started to unravel back when around 16 weeks pregnant I had my first placental scan. The date that they gave me for my 2nd follow up scan? April 21st at 8:45am. Initially I was going to cancel it. I didn't want to be anywhere near a hospital or doctor's office on that day. It was AIDAN'S DAY, not a day to get news about Acorn, good or bad.
But then my water broke, and the placenta is bad again and I'm having doctor's visits almost weekly, and the April 21st appointment is still scheduled. Now I can't do any of the things I planned to do for Aidan on his day. I'm not allowing myself to stand for long enough to bake cupcakes. I can't go for a long walk in the park. We will be at the doctor's office that day at 8:45 am for another placental/baby scan, then talk to Dr. K. and pick his brain about all the things I mentioned in my last post. Then it's on to Dr. S. who will look at us with his hound dog face with little hope in his eyes. Then, just for an added bonus, if I finish up with the doctors quickly enough I'll have a 45 minute long ECHO on my own heart. Then we will go home and crash in bed, tense and stressed as always after these appointments.
This is all assuming I don't go into labour before then of course, because it's always a possibility. If that's the case, then for Aidan's first 'dirthday' I'll be having another dead baby.
So, instead maybe I can ask all of you to do something for my Aidan that day, since I can't. Do something nice for someone and tell me about it. Take a picture of his name and send it to me. Have some cake in Aidan's honour (the calories don't count if you're eating it for someone else). Take a picture of something growing in your garden or any other small living creature and post it for me to see. My e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org.
I feel so bad that, in our lives Aidan's day won't be just about him. It feels like one more way that things haven't worked out the way I wanted. One more way I've failed him. Maybe, if I know others are thinking about him, it can still be special and meaningful. It might not be me doing those things for him, but if I know others are thinking about him, and about how much he meant in our lives, that's almost as good.
It will have to be...this year, anyway.