Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Aidan

One year ago today I sat holding my son in my arms. He was perfect in every way, just small. And dead. Whereas hours earlier he was alive in my belly. It seemed unreal that it could be 'over'. All the weeks of hoping and wishing for 'things to be okay'...ending in 5 hours of labour, 2 pushes and a grand total of 54 minutes of life. How did that end up being my life? How did it end up being his? How was I going to go on from that point? My son was dead. MY son was dead. My SON was dead.

Over the past year that fact has become more ingrained in me. More a part of me. It doesn't feel foreign anymore to say "Oh, yes, my son Aidan died at 54 minutes of age". Or "yes, we lost a baby" or "Our first child died". It doesn't crush me the way it used to. The edges have been worn smooth. I don't go a day (an hour?) without thinking about him, but I do go days, even weeks, without crying. I did what I could this year to 'move on' from his death. Both my husband and I did. We got back out in the world. I got a new job, met new people. We went to movies and out for dinner. We hung out with friends. We went to family gatherings. We did it because what else were we going to do? We couldn't help Aidan anymore, but we could help ourselves. They were all hard things to do at first, but in the end we often felt better for going than not.

I guess what I would like to say to people is: I'm okay, Brian's okay. But it is not okay that Aidan died. That is never going to be okay. It will always hurt and I will always miss him. Miss the life we should have had, the life he should have got to live.

I miss you my little peanut. My Aidan. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Thank you to all of you out in blog land that are thinking of my boy today, or who sent me a picture, something in the mail or a kind note. It is very appreciated.

18 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and Aidan... Sent him love on the walk I just took... Felt him in the new leaves on the spring trees... Love, love, and much love...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Only been reading your blog for a few weeks but I remembered that today was Aidan's birth anniversary and I wanted you to know that I sent out a "Happy Birthday" for him!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you and your Aidan today...on this very special day. I am so sorry you don't have him here with you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hoping today is as gentle as it can be for you. Thinking of you and Aidan and sending love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thinking of you and Aiden today. I will light a candle for your sweet boy

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thinking of your little Aidan today sweetie.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've been thinking of you and Aidan all day. I like what you said about you being OK, Brian being OK, but that it is not OK that Aidan died. It's not, but you have to pick up and move forward.

    I'm going to go and light a candle for Aidan now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You and sweet Aidan have been on mind all day. Lots of love to you, mama.

    ReplyDelete
  9. thinking of you and sweet aidan, and wishing so much that he were home with you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thinking of Aidan and you today. Not a day goes by that I don't check on you through your blog. Happy birthday to your sweet boy. Hugs to his mama who misses him very much.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Happy Birthday sweet Aidan! Thinking of you and Brian today as you remember your perfect little one. My heart aches with yours...I completely understand how you are both 'okay', but it is not okay that Aidan died...such true words. Love to you both on such a difficult day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy birthday Aidan. Glad to hear you guys are trying to get out more and trying to enjoy life, your sweet Aidan will always be loved and missed. Thinking of you and Aidan today.

    I also have been trying to think of something to send you with his name but have been just scattered brain but I will try to get something to you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Aidan, you are forever loved and missed. Please watch over your mommy and your sibling, Acorn.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am sorry to post a day late.. we are thinking of your precious Aidan Emily....

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have been thinking of you so much and read all of your posts, despite not commenting. Hugs to you and thinking of sweet Aidan.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so sorry I have been away for a few days. So a belated happy birthday to your precious Aidan who is loved and never forgotten.
    xo

    ReplyDelete