Hope on a Rope

18 weeks + 6 days, 15 days post rupture (it's after midnight so I'm being technical here).

An all day marathon doctor's appointment today. Much of what was waiting. Saw Dr. K, the placenta specialist and Dr. S. my high risk OB. On to the update...

Dr. K. came into the ultrasound room after the tech had finished her bit. He confirmed that, once again, my placenta has developed a condition called Breus mole, just like Aidan's. What this means is that my placenta has a layered look, with healthy functioning tissue as the bottom layer closest to the uterus wall, but with tissue that is filled with clots the closer you go to the fetal surface. These clots make the placenta thicker than normal. However, some good news is that, just like with Aidan, blood flow to the placenta from me is normal as is the flow through the cord, meaning that there is capacity for the baby to grow.

I asked Dr. K. whether heparin in future pregnancies would be advised. His feeling was that it wouldn't help, and might actually be detrimental because this seems to be a 'too much bleeding' condition rather than a 'too much clotting or poor blood flow' condition (like people with pre-eclampsia or thrombophilias). He feels this condition is inherent within my placenta and is likely genetic in origin since it has a) happened twice and b) I show no signs of any condition which could cause this. He feels it might particularly be x-linked, meaning that boys are more affected (increasing my supposition that this baby is a boy). Boys tend to be more highly affected by placental abnormalities and thus a girl may avoid it or at least have a less severe case. This would be good news for any future girls we may have. Of course, nothing is for sure, and no one can guarantee this won't happen in every pregnancy I have.

We then moved on to fluid. It turns out, I actually have some. My AFI is 7.8 for those of you who care. In Dr. S.'s opinion, if I could maintain that amount, the baby's lungs would develop normally. (Way to put the pressure on Dr. S.) This is all supposing I can keep fluid in, don't get an infection, bleed heavily indicating an abruption or otherwise go into premature labour. Dr. S. also took me off antibiotics. He doesn't want to leave me on them long term as you risk other, nastier bugs taking up residence. This makes me VERY nervous for my heart, but I see his point.

As you can imagine, this whole day is very stressful. I come home exhausted, with my heart racing, my blood pressure probably elevated, my body cold from being tense for so long, and jittery from not eating, crying, and sitting for hours (we waited almost 3 hours from the end of ultrasound to see Dr. S. VERY unimpressive).

I come home with some pieces of good news, but ultimately I'm almost more nervous. I feel MORE responsible for keeping Acorn and myself healthy, when ultimately I intellectually know there is little I can do. I continue to drink a lot, move around a limited amount, take my acidophilous pills to replenish good bacteria and pray I've sealed enough to prevent infection or leakage. I'm also hoping that the placenta doesn't get any worse, and that it doesn't start to bleed, impede blood flow or otherwise compromise baby's health. We are also still hoping that there is nothing physically wrong with baby, since with low fluid volumes it's difficult to see. Oh, and of course, it would be nice if my own health is uncompromised with all of this. Dr. S. is ever concerned about my heart, which still could be affected by pregnancy related complications.

It's a lot to keep up hope and positivity while walking this high wire tight rope. I'm so afraid I'm going to fall.