Nothing new happening around here. Still not pregnant. Still waiting for the hopefully fruitful RE consult. (Where we get to discuss Aidan and his tragic circumstances with yet a new set of doctors...oh joy!). The date for this appointment is still not set.
But, in the meantime, I'm starting to feel more beaten. More broken. More sad. More hopeless.
When I think about all that my husband and I have had to live through in the last year and a half, I cry. I cry for us. I want to pat myself and my husband on the head and whisper "oh you poor, poor dears" like some old English granny. Really, I cannot quite convey how really awful it's been.
April 2009 until now looked like this: Stressing about getting pregnant. Taking longer than anticipated to get pregnant. Dealing with abnormal test results on both our parts. Then pregnant. Then possibly miscarrying. Then seeing a heartbeat. Then blood, blood and more blood. Then reassurances that things will be okay. Then bed rest and off work, and financial stress from that. Then bad news. Then really bad news. Then trying to hold on to hope for our baby. Then just living day to day, knowing it wouldn't end well. Then Aidan dies and it's all darkness and pain and sadness for weeks and months... Then feeling like I'm stuck back at the beginning of this paragraph all over again.
I'm sad that life has not been easy for us in the last year and a half. I know we have life a thousand times better than most people. I know that. I am grateful for that. But, that does not take away from the pain of knowing we have it a thousand times worse than others.
I try to be one of those "happiness is what you make it" kind of people. I do my best to adhere to the policy of "when life hands you lemons, make lemon aid"...but honestly, I'm too tired, too broken to do it right now. I don't want to make anything good out of this devastation. I don't want to have to work hard to overcome anything. I would trade all the life lessons in the world for my son back.
I just would like something GOOD to happen, you know? Something easy and wonderful. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to hold it together, trying to keep my focus on the future. When things will be 'better'. I want 'better' to be soon...to be right now.
Just wake me when it's over.
How do you hold on to hope? What keeps you getting out of bed each day? Is it working?