Okay, I hope people don't hate me for this post.
As much as I love connecting with other babylost moms on the internet, (and don't for one moment take this post to mean I don't want to hear from you), sometimes hearing all those stories of death and sadness...well it just gets me down. I'm also starting to really get upset at myself for a reaction that I have to each and every story...
My reaction after reading about each baby death now seems to include a rating system. The story is either "worse than mine", "better than mine" or "about equal". In math terms this looks like ">", "<" or "=".
I KNOW! I KNOW! No baby death, no matter how early, no matter how many living healthy children you have, is any less sad. All are equally loved and wanted and it's always tragic no matter what. My heart knows this...but my brain still wants to assign <,> or = to each one.
I feel weighed down by the story of the mom who has had multiple miscarriages and one still birth. I mean really? No one deserves that kind of pain. How the hell does she get up every morning? I feel so much sadness and empathy for this family whose heart has been broken over and over...but mostly I'm terrified that my life could become hers. One baby death is enough for a lifetime...I'm literally crushed under the thought of more. The losses this type of woman has faced always rates a > sign in my dead baby math.
More losses + more heartbreak spaced out over many years > than my one loss.
But then I read the story of the mom who has two living healthy children, then has a miscarriage at 6 weeks, then goes on to have another healthy pregnancy 3 months later. And I hate that I do this, but the whole time she's pouring out her pain into cyberspace I'm thinking "I would trade places with you in an instant".
Early loss + living healthy children + healthy subsequent pregnancy < my loss.
Other types of losses that are similar to mine, either gestationally, or because the person took awhile to get pregnant and is afraid another one won't come along, or because it was their first child tend to get an = sign. These are the mommies I generally feel closest to.
So, there you have it. Am I complete and utter bitch? Is my dead baby rating system a sign that I'm really starting to lose it? Do other people do this?
Do other people do this?