Thursday, October 21, 2010

6 months and a sliver of hope

Today is 6 months since Aidan left my body and died 54 minutes later in my husband's arms.

Half a year.

Sometimes it feels so long ago...other times it feels like yesterday. I was going to try to finish off Aidan's birth story in honour of his 6 months 'dirthday'...but I just have been too sad lately. It will take a lot of effort to write down what those last few weeks with Aidan were like. They were so full of anxiety, fear and sadness, mixed with the knowledge that every day was one day closer to the possiblity that he *might* be okay. If he stayed in long enough...if we could just keep hanging on. If I just lay still enough, drank enough water and didn't do anything to upset this razor thin balance we were on, maybe I could keep him in long enough. Maybe long enough for a miracle to occur.

It didn't.

I'll get to that story, one day soon. I promise. I need a good few hours to sit down and write it all out.

But here, on October 21st, a teeny tiny stroke of good luck did ocur. I finally got the call to schedule my RE appointment. AND...even better, my appointment is only 6 days away!!!

I was afraid they were going to say something like "oh, we're booking into next year..." but the doctor happened to have a few extra slots for next week and someone must have picked me to get one (possibly the words DEAD BABY on my chart DID help me in this one instance). My appointment is for October 27th. Coincidentally, it will also be the earliest day that I could possible test to see if I'm pregnant already. I'm not holding out much hope of that (too good to be true)...but I suppose anything is possible. (Well...not anything...but you know what I mean).

Anyway, let's hope things go well. Let's hope Dr. Wonderful has some miraculous strokes of intuition into our problem. Let's hope she's positive and says good things about our chances for another (healthy) baby. Let's hope whatever treatment she thinks we might need isn't too terribly costly. Let's hope she doesn't make me feel bad about coming to see her well short of the one year of TTC that all REs seem to hold to. Let's just keep up hope shall we.

6 months later and we're still trying to keep hope alive.

How are you keeping hope alive? Does it elude you often? What makes you feel hopeful?


  1. My family is currently holding out hope that in about 4 weeks we will be bringing home a healthy baby boy to adopt. We adopted our youngest daughter through Oregon's foster care system and her bio mom is currently pregnant (for the zillionth time)and called us last April to ask if we would be willing to adopt him. She is crazy on many levels and the ride has been similar to something out of a terrible movie, but we are slowly able to see a light at the end of the tunnel...trying hard to keep hopeful and hold on to the faith that she will do right by the baby and follow through with what she has been telling us. I guess part of me feels like as soon as I truly believe everything will work out, it will all fall apart. I know, it doesn't make sense, but I guess that's how we protect ourselves emotionally...mentally. I am hoping for the best for you and pray you get the happiness that eluded you. Due to the birth family, we have our blog private, but would love to share our journey if you're interested. Just email your email to: and put Blog Invite in the subject. Hope your appointments bring comfort and hope for the near future for you!

  2. hope eludes me most of the time. i'm so glad to know your appointment is soon. the hardest part for me when we went through our infertility treatment was the waiting, the testing, the insurance delays. i finally (after almost a year of stressing myself out by being so impatient) learned to let it go and take it as it came. now i need to re-learn that lesson. i hope the whole process goes smoothly and quickly for you.

  3. I admire your strength and courage. You're in my thoughts as you're dealing with six months.

    What great news about getting into the RE.

    Sending virtual hugs your way.

  4. 6 months - I'm so sorry Aidan isn't with you. It's just not right. Someday, when you are good and ready, you will write out his story. Don't put too much pressure on yourself until that day comes.

    On a happier note, I am glad the RE is able to get you in so quickly. I hope your RE experience is as positive as mine has been. After being a "problem" patient at my OB for a couple of years, it was a relief to have my RE on my side, someone who was proactive about TTC a healthy baby.

    Looking forward to your next update!