Today is 6 months since Aidan left my body and died 54 minutes later in my husband's arms.
Half a year.
Sometimes it feels so long ago...other times it feels like yesterday. I was going to try to finish off Aidan's birth story in honour of his 6 months 'dirthday'...but I just have been too sad lately. It will take a lot of effort to write down what those last few weeks with Aidan were like. They were so full of anxiety, fear and sadness, mixed with the knowledge that every day was one day closer to the possiblity that he *might* be okay. If he stayed in long enough...if we could just keep hanging on. If I just lay still enough, drank enough water and didn't do anything to upset this razor thin balance we were on, maybe I could keep him in long enough. Maybe long enough for a miracle to occur.
I'll get to that story, one day soon. I promise. I need a good few hours to sit down and write it all out.
But here, on October 21st, a teeny tiny stroke of good luck did ocur. I finally got the call to schedule my RE appointment. AND...even better, my appointment is only 6 days away!!!
I was afraid they were going to say something like "oh, we're booking into next year..." but the doctor happened to have a few extra slots for next week and someone must have picked me to get one (possibly the words DEAD BABY on my chart DID help me in this one instance). My appointment is for October 27th. Coincidentally, it will also be the earliest day that I could possible test to see if I'm pregnant already. I'm not holding out much hope of that (too good to be true)...but I suppose anything is possible. (Well...not anything...but you know what I mean).
Anyway, let's hope things go well. Let's hope Dr. Wonderful has some miraculous strokes of intuition into our problem. Let's hope she's positive and says good things about our chances for another (healthy) baby. Let's hope whatever treatment she thinks we might need isn't too terribly costly. Let's hope she doesn't make me feel bad about coming to see her well short of the one year of TTC that all REs seem to hold to. Let's just keep up hope shall we.
6 months later and we're still trying to keep hope alive.
How are you keeping hope alive? Does it elude you often? What makes you feel hopeful?