Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Reflecting on dead baby math

Um (peaks around the corner), hi...

So....

I'm at 25 comments and counting on my last post.

Apparently dead baby math evokes some strong feelings in people since it's my highest commented post ever (by a lot).

Thanks for not flaming me.

By my previous post I did not at all mean to imply that if you have older children or have subsequent children, that somehow the dead baby is rendered irrelevant. He or she is never irrelevant. Ever. No matter what. I think I will struggle with this within my only family when (if?) Brian and I ever have another child. I think our families will be so 'thrilled!' and 'stoked!' to find out we are pregnant again, that they will want to seem overly positive. We will likely get comments to the tune of "this one is going to turn out okay, I can just feel it" or "see, I knew it would happen for you!" or some other irritatingly cheerful bullshit. I will nod and smile, because really, I hope those things too.

But inside I will be FUMING for Aidan. The next baby is just that...the NEXT baby...it is not an Aidan replacement. Another child does not make his loss "okay"...but it would make us parents, and not *just* a (babylost) Mom and Dad.

If I cannot have Aidan I will be eternally grateful for any subsequent living healthy children, but it will not mean I miss him any less.

My anger and resentment to those who have other children or an easy time getting pregnant is completely a reflection of where I'm at right now. As we are nearing Halloween and cute costumed baby and child pictures are cropping up, I wonder if I will ever get to do that with my child. As pregnancy after pregnancy, after healthy baby delivery gets announced at work, within my family, on facebook, in the media, and between friends...I ache to know that feels like...even if it can't be with Aidan. I want to be a participant and not just a spectator.

We are nearing the end of cycle 5 after Aidan and while my boobs are slightly sore and I *might* have had a slight twinge of nausea...I find it trying to keep up the constant hope that "maybe this cycle will be it!" and expect to get a healthy baby in 9 months. Having had no experience with a healthy, normal pregnancy I flash to miscarriages, pPROM, prolapsed cords, genetic defects, asphyxiated deliveries and all the other multiple horrors that can occur. To actually get a healthy, living baby seems like the miracle, not the norm.

I just wish my dead baby math stood at zero.

4 comments:

  1. Your last post really hit home with many of us. I'm so glad that you had the courage to post it.

    I agree with this one also. If I ever get pregnant again, it will be our next pregnancy and, although people will say their bullshit, I'll never stop wondering what could have been if one of my other four babies had lived.

    (((HUGS)))

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  2. I totally get what you say when you write a healthy baby seems like a miracle, not the norm.

    I struggle with comments people make to about how everything will be OK now, how they just know it will turn out great, and in general how everyone seems to forget all of the pregnancies, which ended in miscarraiges, I had before.

    There is no stopping people from saying these things and having this attitude, so I distance myself quite a bit - even from family.

    I hope this is the month you get your BFP - got my fingers crossed for you!

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  3. I wish the very same thing... thank you for you honesty... Life and death are forever changed having been through what we have been through. Today I light a candle for you Aidan. The flame will burn out but his mamas impact is forever in my heart as result of him.

    xoxoxo

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  4. here's another equation for DBM.

    day of loss, to day of subsequent pregnancy.

    that seems to be the skull crusher in our community. the longer they have to wait, the harder they are on themselves. wish it wasn't so…

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