Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Who's out there?

31 weeks + 3 days, 14 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 12 in hospital (again).

So, some good news. Dr. W. came in on rounds today and immediately said that my C-section will be scheduled for July 21st, which will be exactly 34 weeks according to my September 1st due date (for you following my ovulation dates which I've been tracking above, it will be 33 weeks + 5 days). Not sure what time, but that's okay because I really don't want people hanging around the hospital 'waiting' for our baby to be born. On that day, I think I just want Brian here and that's it. If things go well, we can then call people to let them know and maybe even allow them to come visit. Same if things don't.

This is all considering we get that far with no disasters befalling us. It's scary, this high alert, watchful waiting, but I realize how much better it is for Acorn and his or her body parts to be born as close to term as possible. I just hope we are 'choosing' right on this. I hope I don't look back and regret it.

Another good thing is that my brand spanking new heparin injections are only given ONCE per day. I'm not sure exactly why this is as I'm more familiar with the twice daily injections we give to NICU babies...but hey, if they want them once a day who am I to argue. Jabbing me just once per day in my fleshy flank is okay by me. The shot didn't even hurt that much last night and if I only have to do it for a few more weeks before my body can (hopefully!) return to it's healthy, mobile, pre-pregnancy state, them I'm cool with it.

So while I'm writing some 'good news' here this evening, I'm actually doing it to keep my mind off my sadness. It's after 9pm, Brian has gone home for the evening, and I'm once again all alone and pondering my worries. Tonight I am longing for home. I haven't been in my own house since May 5th. Two months ago. I didn't miss my house so much while I was at my parents, but here it's different. I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to stretch out on my own couch and read, or sit in my little patch of back yard and smell the evening air. Shower in my own bathroom and use my own towels. Eat off my own plates using my own cutlery.

I miss not being able to walk farther than the bathroom. I miss not being able to decide "what should I have for dinner tonight?" and then go about making it myself (not that I love cooking or anything). I miss the ability to choose when and where and how my life is ordered. I miss feeling healthy. I miss the feeling of 'homeyness' you get in your mind, your body and your soul when things are just safe, and normal, and comfortable.

None of these sadnesses outweigh my desire to bring my baby home healthy and safe, but after almost 15 weeks, the heaviness grinds you down. Sometimes I just have to cry for all I am missing. In the end, what I hope to achieve will make it worth it, but in the mean time, I reserve the right to be sad.

So tonight I would like you guys to do something for me. I have a feeling that quite a few of you are checking up Acorn and following our saga on a regular basis as I regale you with my life's story and pour my heart out into cyberspace. So I was just wondering if you could maybe introduce yourself, especially if you aren't a regular commenter, and tell me why you are reading. It's nice to hear from the world beyond my 4 hospital walls and I would love to hear what you are taking away from my posts. I feel I am affecting the world so little these days, chained to my bed as I am, that it would be nice to hear what you get out of keeping up with my life.

So, 'my peeps', who's out there?


  1. Well, I have followed for a while now, I think only commented once. My name is Harlowe, I live in Wisconsin and I came to your page quite inadvertantly after the loss of my friend's three month old to sids. I've since come to check your blog daily for updates and to make sure Acorn in still hanging in there and you are keeping your sanity. I can honestly say that every time I see that you guys are still rolling along that I breathe a sigh of relief for you, for Acorn, and for Brian. I know you're not religious, but I pray (put good thoughts out there) for you guys everyday, and when you and Brian and Acorn are all home safely it'll all be worth it (which I'm absolutely sure you know.) Aidan and Acorn are very lucky to have such a devoted mommy who will do literally anything to ensure there safety. Hoping the next few weeks go by quickly!

  2. Hi! My name is Desire' and I live in south Louisiana. I just graduated from nursing school and I am a registered nurse. I stumbled upon your blog while I was reading a friends blog. I have only been reading for the past few months, but I have managed to read all of your posts. I admire you so much! You are a very strong woman. I wish you, your husband, and acorn the best! I can't wait for you to post pics of your baby! This is my friends blog: http://blmccoy.blogspot.com/

    Read it if you get a chance. She is a woman that I admire so much. I think that you two have a lot in common.

    I hope things go well in these next few weeks for you! I will keep you and acorn in my prayers!!

    Hope to hear back from you!

  3. I am trying to comment again ... I have tried a couple of times but your blog eats my comments. It is strange, it never happens on any other blog. I am reading, I am praying, and I think of you and Acorn daily. I wish I could do more. You blow me away with your strength. I did bed rest for 11 weeks or so, and it was extremely difficult. You are one amazing mother. If you can think of anything I can do from afar, please say the word!

  4. I love reading your posts, I am a silent reader for the most part. I stumbled upon you from your comments on another post and have been intrigued ever since. I now keep up with you because I am so hopeful and excited for a good outcome for you and your family. You deserve a healthy baby and I think that's what you will get.

  5. Me, I'm here ! Susie- from Christchurch New Zealand. I started reading when you were around 18 weeks with Acorn. I have forgotten how I found you as you are the only blog I read, and I check every day to see if you have posted(-: I am 26, a primary school teacher and a mum of one, Sophie. I work part time- 2 days a week, teaching kids who are REALLY hard work, but its nice to go to work again (-: Im reading as you caught me when i first read, many of my friends have lost babies and I am insprired by your strength!

  6. I am here, all the time. You already know my story.

    But I am happy the date is set, and I am hoping/praying/crossing my toes and fingers things go well for you on the 21st.

  7. I wanted to add, I hope things go well for Acorn on the 21st also. :)

  8. Still here reading too (mostly getting caught up and I'm way behind and your post just happened to pop up first). =) I can't even remember how I first connected to your blog, but I've been following since long before Acorn even came along. I have found myself checking your blog more often since your struggles with little Acorn. It has been quite a journey so far, and I am so glad that you have made it this far even though it has not been easy. I hope that things continue to improve and that Acorn is born a healthy little baby. =)

  9. I am Trisha...mommy to my Trent in heaven and my rainbow, Ian who is 6 weeks old. I had a very hard pregnancy and am following you hoping you have a happy ending like me! I blog at trentonjames0105.blogspot.com

  10. Hi, I'm Heather. My son was born at 33 weeks 0 days after a placental abruption. He spent 19 days in NICU but this Sunday he turns 2. He couldn't be any healthier, smarter or more perfect. Your baby will be okay.

    I found your blog through a friend with pROM. After many many months on hospital bedrest, she's happily at home with her healthy son too :)

  11. I started following you when Mel listed you as one of the 'bedrest babes' on LFCA. I follow you and try to comment on each post - even though my comments are probably stupid - because I'm touched by someone having to go through this, who is going through this in what I see a such a brave way. Your posts touch me - I can only imagine how each minute of each day must stretch out and leave you so much time in which to fill with worries and anxieties and angers you can't help but have.

    I live in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia. I did IVF for 5 years - 14 fresh cycles and very few thaw cycles. My first son, Blobby, was born at 14 weeks 2 days. No one would believe anything was going wrong. I'm now pregnant, after using an egg donor, with Sparky. I'm 34 weeks today, but I can't get over the fear that he won't live because of my previous experience. Compared to you I've had things very easy with my pregnancy; I don't know how you stay sane at all!

  12. I'm Hil, and I started reading because Aidan is my favorite boys name. It's beautiful.

    I'm a part time doctor with two boys from medical interventions. Two miscarriages along the way. I've been reading for awhile, hoping for the best outcome for your family. I'm continually impressed with your Toughness. Sure, nights may be hard but look how proactive you are. It's inspirational.

    Best wishes and prayers, hil

  13. Hi My name is Carrie. I came to your blog through LouMary's. I began reading about your journey before your water broke and have continued to do so. I come because I hold the hope so many of us do for you, even when you don't have any yourself.

    Perhaps it's silly to get caught up in another person's story so much but you are braver than you give yourself credit for and your dedication to this baby and your pregnancy is admirable to say the least. But most of all, I think I follow your blog because I want Acorn to do more than survive, I want him/her to show you that your motherhood was cemented long ago, that you are indeed a person he/she can always rely on, you are the epitomy of all it means to be a mom.

    There is nothing we won't do for our children, no journey too long that we wouldn't walk through it.

    I hope the rest of your path through this pregnancy is brief and easy, and I hope your little baby Acorn has the constitution of his/her mother and fights tooth and nail against any odds and gives you what you want... Time, a seemingly endless amount of time.

    Praying for you. Holding hope.

  14. I'm Tiffany. I'm not really sure how I found your blog but I think about you everyday and hope that Acorn is still holding on and growing strong. My 9 month old daughter Ellie died on October 25th last year of a sudden bacterial blood stream infection. She was perfectly fine the day before... Crappy things happen everyday- to people who don't deserve it. You know way too much about this. I read your blog because it gives me another thing to be hopeful about. I know when things seem so unclear its hard to be hopeful, sometimes it's easier to let other people keep your hope safe for you while you take a breather from the ever exhausting optimism. You have a whole lot of people pulling for you! I hope you can feel us!

  15. Hi, It's Hillary. I've commented a couple of times but not with any regularity (sorry about that...). I live in the great (hot) state of Texas and feel as if I am kinda sorta following you in the pregnancy saga. Non of it is as crappy as yours has been so I guess that I only kinda understand. I lost a little girl last October due to a crappy cervix and nearly lost the baby that I'm on parital bedrest now for. Most of the time when I'm busy feeling sorry for myself I just remind myself that there are people out there (like yourself) that have it much worse and that I need to start "getting over it". I know you don't feel like it right now but you are an inspiration to me to keep on going and that maybe good things do happen after horrible losses!!

    Hang in there girl! You can (and are) doing it!


  16. I've been following you for about a year now. I'm not sure how I stumbled on the baby loss corner of the world, but I was following you and several other women. Some of them have had babies, some of them are still TTC, and some of them have turned to other things completely. When I read that you were expecting again, I was so happy for you. And then there was bad news...and then good news...and then bad news. I know (no, I don't know, I'm sorry) it's so scary to have hope, but now that you're so close, you're in my thoughts daily. I know no time is a guarantee, but I have hope for you. I have to have hope.
    I am young, and married, and would love kids, but I know we need to wait a few years financially and whatnot. The only baby loss I have suffered was a miscarriage at age 16. It was frightening and depressing...I was only about 8 weeks along and I had no idea I was pregnant. I can't imagine how hard it would be to grow a person, my own baby, and to carry them every day and love them and plan for them and then have my world shattered. But like I said, I have to have hope. I am more sorry than I can say that you have to go through all this, and although I don't usually pray, I am sending some sort of cosmic wish out every time I read your blog that in a few weeks, you and your baby will be at home, healthy and happy.

  17. Hi Emily, My name is Leanne and I am from Nashville Tennessee. Like the reader above, I am not sure how I found your blog. I think I may have seen it on one of the other BLM's blogs and just began reading one day. I remember it was around week 20 or 21 of your pregnancy. Just the other day I was thinking about how far you have come since then and remember feeling so grateful for allowing all of us to come along with you on this journey. I am always so happy to read and find out that you are still pregnant and that little Acorn is doing well. You have made a tremendous impact on me. To have such a deeply intimate connection and look into your life during the past 2 pregnancies has been life changing for me, especially on how I look at life and the way I treat my family. Your strength and raw emotions are real and no matter what has happened, you still post. My husband and I have a little boy in heaven. Michael Francis was born on Aug 12, 2010....stillborn at 36 weeks because of MTHFR and FVL, blood clots in the placenta. Your story gives me hope and your strength to keep going is an inspiration! Even though things are still up in the air right now, keep hope close to your heart.... as much as you can sweetie and thank you for being so willing to share. Sending you so much hope and love tonight Emily.

  18. Hi there!
    I don't remember how I stumbled upon your blog but I look forward to every update! Every time i see some good news I do a fist bump in the air. Ridiculous? you bet. I'm a single mom and live in Yarmouth, Maine. My son was a week late, spent four days (hah thats nothing compared to what you have been through) being induced ended up with an 11 pound baby! If you ever need someone to vent too just shoot me an email! mama.bear@wyattburps.com

  19. I am Gloria and live in Alberta. I came to your blog from a mention on another blog I read. I've been following for a while and have been keeping my fingers crossed for you and Acorn.

  20. It's Annie in Minnesota. I've been following along for quite some time, praying for you and cheering for you. Like you, I've experienced loss and fought against what seemed long odds to try bringing home a rainbow baby - and now it seems we both may be just weeks away from having our little ones alive in our arms!

  21. I don't comment as often as I should - but I'm sure you remember me and my blog from last year. I always appreciated the comments you left me. I had nowhere near the kind of complications you have had in your pregnancies... but I can totally relate to the fear you describe in your blog. I was paralyzed with fear my entire pregnancy.

    It sucks.

    That said - I am so stinkin excited they have set a date! The countdown is really on now.

    Baby Acorn, you are so close to being in your mommy and daddy's arms.... hang in there a bit longer!

  22. Hi! I started reading from LFCA. I am rooting for you and little acorn! I can't wait to see whether he/she is a boy or girl!

  23. I'm another Annie (there's apparently a few of us out who are slightly addicted to your posts). I'm the Calvin's Hats lady... and a big Acorn cheerleader. I check your blog way too many times a day.

  24. Found your blog from a link on another pprom blog. I have 13 month old (adjusted) twins. Pprom on twin A at 18w5d, delivered them at 29wks. Twin B is hale and hearty. Twin A..is doing very well considering he wasn't supposed to survive. He spent 10 months in the nicu/nursery and is on nasal cannula at home. His other acronyms are GERD, NJ continuous fed, Gtube soon, slight GDD. Lots of PT/OT/feeding therapy! A happy boy regardless.

    I've been following your blog since you were about 20 weeks. Am soooo happy to see you cross the 30 week mark. Hope that everything remains uneventful till the Csection. I do recall those awful weeks on bedrest in the hospital and I can't believe you had to do it twice over. I'm wishing that Acorn is born with the chances that a 32/34 week preemie will have. Please hang in there..it's just a few more weeks. This too shall pass. I know its trite, but everyday in the hospital gives Acorn such a huge advantage.

    I have a blog for twin updates, meant for friends and family. Still trying to write that first post. Difficult to begin when there's so much history to plow through.

  25. I am Courtney, and I live in southern California. I am a stay at home mom to two young boys; before that, I was a 4th grade teacher. I came across your blog about a year ago, after you were mentioned in another blog I was reading. I have been pulling for you all along, and I'm so impressed by your strength, honesty, and intelligence. I am hoping for the very best outcome for Acorn!

  26. I'm Sally and I'm in Melbourne, Australia. I found you through another blog and once I started reading I couldn't turn away. You shared about your pregnancy and I was only a couple of days ahead of you, though I hadn't found the courage to share about my baby at the time.
    I was also drawn to you as I read a lot of blogs written by mother's who lost their first borns.
    I had a few issues early on with this pregnancy but they have since all sorted themselves out, so I have felt awful commenting sometimes, not really wanting to mention my own pregnancy because my pregnancy has been an absolute walk in the park compared to yours.
    I think of you daily and often wake up thinking about you, hoping that Acorn is still safely baking inside.
    I'm so glad to hear plans are in place to bring Acorn out. I'm thinking of you all the way, always hoping for the best.

  27. Hi, I'm Melanie and I've commented a few times but I read daily. I sometimes check back multiple times a day for an update. I think I found your blog through LFCA but i can't remember for sure.

    I've never been through a loss like yours with Aidan, but I identify with you in other ways. I had two miscarriages and a fertility struggle before getting pregnant with my son, who was born early at 31 weeks 6 days. He spent 30 days in the NICU. At the time it seemed like the hardest thing in the world to watch him struggle. But looking back now, it was just one month out of his happy healthy little life, that he won't remember anyway. He's now a healthy 18 month old, who loves going to the park and watching Elmo. We're very lucky. I'm now 20 weeks pregnant (surprise pregnancy) and scared shitless at every twinge and cramp that I have. Just trying to get through each week, sometimes each day, if I'm feeling crampy.

    I also identify with your bed rest and hospitalization. I've never been on it during pregnancy, hoping to avoid that. However, I was in a bad accident last summer and was in the hospital, then rehab facility, for 7 weeks. Then home with helpers for another 2 months after that before I could walk on my own. I totally feel ya on a lot of your posts about bed rest. It SUCKS to be completely helpless and dependent on other people. Such little mundane things that people take for granted become so important. I spent most of that time in a depression. Missing two months of my infant son's life, did not help matters. Your comments about the young carefree tenants and feeling old, really hit home for me. I've been struggling with that lately. With permanent injuries that have left me partially disabled, trying to care for my toddler, while pregnant and scared preterm labor will kick in any day, I feel about 50 years
    older than my peers.

    I think I got sucked into your story because of these things, but also because I just wanted to know the outcome. As the days and weeks click by and you and Acorn are still hanging in there, its become very exciting. I talk about you to my husband, who probably thinks I'm weird, but it's really an amazing story. You're one of those people who I will always remember, no matter what happens from this day forward. You have been through so much and I'm pulling for you and Acorn and thinking about you often.

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  29. I've been following you since the End of April and I don't even remember how I found you! But I remember reading everything that had happened and just got really curious about what would happen and all that! I hope and pray that everything will work out just the way you want it to in the end:]

  30. Hi, MrsH here, I am from Canada (the really cold North actually). I have lost a baby at 20 weeks and had to go through a period of bedrest with leaky membranes and a very poor prognosis after my emergency cerclage. I remember that time as one of the worst nightmares of my life. I admire you enormously for how well you are coping, and for your resilience. I am reading because your story is very touching and so unusual. I am really really really hoping for the best outcome. You deserve it 100 times over!

  31. Well, the first time I ended up here through google - I stumbled upon your worries over Acorn and asking what would happen if he was lost before being viewed as a child. I was happy to see that fear never came true and I'm now keeping my fingers crossed for a safe journey all the way back to the home you're missing right now.

    I lost my baby boy in a late miscarriage this spring, which was the reason for asking google something that connected me to your post...

  32. I'm Sandra, I don't remember how I found your blog but I'm also a PPROM mom. After a full term pregnancy with my daughter (which I took for granted), my waters broke at 24+6 with my son. I was on hospital bed rest until 27+3 when I complained to the Dr I could fell "something down there". The Dr checked him and saw his umbilical cord trapped in between his legs. They decided I would spend the night head down to see if it would make things better, but I woke up in the middle of the night with very strong contractions. About 2 hours later he was born by C-section, weighed 1122 grams and spent 2 months in the NICU. The doctor told me he had no water left at all. He did great, no roller-coaster for us ! Intubated 24 hours and then CPAP for about 6 weeks. ROP stage 2 in both eyes that completely resolved. He is now a very happy 3 and a half year old, no delays, speaks French and English fluently and will be starting school in September ! Every single day I look at him thinking we could have had a very different outcome. I'm so very lucky he's here and I will never ever take anything for granted again !

  33. Hi. My name is Sadie. I'm from Massachusetts. I found myself here through another blogroll that I check daily. My daughter Eva Margaret died on October 8, 2010 at 7 weeks 6 days. She was born healthy on August 14th. We took her home for one day when I realized something wasn't right. Eva wa re-admitted and spent the rest of her life in two different NICUs. Eva was a mystery to the doctors. An absolute beauty that was having a hundred seizures an hour and her brain wave patterns were not functional. Eva was on a ventilator because her brain no longer told her to breath. We made the decision to take her off of life support to end the suffering she was enduring. Although her fate inevitable, even the vent couldn't support her through some of her seizures. Our stories are so different but when I read yours I am reminded that I am not allow in tragedy or pain. Bad things don't just happen to me, they happen to other good people too. I am also reminded of the hope I carried with me during Eva's life. I wish my Grief didnt fill my arms so heavily that I could find space for that hope again. You are such an incredible mother. Be gentle with yourself. My grandmother always says, "Easy does it". Thank you for sharing your journey with me.

  34. I'm still reading all your posts. I just want to know what is going on with you, how you are mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm glad the delivery date is July 21st. It's truly amazing how far you have come and I admire you greatly. It's so hard to believe that you have had to go through so much, again. Life is just so unfair sometimes. I'm hoping you'll have Acorn home in the not-too-distant future.

  35. Hi I am Karri fom Buffalo. I am an ICU nurse and a mother of two. I have been trying to conceive #3 for over a year now with no success, and suffered a miscarriage in 2006. In 2008 my best friend lost her baby at birth due to cord entanglement, and a few months later the sister in law of a friend had PROM at 22 weeks and eventually lost her daughter at 24 weeks. I was pregnant with my second child during their pregnancies, and was hit particularly hard by their losses and experienced a lot of guilt for having a healthy baby. I began reading her blog and checking on her, and eventually saw your blog on the side of her page. I found your entries to be not only interesting, but so real. They have helped me be a better friend to my friend and to better understand what she has gone through. You really are a great writer. I felt compelled to keep coming back to check on you and to hope that you got your much desired outcome. I have never commented because I didn't know that I should comment since I don't technically know you. I guess too in some ways I was intrigued with your perspective of Aidan's journey, as I have been struggling on the "friend" side trying to know what the right things to do were and how to be the best friend possible. Even though you don't know me, I feel like you have become a friend and check to see how you and Acorn are doing all of the time. I know you are not religious, but I still feel compelled to pray for you and Acorn's safety and for your sanity. In fact, every night when my kids and I say prayers, they include Acorn as a regular. We are so thrilled that through all you have been through, Acorn continues to fight and defy the odds. You are such a strong person and truly an inspiration to women everywhere. I only wish that your pregnancies had not been so complicated and that Aidan had survived. I know you don't feel like you are making much of an impact on the world right now, but trust me, you are. All of us who read your blog have come here for a reason. Whether as a mother of a lost baby, or a friend or family member trying to understand the best way to help, your blog has shaped the way we live. So thank you for pouring your heart out and sharing your story with us. Continued prayers for a healthy mom and baby and for strength and guidance through this challenging experience.

  36. Hi. I'm Kate. Somehow I stumbled across your blog, but have been reading it ever since I found it. I've been praying for your and Acorn and think I've left a few comments here and there.

    I'm a fellow baby loss mom. My son Drew was stillborn at 37.5 weeks because of a cord accident last June. I also lost baby "Albos" (Andrew's little brother or sister) in February of this year due to an ectopic pregnancy.

    I recently started a blog http://spendtimeinmyshoes.blogspot.com/ so if you need something to read to distract you for a while, add this to your list.

    I'm continuing to send good thoughts your and Acorn's way.

    Take care of yourself and your sweet baby.

  37. Hi, I'm Shannon, and I am from Nevada, I ran across your site from another site and have been following you ever since, I am a mother of 3, 2 of those happen to be a set of boy/girl twins, which I was a high risk pregnancy.

    I have been hoping and praying that the little one you are carrying makes it through. You have so much strength and courage.

    Sending healthy happy thoughts your direction.

  38. Hi, I’m Jen. I came across your blog through a friend’s blog, and have been rooting for you and Acorn ever since. I have two little girls, the second one is my little fighter. I had a bed rest sentence of a mere 5 weeks (nothing compared to you!) due to severe IUGR. I remember the 3 times weekly NSTs, BPP, and cord dopplers, and weekly growth scans. I was a wreck. Every thing was so minute to minute. My hospital bag was packed for each appointment, never knowing if it would be my last. She managed to stay put until 37 weeks, when the doppler started showing she was head sparing (sending extra blood to her brain as a last ditch effort to save it). She was born by c-section weighing 3 lb 14 oz, 17.5 inches long – about the size of a 32 weeker. She finally came home after a month in the NICU. She’s still teeny and has some neurological issues, developmental delays, and a g-tube, but she’s happy, healthy, and our determined little girl.

    I really admire your honesty and strength in this shitty card you’ve been dealt. I took more of a head-in-the-sand, denial, secretive approach. I barely talked about it and hardly mentioned it on my blog. I just couldn’t for some reason. But I wish I had…the support would have made things easier I think. Anyway, I am sending good vibes to you and Acorn from Utah! You clearly have a little fighter on your hands. One day Acorn will read this blog and really understand what an amazingly strong mamma he/she has!

  39. I read every post and try to comment on all of them. You know me and my story, though at this point I can't remember when I first "met" you. It was early on, I think.

    July 21st, 15 days left, will be counting down with you, continuing to hope and pray.

  40. Hi, my name is Kelly and I live in CA. I found your blog through LFCA sometime ago and I have been following ever since. I have one daughter who is 6 and long for another so I love to follow pregnancy blogs. Recently, I fractured my ankle so I have been on modified bedrest for the last month. I was going to post yesterday because I just finished lovenex injections and I had to give them to myself once a day in the stomach. My stomach looks like a black and blue painting. =] Also, I was doing a google search for exercises to do for people on bed rest and while nothing came up for my specific situation but there seemed to be a ton of resources for pregnant women who are on bed rest.

    Just know that someone in CA is praying for you, acorn and Brian.

  41. Hello, My name is Danielle and I live in Kansas. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, sorry I haven't posted. I am never sure what to say.

    I really admire your strength with everything you have been through. I will continue to pray for you, Acorn and Brian. I hope July 21st proves to be one of the happiest days of your life!!

  42. Hi Emily. I've commented for probably about a year now and mentioned little bits about me and my story but I never know how much can be strung together so I'll be more comprehensive now, since you asked. Well, first, I don't have a blog. It scares me to be so open and vulnerable but finding blogs after my son's death helped me immensely. Never have I felt so alone and technology and your (and other's) willingness to be honest was a motivation to keep going and not let my sadness take me down completely.

    Anyway, I don't know exactly when I started reading, probably July/August 2010, but your story spoke to me because my son Liam was born at 23 weeks due to IC/pre-term labor. I've been told that his delivery was "no man's land" where we can never fully pinpoint which, the IC or pre-term labor, caused it. So, now that I'm pregnant again, I'm being treated for both. Well, when your water ruptured with Acorn, I was about 9 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy (yes, 3rd, I also had a 1st trimester miscarriage in Dec) and I was so upset for you but also so upset for myself that I had to stop following. I'm just trying to be wholly honest here. I was and am incredibly superstitious but thankfully after a few weeks I returned and am able to root for you and Acorn on as much I can. I'm 23 weeks now and aside from bedrest, overall I'm doing well. Fingers and toes crossed that my stable situation continues.

    Other than that, I'm 31 and my husband's job has brought us to Mississippi, where we'll only be for another 1.5 years and then we will move on to somewhere else. Having high risk pregnancies and having to find doctors that I trust has been stressful but luckily, with this pregnancy I found professionals who are cautious, preventive and really are trying to help me go full-term. Other random tidbits, I was an English major in college & grad school and prior to my son's early delivery, I taught high school English. I say this because I've noticed that many blogs I follow are written by previous English majors or avid readers.

    I appreciate your honesty and also your experience as a NICU nurse. It's enlightening for someone like me who has been thrust into this high-risk pregnancy world with absolutely no previous knowledge or experience before 2010.

    So, I'm relieved to hear that your section has been scheduled and thank-you for updating so regularly. Hey, I'm on bedrest...it's nice to have little things to look forward to, like good news on your blog!

  43. Can your husband bring some of your stuff from home? I know it won't help a lot, but maybe to have your own cutlery for a little bit would be nice.

    I follow your blog because I too lost an Aidan. He passed away last February. I might be one of the blogs (if you followed) that you unfollowed because I have my rainbow baby now.

  44. Hi, my name is Lydia. I've commented a few times but haven't done so lately. I found your blog shortly after my miscarriage in February '11, when my son, Aidan, died due to pPROM. I was drawn to your story initially because our sons share the same name, then I read through your older posts and found that we had a few things in common and it was sort of comforting to find someone else out there who had gone through something similar to me. I was so excited to find out you had gotten pregnant again - to know that there is hope out there for BLMs - and I have been reading ever since.

    I'm not sure if you realize it but you are so strong to have gotten this far. You are doing such a wonderful job providing a home for Acorn and you are an inspiration to us all that we can overcome the odds. I anxiously await July 21st (July is a good month!) and can only hope for the best for you, Brian and Acorn. You deserve the best! Thank you for sharing your story.

  45. I am Celena, live in Montreal and am a scientist (metabolic diseases/oncology) = geek! I had a loss early in my 20's but went on to have 3 beautiful boys in my 30's.

    I found your blog by accident but had to read because I have a friend who lost a baby named Aiden in 2004. I check up on you almost on a daily basis. I guess that I am a friendly stalker who wishes you and Acorn the best ;)

  46. I stumbled upon another baby loss blog which had a link to yours and since then I check your blog almost every day. My jaw was on the floor when I saw that you are going through this again, and every time I come back I am so happy to see that Acorn is here.

    I'm a SAHM to a 13-month-old girl and I'm 35 weeks pregnant with a boy. I'm one of the incredibly lucky ones who are insanely fertile and have easy pregnancies. I definitely count my blessings.

    I will continue to check here often, especially on July 21st! I wish you and baby Acorn the absolute best!

  47. I am Stacey and found your blog from another baby loss blog last fall. I lost my daughter in September at 30 weeks. She was diagnosed with tripoldy at 16 weeks and we chose to carried her despite the fatal diagnosis. I developed pre eclampsia and had to have an emergency c-section. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I check your blog frequently and am praying for you and Acorn.

  48. i've been here all along, emily, but i think you probably knew that, as i do comment occasionally. i keep following because i want so much for you and acorn to have a happy ending. you are part of what i consider my "core" group of BLM sisters, those i met first, and those who lost their babies around the same time i lost kenny, and/or had due dates close to mine. somehow it means more to me to hear from this particular group about positive pregnancy tests, and any form of good news or positive progress than from other BLM's to whom i feel less connected.

    i know that this rainbow pregnancy hasn't been at all what you had hoped for, but i am so glad you've made it as far as you have, and that you've gotten so much good news lately. i'm excited for you to have your c-section scheduled, and to have something concrete to look forward to!

  49. Hi My name is Vicky from FL. I don't remember how I stumbled on your blog but I have read the whole thing and have been checking daily for a month or so. Your writing is so honest and compelling, and your story so heartbreaking. I hold my breath every time I see a new post because I am so hoping you have a good outcome with your little Acorn.

    Many years ago, I suffered through infertility, IVF, and early miscarriage. We eventually had a beautiful daughter and went on to adopt 4 more amazing children. I so hope you can experience the joys of motherhood, and not just the sorrows.

  50. I just want to add my voice on here as well. I comment occasionally. But I read all your posts to see how you and Acorn are doing. Thank you for sharing what you are going through with all of us, we can't really be there with you physically but please know you are in our thoughts and we are rooting for you, your husband and little one. And despite the struggles and fears, I am glad you're hanging strong. I salute you, warrior mama.

  51. Regular-ish commenter.

    Stillbirth at 38w5d in December for what appears to be no reason. Miscarriage June 2nd of blighted ovum.

    Reading because you're a BLM and I relate. Reading because you need support. Reading because I want Acorn to be happy and healthy and maybe reading and commenting means he/she has massive amounts of love. Because we know life is unpredictable but at least we have love and support.

    Here's to a healthy Acorn and your ability to walk again very soon.

  52. Hi! My name is Jenn and I am a silent reader of your site. I followed a link here from another blog and now I visit almost every day.

  53. I live in Utah and came across your blog right after your water started leaking with Acorn. I have lost 5 babies, only 2 in the 2nd trimester, 3 in the 1st trimester, and have 4 living children.

    You have a talent for writing, and I check almost daily hoping you are one step closer to living your dream. (This is the first time I have commented).

    There are a lot of people cheering for you!

  54. Hi! My name is Chantelle. I found your blog via Julie from Grieve Out Loud (who is my miscarriage penpal)and she had posted something on her blog about you and linked your blog. I a so glad she did. I have been following you since your first hospital stay and been cheering you on since. You can do this, mama! I know you know that. Baby Acorn (and Aiden) know that too!

  55. Greetings from mid America! I say that because I am traveling home from vacation and am about smack dab in the middle of the country as I write this.
    My name is Jean, I found you on a blog roll right before your membranes ruptured. I have to "check on you" multiple times a day, and have been thrilled at how you keep hanging in there. My whole family of 5 has been rooting for you, your husband and Acorn.
    Keep the faith mommy, Acorn wants to be born, such a fighter I've never heard of!
    Be strong!
    Austin, Tx

  56. Hi, another mom from Maine checking in on you.

    I mentioned in a previous comment that I had my first baby this past January at 30 weeks 5 days due to PROM. After the rupture was discovered I had just gotten used to the idea of hospital bed rest only to go into labor 2 days later and have my little guy.

    Thankfully, he was a "grower and feeder" and had a relatively low-key NICU stay (not that 40+ days of NICU time is easy, but we were still thankful). Now he is almost 6 months, happy, healthy and getting into things whenever he can.

    I stumbled across a BLM blog through a breastfeeding forum that I belong to and eventually came across Aidan's story. I found you just before you ruptured with Acorn - it was so hard to believe you would have to go through the same experience again...I checked your blog daily, sometimes dreading that the worst had happened but was always happily surprised that you were still hanging on to Acorn. You really resonate with me, as you remind me of myself and how I might feel in your situation. I love that you are so open here, unafraid of pissing people off by talking about life the way you see it.

    I'm with Brian - it's finally time to be hopeful about Acorn's chances and maybe even to start choosing some baby gear! Though it's totally understandable if you can't bring yourself to it (I'm sure Acorn will forgive you if you are missing this item or that when he/she comes home.

    Wishing you much luck in the boring hospital - hopefully it stays boring till the 21st!

  57. Sorry that I am not a regular commenter...I have been following your story though (I found your blog from someone else's blog.)

    I am Krista and have been trying to conceive a baby for well over 3 years. We were finally successful with our 2nd embryo transfer, and I am 5 weeks pregnant.

    I was drawn in by your story because it is so unique and special. After I read just one of your posts...I knew I'd have to keep reading. Your story is unique yet also inspirational. I've been silently rooting along beside you and Acorn for a few months now.

    My first ultrasound (7 weeks,) will be on June 21st. I have a feeling it's going to be a really really good day.....

  58. Hi there! I believe I found your blog via angela rodman and was interested as I had a stillborn son 18 yrs ago. I think your water broke just after I started reading. I have continued to follow your story with growning admiration for what you are doing for Acorn. I hope you know how rare it is for you to have kept him in so long. It's like you are participating in the Olympics of motherhood and you are walking up to the podium for the award ceremony. I just know a 'gold medal' is in your future. I'll keep rooting for you as you reach the finish line, and praying for your sanity. You are almost there- we can all feel it.

  59. Hi Emily! It's Lara (Caleb's mom). I think we know each other pretty well via our blogs. Chris asks for updates on that "miracle girl" every few days. :)

  60. Hello Emily, I'm Catherine over in the UK and I've been reading here for quite a while now. I can't quite remember how I found you at first, possibly via Glow in the Woods?

    I lost one of my twin girls at 23 weeks too. I love your writing style and your way of expressing yourself. It is very interesting to read about this experience from someone who has the inside track as a health professional.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your little Aidan and that you find yourself running this marathon of a subsequent pregnancy. You are an amazing mother to both your children and I'm hoping so very much that Acorn will arrive alive and well. xo

  61. Hi... I'm Melissa from Iowa. I'm a 3rd grade teacher who has tremendous respect for nurses! My husband is an ICU nurse and I'm in awe of how he does his job every day. You definitely work in a profession that deserves much more respect and gratitude than you probably get on a daily basis!

    I think I started following your blog early last fall/late last summer but I don't think I've ever commented. I started blogging as a personal outlet about a year ago when my husband and I were having troubles getting pregnant and before long found it very helpful to read others' journeys. I stopped blogging shortly after I found out I was pregnant last winter but continue to follow you and check in on you and Acorn almost daily. I'm now 37 weeks pregnant and remember how happy I was for you when you announced that you were expecting again. I have been thinking about you and rooting for you silently from here! I often update my husband on you and Acorn and even he has mentioned that you must be an extremely strong woman. You're so close and you've worked so hard for this baby... There's no doubt that you are, now and forever will be, an amazing mother. This baby is truly blessed to have you waiting for his/her arrival!

  62. I am not sure when we "met" but I know that it was relatively early on in both of our journeys. I am a daily reader of your blog and comment only occasionally..but I am always cheering you on. I am inspired by your story and am amazed by how well you dealing with all that has been thrown your way. You are a special lady and a great mama to Aidan and Acorn!

  63. Hi Emily, Glad so many came out the woodwork to say hello.
    Hope this cheered you up to know we all are rooting for you.

  64. I stumbled upon your blog after I lost my baby boy at 22 weeks in March due to pPROM. I went back to your beginning with Aidan and read all the way through, and now check back every couple of days to see how you are doing. I have been mentally cheering you and Acorn on for many weeks now and truly hope that you get your happy ending. I can't believe you have made it this far already and you will meet him/her so soon. I hope that you can build up a tiny bit of excitement now that you're so close, and I look forward to hearing your happy news!!

  65. I'm Natasha and I live in Toronto. I am currently pregnant with my first and had tried for sometime before finally getting pregnant. I have never felt a loss like yours but I can tell you that I am terrified on a daily basis that this could be possible. Your story gives me courage and strength and I wait and pray that little acorn comes to this world safety!

  66. I'm a friend of Annette's (valentinainthesky.blogspot.com) and was one of her due date buddies with V. (My son & her girl were betrothed, it was an in utero arranged marriage via the internets!) I've been reading your blog ever since. From the moment you got pregnant with your rainbow baby, to the disheartening turn of events. I'm ecstatic you've reached nearly 32 weeks, but my heart breaks for all your hospital visits. PS I'm also from Canada. So I'm elated to hear about the medical system through a Canadian nurse's perspective. Have everything crossed that Acorn will be born absolutely perfect!!!

  67. I stumbled upon your blog from Angela (Charlotte's Mom's) blog. I found it during a very dark time after I had just lost several family members, including a baby cousin who had been fighting for 6 months in the NICU. I've been finding comfort every day in coming to your blog. In some crazy way, I feel like the world needs to balance out, that with the loss of those close to me, another life will come into the world. I've been watching, praying, and waiting for your little one to make their arrival. Also, I am in nursing school and hope to one day become a NICU nurse as well, having had a nephew and the aforementioned cousin in the NICU.

  68. Hey mamma... just following along since earlier this year. Thinking of you and Acorn!
    XO-Leslie (Cullen's blessings)

  69. Hi Emily
    Im a Mum of three from South Australia. Ive been reading your blog for quite a while but havent commented before this. I think of you and Acorn daily and check up every night to make sure you are both doing ok.
    Keep strong, not long to go now.
    You are an amazing Mummy!
    Sending you much love and strength.
    Eleanoah xx

  70. I am from around the corner. I comment often and hope and pray for you all every day.

    I don't know how I found your blog, but I am glad I did.

    Always cheering you on :)

  71. Hi I'm Jackie, I don't remember where I found your blog but have been reading since before you were pregnant with Acorn, and have followed your pregnancy avidly. I can get quite anxious if you don't blog for a day or so in case something bad has happened!! I even cried when your waters broke and you had to go to bed rest, things looked so uncertain. I'm so glad that you have got as far as you have with your pregnancy and I have got everything crossed for a successful birth. I check your blog daily and think of you often.

    I have not experienced baby loss myself and I don't know anyone who has. So why am I here? I don't know. I think though that I do feel a kind of grief, I never met my 'knight in shining armour' and so have never had the opportunity to have children, and am now approaching the age where it's unlikely that I ever will. I know that nothing I feel can ever be close to the pain of carrying a child who then dies, but I do grieve for the children I will never have, and for 'what could have been' under different circumstances. I am trying to let go of my hopes and dream because holding on to them is too painful. It's time to start mapping out a different future but that's hard when I so badly want something I can't have. Everybody finds a man, settles down and has children, right? That's normal, right? So how come I can't have what everybody else has got? Why can't I have what's normal? Why do I have to settle for a 'second best' life?

    Anyway, that's enough of that, I'm sure you've got far more important stuff to think about. But I hope you understand that when I wish you well and hope with all my heart for a happy outcome for you, that I really do mean it because I know how hard it is when you can't have what you want most in the world.

    Fingers crossed for your happy ending!

  72. I am Kimberly from Texas. I follow your blog because I have been through loss. My baby was born and died at 21 weeks. We adopted a baby back in September. (He has brought so much joy!)One day we may try again to conceive, we have not decided...
    Your story brings such hope. I can't wait until the day little Acorn is born. I know your hard work will pay off in wonderful ways!
    God Bless!

  73. Hi, I'm Jenell. I've been following your blog for about two months now and found it through another baby loss mom's blog. I have three daughters in heaven. With my twins, I was in the hospital leaking fluid for about two weeks but they were delivered too soon at 22 1/2 weeks, so it's really awesome to see that you have made it this far. I am rooting for you...you are SO close to bringing your baby home. I am anxiously following your blog and am praying for you. :)

  74. I'm in Canada and am a homeschooling mom. I don't know where I first found your blog. I have had several high-risk pregnancies and deliveries, a son with cancer, and many other medical issues, traumas, bad luck and misfortune in our lives. I feel I can identify with you as we are always that rare bad-luck case as well.

  75. Hi. Im Jesika from Virginia. I have been following your blog for over a year now and though I dont think ive commented often (if any) I check your pg almost daily. I feel connected to you in a sense because we also lost our son Rylee in April of 2010. Though our situations are drastically different I feel like I somewhat understand the hurt you have. Im so excited for you and Acorn and I pray for you often. Since my loss in April I have gotten pregnant and gave birth to our daughter Kaylee on March 14th, 2011. And even though our pregnancy this time was uneventful until labor I was so worried all the time. So I keep you in my thoughts and prayers a lot because I know its worse than my experience. Im so very excited that you will be able to meet your bundle of joy soon and I hope things go wonderful for you. <3

  76. I started reading your blog because I am a fellow blm. My son Liam died after having fetal surgery on Jan.3rd. I know you've posted on my blog but not sure if you read my story or not.

    I have found your story inspiring. I try to comment as often as possible even though I don't really have any advice for you, but mainly just want you to know that I am always thinking of you and Acorn.

  77. Hi There I am Sarah and new to your blog. I am part of a facebook group for ladies that have lost a baby after prom and the ladies have been hoping and praying for you so I have also joined in on your story. I am up to this point obviously in your story but of course I have seen the end result and for that I say congrats. I lost my son Freddy at 27 weeks 1st March this year after prom at 25+4 weeks. I got an infection unfortunately and didn't get to meet him. Saddest day of my life and yet I wouldn't say I never would have wanted it to happen because then I would have never had him at all.

  78. Hi! My name is Gail and I came from Mel's Weekly Blog Roundup at Stirrup Queens. I have been married for 11 years and was diagnosed with unexplained infertility over a year ago. We have no children, although we do have a 10 year old black lab.
    I hope the next week goes well and that the baby and you are both healthy.