HappySadStressedExcitedAnxiousFearful

Day 4...maybe? What the hell day is it now?

As you can see by the title of my post things are just a *wee* bit hectic right now, both in my life and in my mind. I was discharged from the hospital today and given a clean bill of health by all concerned. After that it took us like 5-6 hours for me to pump, visit Kaia, pump again, pack up almost 3 weeks worth of shit in my room, go buy a pump for home use, get my meds (Tylenol 3s) and finally drive home. The cleaning ladies at the hospital were anxiously standing by my door as we rolled out, ready to turn the room over for the next patient. I felt like yelling "I'm GOING, I'm GOING!!" I can understand now why new parents say there are never enough hours in the day. And having to do all that after 15 weeks of bed rest and major surgery is, how shall we say...difficult, and MASSIVELY exhausting. (I did walk out of the hospital though...go me!)

As for Kaia, she is chillin' in the NICU and doing well by all accounts (including mine). She was extubated last night and has been on Biphasic (look it up) since then. She is definitely progressing in the right direction and we are SO pleased...and anxious, and scared, and happy and excited and nervous. It's like we're in a bit of shock and can't quite stop holding our breathe and waiting for bad news. I knew she would be in the NICU after birth and I knew it would be hard to leave her there, but DAMN did I ever want to just grab her and run today. I felt like saying "just give me all the machinery...I watch her at home!!!" I almost didn't want to get discharged today just because it was so nice to just be down the hall from her (and you KNOW how much I hate the hospital). Now I'm a 25min-1hr (depending on traffic!!) car ride away...and that feels like way too much.

I told Brian in the car today on the way home, that I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't experience a bit of post traumatic stress disorder after all we've been through. Flashbacks, nightmares and physically feeling not our best I think we've both already experienced. I didn't know it would happen, but it's almost hard being home now. The last time I was here things were really awful. Some of the things I was in the middle of doing, reading or would see every day during that time are making me a bit stressed out. Some of the 'get well' gifts I was given, books I was reading, even packaging from the things I was sent from my bloggy friends is still lying around (no Brian didn't do much 'organizing' while I was away, and I don't blame him...it wasn't important). Just seeing those reminders are freaking me out. Why? Because I associate it with when I thought she would die...and that really upsets me right now. I know I will come to cherish those things again in time (Oh, look, remember this? Aww how sweet and thoughtful so and so was...) But I so just want to let go of the past right now and move forward and doing that is difficult with all the constant reminders.

Even the reminders of pumping and seeing Aidan's things is hard. Not because those are bad or awful in and of themselves (actually I love Aidan's things), but because they remind me of coming home after Aidan died. My milk came in and there was no baby to give it to. And his urn is here...and I had been envisioning a new one beside it for months now. I just want to LET GO of all that now and concentrate on my LIVING child...who will keep on LIVING and THRIVING and DOING WELL and COME HOME in the next couple of weeks (months?) I will eventually create a space in my heart and my home for both my kids...but right now all I am reminded of around here is sadness. I feel I've been living in sick or dead baby land so long I forgot what it was like to be happy.

So fellow bloggers and readers, I may not be 'around' quite as much for a multitude of reasons (number one might be pumping...shit, did you know it takes BOTH hands to perform that feat? How am I suppose to type? Not to mention how body/time/energy monopolizing it is? Sheesh. But it's paying off, I'm pumping about 50 mls per session now. The nurses were impressed).

Before Kaia was born all I wanted to read was sad blogs because I could relate to those. Now, all I want to do, maybe what I even need to do, is immerse myself in the happy. Just like I had to 'move forward' after Aidan's death, I have to 'move forward' after Kaia's birth. I will not be totally gone, of course. I will update on my thoughts as things progress, but I don't know that it will be daily or weekly at this point. Never fear though, I already have a few bloggy post ideas, so I'm sure I'll get to those...but right now, I think I must try to cling to the good.

Kaia deserves a happy mommy.

(Plus my incision kills when I cry).

So, I wanna hear it. What's happy in your life? What makes today wonderful?

Oh yeah...and a picture just because I promised. (Here she is being 'done up' (ie: handled, fed, changed, examined) so she is off any breathing apparatus, so you can see her lovely face...but usually it's all covered up by hoses and a hat).