Red for Canada Day

30 weeks + 6 days, 14 weeks + 1 day post rupture, day 8 in hospital (again).

Well, we made it to July. A freakin' miracle according to Dr. S.

But it looks like I'm staying here until delivery. Whenever that is. Now Dr. S. is saying we should maybe try to push to 34 weeks to avoid as many preemie problems as possible. And while that is awesome for Acorn (assuming he has working lungs of course), it makes me nervous (infection! cord compression! prolapsed cord!) and prolongs the agony of "will we or won't we be taking this kid home (in a car seat, not an urn)?". If I knew that it would all be worth it in the end, then what's 2 more weeks of bed rest when you've already done 15 at that point. It makes me nervous waiting when a 32 weeker has almost the same survival stats at a 34 weeker and a 34 weeker only has about a 5% lower chance of long term complications. But an infection or cord compression or prolapse can kill outright. It's very nerve racking.

It is also Canada Day here in my fair country. I loved this holiday as a kid. There were fireworks, flags waving and it was a great 'kick off' to the summer holidays.

Today, here in my hospital room however, it is much different. Today, I started bleeding bright red for the first time since my water broke. A 'common occurrence' for pPROM moms I'm told (and definitely experienced with Aidan last pregnancy), but something I had, so far, avoided this time, which I was incredibly grateful for. Now it hasn't been a huge amount of blood, so I'm hoping it stops (and hey, maybe even creates a nice temporary seal in my membrane?? You know, like closing the door on the way out?), but it was a huge let down and makes me even more anxious. I'm just so TIRED of my body. I don't even want to live in it anymore. It's always sore, achy, weakened and leaking fluid at unpredictable and inconvenient times. And if we have to add 'gushing blood' to that list I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm barely getting by as it is.

I SOOOOOOO envy regular pregnant women right now. Honestly, if I could just get up and walk down the hall without worrying my body's going to self destruct on me, it would be heaven. If I could just roll over in bed without feeling a slow 'drip, drip, drip', I could relax and maybe sleep for more than a few hours at a time. If I didn't have to worry about having everything I own at arms reach because once I'm alone, getting anything for myself becomes a 'risk' which I feel I have to weigh every time (how much do I actually NEED that sock that fell on the floor?) Actual 'pregnancy' symptoms that I've had are the LEAST of my concerns.

So I guess you could describe me as 'pissed off' today. It's a holiday. I would love to go outside (I haven't been outside since I arrived last Friday...and I've only left my room twice for ultrasounds in that entire time). But now I'm afraid due to this 'new' symptom of bleeding. Does it mean something is about to happen? Or is it just another hurdle I will have to deal with?

Maybe it's just my body's way of 'celebrating' the holiday. Red for Canada Day!