Blip

Day 16

Yesterday we had Kaia out of her isolette and I was even trying to do some non-nutritive sucking with her (where you pump off as much milk as you can and then have the baby try to 'practice' feeding, so they don't get a big gush of milk). Anyway, Brian and I had her out of her isolette for about 2 hours and at first she was doing really well...but near the two hour mark she started to have a few more desats than usual. We decided she'd had enough and put her back in her isolette and shortly after went home. We called an hour or so later and the nurse said she was breathing kind of fast, but otherwise seemed fine.

Overnight however, she started to have a few more desats into the 80s, and her respiratory rate remained high. When I called around 3am, the nurse said she had started her on low flow (oxygen via nasal prongs) at 75cc. By 6am they decided to draw blood cultures, just in case. Over the day, her respiratory rate has remained higher than even her usual fast respiratory rate (her usual was 60s-70s and today it's been more like 80s to 90s). They did a chest x-ray and blood work and nothing has come back showing anything out of the ordinary. She seemed a little better tonight when we were there. Calm, but reactive. They aren't going to start her on antibiotics unless she shows any other signs of being sick.

I, however, LOST it. I've been crying, or on the verge of tears almost all day. Nurse me realizes that she's really actually doing okay, and while this might be a bit of a setback, she's still small and it's to be expected with all she's been through. I mean, just over two weeks ago she was intubated and on nitric oxide for goodness sake. She's done really well and we just have to be patient and wait for her to get bigger and stronger. The hospital she's in is doing all the right things and she's safe and not in any real distress.

Mom me however, is scared and worried and upset. I'm so afraid of being away from her and yet when I'm there beside her isolette I'm watching her like a hawk and just waiting for the alarms to ring off. I'm exhausted from crying and pumping and crying some more. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to be safe.

It didn't help that today was the day Brian was supposed to go back to work. At 6am after we heard about the blood cultures we decided that he would stay home even though he's out of paid time off. I'm glad he did though, because I wouldn't have been able to cope today without him. He does need to go back soon though.

I just want my girlie to be okay. These last two weeks of planning for a baby to come home have been wonderful. I have so enjoyed my break from constant stress and worry.

I need my Kaia to be okay. If you have any positive energy vibes left in you to spare, please send them this way. Hopefully things are brighter in the morning.