I wish we were always on vacation. Of course if that were the case it wouldn't be called vacation...it would just be considered 'what we do'. Anyways...
We had a good time and the weather really cooperated. Always important when you are at a place with no cable and minimal shopping opportunities. Everyone here at home in our fair city probably thought the weather was "way too hot"...but it's great when you are living close to nature, doing nothing but planning out your next meal, and can go swimming in the lake any damn time you feel like it. I personally like the hot weather so I wasn't complaining.
We had some good times too. I took lots of new "Aidan's name" photos...see sidebar. I also went to see Eclipse (YEAH!!!), listened to music, swam almost daily, had a fire and roasted marshmallows, watched many movies (some good, some not so good), read a bunch, did crosswords, went for a walk, watched 10 sunsets, ate WAY too much junk food and perfected the amount of rum I had to pour in a certain glass that mixed with exactly one can of diet coke would ensure that if I drank it in a short amount of time I would end up pleasantly tipsy for at least a good half hour.
All in all a successful vacation.
My husband and I did however have a *teensy tiny* fight...that lasted almost two days.
What was it about? What would we let mar our otherwise awesome cottage vacation?
It was of course about getting pregnant...again.
I'll explain my husband's side first. He is of the opinion that we should wait the six months that Dr. K "recommended" before getting pregnant again. He feels that if we don't wait then we are risking our future child's health. To him this would mean actively trying NOT to conceive. ie: using condoms. There is no way I'm taking any kind of birth control with my history of prior hormonal issues. I will interject at this point that Dr. K. never actually said why it was important to wait...or what he thought waiting a six month time period would actually do. He never examined me nor asked if we had any concerns about waiting. I have no idea if the 'six months' applies to our situation directly or is just a thing put under the heading "how to answer the question of handling a subsequent pregnancy after loss" in medical textbooks. And unless I can get a hold of his e-mail address it's another 2 hour wait in his waiting room surrounded by pregnant women to ask. So I think not.
But when my husband said he wanted to follow the doctors advice and wait six months, it was like the band aid that I have so carefully applied to my dead baby wound was all of sudden ripped off. It was like hope died. I can't explain it any better. I was so SAD for the two days that we fought about it. I felt despair. It's not even that I have a lot invested in getting pregnant in the next 3 months. I know it may and probably will take longer than that (and I'll include it here but I'm loathe to admit it out loud...but it might not happen again, ever). Really I have a lot of stuff that I should get done in the next three months that might be difficult to do if I was pregnant...you know like finding a job I can tolerate going to after my first baby died. No one likes a new employee more who has to run to the bathroom to puke every half hour. Or I could focus on eating healthier. Possibly losing the (fairly) small amount of weight I gained during pregnancy number one. Maybe even take some time to do some of the art projects that I've been putting off. Or plan a trip. Etc.
I get his reasoning, but I just can't get with my husband's program. It would physically hurt me to even consider it.
My side is this: I completely agree with his logic...but I just can't go back to actively trying NOT to get pregnant. I just can't. There are many reasons behind this. All of which are very complex but in trying to pull them apart for you maybe I'll be able to understand them myself.
Reason 1) If I agreed to actively 'try not to get pregnant' then there would come a time when we were 'starting to try' again. And I would want it to happen IMMEDIATELY, just like I did the last time. And if it didn't happen quickly, then I would start to get nervous and get sucked into that black hole of 'what if it never happens again'. And I'm so tired of worrying. I worried all last year about my on-going spotting, then when I got pregnant I spent almost the whole time worrying about bleeding, fluid issues, and eventually how it was all going to end. I have lived over a year of my life in fear and I just can't face 'looking forward' to sometime after October 2010 to start worrying about it all again. I just want to forget about it and just let nature take over. And if we happen to have an 'oops' baby, that's fine. In fact I would love to just have an 'oops' baby. It would be so liberating at this point. I would love to walk into my doctor's office feeling 'ashamed' that I'm pregnant again so damn soon. Seriously, it seems so stupid now that I worried for almost ten years about having an unplanned pregnancy and now I would give my left eye for one. A healthy one, of course.
Reason 2) which kind of connects to reason one above. If I did happen to get pregnant before the aforementioned six month waiting period and it ended in a miscarriage (or worse) I feel like maybe I wouldn't be so attached. Like I could blow it off with a "well we weren't suppose to get pregnant this quickly anyhow..." I know of course that this likely isn't true...but maybe it would be? I guess I feel that if Dr. K and his six month wait could promise me any baby I conceived AFTER October 21 2010 would end in a perfectly healthy baby, and that any pregnancy BEFORE that would definitely, 100% not work out, then I would most certainly wait. But, no one can promise me that. Because how could I face it if I get pregnant in November 2010 and it ends in a miscarriage (or worse)? I know I would be thinking "what if I had gotten pregnant in August 2010...before we were supposed to, maybe that one would have worked out".
I think about this all the time. What if we hadn't waited until our "Europe vacation" of last spring to try to conceive. Would I have a sleeping baby upstairs right now (or a screaming crying one in my arms who I was begging desperately to go to sleep because damn it it's 11pm!!!)? What if we hadn't waited until the timing was 'perfect'. Would things have gone differently? I just can't be in control anymore. I can't wait until the time is 'perfect' and 'medically sanctioned'. AIDAN was perfect and medically approved...but it didn't do him any good.
Reason 3) I'm tired of waiting for a (living) baby. I feel I gave up a lot in my life already. I don't want to wait anymore. In my early 20s, I wanted to go to medical school. I wanted it BADLY. I was going to be a doctor and no one was standing in my way. But then I found university was hard and I chose courses that looked good on a transcript (my first year consisted of Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Calculus and Psychology, I know I'm a glutton for punishment)...but my grades posted beside them weren't always so lovely, especially in my first year or two. I would likely have to go to graduate school in order to get my grades up to the point where I could reliably apply to a Canadian medical school and hope to get in. So I started thinking about going to the States, or Europe. Some people I know actually did this. They are now finishing medical school. But by that point, I had met Brian. His life was here. My life was here. How could I go away and leave him and it?
Also at this point I started to understand my heart defect more. I started to realize that maybe my future health wasn't as certain as I had thought...in fact...maybe my expiry date was closer than any 20-something year old anticipates. Maybe a lot closer. And what if I waited until I was in my 30s, finally a doctor and ready to start my family....but my heart wasn't up the challenge? What if I put it off too long and my heart started to fail? It just seemed like too big of a risk to take.
At the age of 3 I remember going into our kitchen and announcing to my mom who was doing some mom-like chore that I was going to be "a doctor, a ballerina or a mommy". Her response was "you can be all three if you want to". Ha, ha (thanks for believing in me though mom!) But two decades later I realized a) no way in hell am I skinny enough or talented enough to be a ballerina and b) as much as I wanted to be a doctor AND a mommy, if I had to choose only one...I would choose being a mommy. It was a narrow margin at the time when I had to make the decision not to persue med school...but it was there. I never imagined my life without kids...but I could imagine a life without being a doctor. There, decision made, problem solved.
Until now...when I feel like the one dream I counted on fulfilling might not come true either...or at least not in the way I planned. Aidan will always be dead. Part of my family will always be missing. If I cannot have him back then I feel I
So those are my reasons. And I'm sticking to them. And I think after two days of watching me live without hope, spirits stuck to my
He is scared. I get it. I completely understand it. I'm scared too. I don't want to watch another child die. But no one can guarantee us that waiting 3 1/2 more months will give us a different outcome. And no one can guarantee that it won't. I'm content to just wait and see. I just don't think I can handle having to wait...and then wait and see.
I'll have to make this question a two-parter because I don't want to pry in your business if you don't feel like sharing, and I LOVE getting comments, so I want everyone to be able to participate.
So questions for all: How do you solve problems in your relationship with your partner? Does one of you usually give in?
Question for those who feel like answering: How have you decided to handle "trying again" after your loss? Are you going with 'what the doctor said'? Or do you have other, completely emotional reasons for or against that are more powerful than anything written in a medical text?