Monday, July 12, 2010


While we were on vacation we missed a phone call from a friend of ours who lives in Singapore. He moved to Asia years ago for a job. He ended up meeting a woman who was also from our area of Canada and they got married in October of last year when they were living in Hong Kong.

Anyway...he calls every so often just to shoot the shit and tell us about what going on in his life. He's a nice guy and it's too bad him and his wife don't live closer. We keep hoping they will move back.

However, when my husband told me that M. had left a message on his cell phone AND on our home phone while we were on vacation my immediate thought was oh that's his wife is pregnant. Then two seconds later my husband said out loud "bet his wife is pregnant". Amazing how our thoughts just go to that these days. This friend has never expressed an interest in having kids...and I don't know his wife well enough to say if she is dying to reproduce...but I'm still about 80% sure that when we talk to this friend that is what he's going to tell us.

Which then of course brings up the question of what do we say? He knows about what happened with Aidan...but he probably doesn't get how hard it is for us hear about other people's pregnancies at this point. I wish we could know in advance before actually talking to him if that is what he is calling us to announce. Because at this point it takes practice to have the proper amount of awe and enthusiasm in our voice.
I need to practice saying: "wow, M. that's great...when is she due?"
Instead of: "DAMN IT...seriously? Oh man...this just gets better and better doesn't it?"
I need to work up to: "Are you guys going to have the baby in Singapore?"
Instead of: "Are you guys going to come back here to torture us with your healthy pregnancy and adorable newborn?"
I need to work on the proper pitch for my: "Congratulations!"
Instead of what naturally comes out: *crying*...*sob*...."Wish our son was here to play with your new baby".

There is one way we might be able to find out in advance if this friend and his wife are indeed calling us to announce a pregnancy. M. and my husband were both good friends with a third guy J. We could just call J. and ask if he's heard from M. This would be the easiest thing to do, except that it would mean confessing what we are afraid we are going to hear. Not so hard right? Easier to hear it from the non-pregnant person. Easier to confess to him that it's hard to hear about others' babies at this point...except of course that J. is the proud new daddy to baby Casey.

The conversation would have to go something like this:
Us: So have you heard from M. recently? We were just wondering why he was calling us while we were away on vacation? We are afraid to call him back because it's like a knife in our guts when we hear about other people's pregnancies and babies...oh and congrats on your new little bundle of joy...we'll be over to visit her any day now.

Super. I feel like I'm living in a war zone. Minefields galore. Duck and cover people...

Have you had to deal with other people's pregnancies or babies since you became babylost? How did it go? Were you able to keep your mask intact and your voice modulated...or did the cracks show through?


  1. Ugh, that's a really tuff one! I think in your situation I would just call the local friend & ask if he'd heard from M & see where the conversation goes from there. I haven't had to deal with that yet, but am sure it won't be easy when that happens. Thinking of you, sending love & prayers your way!

  2. oh wow, you are so strong, i found when we lost Bryce i didnt want to be around anyone pregnant at all i didnt want to hear about any one being pregnant, my husband and i returned back to work a month later, and there was a lady there that was 6 weeks ahead of me, i was gutted when i seen her and to make things worse my boss sat me right next to her, my heart just sank, though then i thought i didnt want anyone to go through what i had just been through i was hurt that she was still pregnant though in the same time happy for her as well

  3. I have become a master at fakeness. I can plaster a big smile on my face, gush over how excited I am for the parents-to-be, and even ask all the fun questions like, when are you due? Are you hoping for a boy or girl? etc.

    I can do all of those things while falling completely apart on the inside, and never let on.

    Then I go home, or somewhere private, and have a complete melt-down. And I'm usually a mess for days.

    Don't do what I do - it's torture.

  4. hi Emily.
    i got your message on my blog. i'll work on Aidan's box as soon as i get some new materials delivered. (i'll be in touch for the specifics/your address/etc. soon)

    i read this blog entry, and i just wanted to share how things went for me with my first baby encounter after my loss. my brother was expecting his first baby in April, and Carli died on March 26th.
    i dreaded the birth of my new niece. after the way i was feeling about pregnancies, i was nervous about the feelings toward a newborn. i avoided my brother and his wife during the end of the pregnancy. i was worried. i was upset. i was jealous. i was everything i possibly could have been, except happy. when the new arrival came, i did not go see her in the hospital. no way i could go back there that soon.
    after a week, i did visit at their house. i held the baby, and i snuggled her. it wasn't at all like i thought it would be. and, it was actually very healing.
    my niece helped me see that it was my baby i was missing, and no other baby was going to take her place. she was cute, and snuggly... but she was not mine. mine was better. i didn't want that baby; i wanted mine. i didn't cry, or have any of the feelings i thought i would have.
    everyone is different, so there is no "right" way to feel towards babies and pregnancies. take time, and be gentle with yourself. you may find that things aren't as bad as you think they will be. just be sure to give yourself the time and space you need that feels right for you. healing will happen.

    sorry so long. i hope you find peace and comfort in the coming days.

  5. I had 2 m/c's prior to losing Bailey. About a month after losing my 2 pregnancy (and finding out I would definitely have to have surgery to correct my being put on birth control) baby sister announced to us that she was pregnant (not planned). That was difficult then...I bawled after she left...and it was a very hard 9 months for me.

    Now that we have lost Bailey, I have had 1 friend announce she is pregnant. Her husband is stationed in Japan and they are living there...and me...the super friend that I am? I can't even bring myself to tell her congratulations yet...

    The fresh wounds will still show I think...but depending on how they announce it will depend on if it will feel like they just rubbed some salt in that wound. Do what's best for you in this situation though...that's sometimes all we can do.

  6. If you read my blog from last night, I think you know I covered this. : ) Its so hard. And then today, an old friend and colleague of mine who moved out of state came into the shop and I had to ruin his day telling him V died- he has a 1 yr old son. :| Its hard. Its so hard. I think it might even be one of the hardest things us babylost women have to encounter.

  7. oh, emily, i'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. i haven't yet had to hear anyone's pregnancy announcement, but i feel like i'm holding my breath until it comes from someone sooner or later... and, if it's later rather than sooner, then it will be birth announcements from my four friends who are pregnant, and due within three months after i was due.

    the hardest of this type of situation i've had to deal with lately was on the trip i just took w/ my mom. we saw my cousin who is back with his high school sweetheart, and on-again-off-again girlfriend of the last 14 years or so. she now has a 2-1/2 yr old son from her last boyfriend. he is a beautiful little boy and so friendly, unlike so many kids his age who would be shy and stick to mommy's side. if only he'd been that way, for my own sake...

    we were at an open house the night before my cousin's wedding (younger brother of the one who's dating the mother of the kid), and this little boy walks up to me while i was sitting in a chair, staring at me and smiling and waiting for me to talk to him, play with him, smile at him, whatever... and all i could do was turn my head and look in the other direction and pretend i didn't notice him. i mean, his hand was on my leg. anyone watching would have known that i knew he was there. it was all i could do not to physically remove his hand from my leg, or start crying, or even tell him to go away.

    i could not stand to even be in the same room with him or or his mother. the way my mind is working lately is all about fairness and who "deserves" a baby. i feel like such a horrible person every time i admit this, but i look at someone like this boy's mother and think she didn't MEAN to be pregnant, she didn't have any trouble getting pregnant, she didn't have to spend a few thousand dollars to get pregnant, she's younger than i am, she has to live in her parents' house because she can't support her child. don't i deserve to be a parent more than she does?

    and EVERY time i go through this thought process i feel like such a pathetic, mean-spirited selfish person. the last night we were there, we all went out to dinner, and i asked my mother before we went into the restaurant to run interference for me if it looked like i was going to have to sit anywhere near them. luckily, i was able to sit at the opposite end of the table from them. this meant they were right in my line of sight if i looked straight ahead, but i was sandwiched between my two favorite aunts, and stayed busy chatting with them.

    i hope you find a way to get through your phone call with your friend, if you haven’t spoken to him already.

  8. I know what you mean! So to answer your questions at the end... When Avery died, I had already known at least 10 other women who were also pregnant, including TWO of my cousins (one who was just three weeks ahead of me, to make it worse). Then after Avery died, about three or so more women I knew popped up pregnant. I had to hide everyone who was pregnant on Facebook. I just couldn't watch.
    You are so right when you say it's so hard to say the right thing and mask your pain. And people really don't seem to get how hard it is to watch everyone else have healthy babies. :/