Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Pain points

It's been a rough couple of days my peeps.

I shall sum up:

1) Went for job interview as can no longer bear to return to old job as it is full of premature infants who look ever so much like my son...except they are breathing. Difficulty level out of 10: 7. Scores points for making me have to appear *chipper!* and *enthusiastic!* about a job I would not be applying for except for my dead baby. Loses points for stirring just a *teeny tiny* flicker of interest in my cold dark soul.

2) Went to family doctor's appointment where said doctor performed the dreaded 'internal'. Also punch in the gut having to rehash how awful (wonderful?) it was that Aidan was completely normal. Difficulty level out of 10: 6.5. Points awarded for walking into my first conversation with someone who did not know said pregnancy did not end happily. Have not yet figured out correct response to "Congratulations!" Points lost when receptionist melted my heart when she cried about my dead baby.

1) Follow up appointment with Congenital Cardiac Clinic, where I received annual ECHO, ECG, blood work, multiple requests to participate in research projects and meetings with doctors and fellows. Place I dread going...even without having to drag my (figurative) dead baby along with me.
Verdict: Heart functioning as per pre-pregnancy levels. Always abnormal, but not any more abnormal than normal.
Number of medical personnel that I had to discuss Aidan and failed pregnancy with and receive awkward condolences from: 5.
Difficulty level: 9. Points awarded for talking about the two biggest tragedies of my life in the same instance (my heart and my son) and for having to hear the cardiac patient down the hall who has a 1 1/2 year old daughter talk about how wonderful her pregnancy was and how great her daughter turned out. Bonus points awarded for having to listen with a straight face to elderly female cardiologist tell me that she thinks I should 'look towards the future' and 'remain optimistic'. Right. Thanks. See: Sunshine post. Points lost for nice researcher who took down my entire family tree for study, including my son and asked "what was his name?".

I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of trying not to cry in front of these people. I'm just tired. My heart hurts...and not in a way that can be measured in a blood test or on a scan.

Going to see Eclipse again tomorrow night. Also going to Black Eyed Peas concert on Sunday. Putting these two days behind me.

What is the greatest tragedy of your life (other than the obvious)?


  1. Hmmmm... other than the obvious? That's tough.

    Ok, I've been sitting here for 10 minutes, and I can't think of anything to write.

    Obviously, I've been sad and depressed about things that have happened to me, or my family - besides the obvious. But I honestly can't think of an example that doesn't seem frivolous now. It all pales in comparison.

    Sorry, not a good answer. But it is what it is.

  2. Well, since you asked...

    My first ever tragedy. Dead baby brother. Backyard pool age 2.5 years. I was almost 10.

    Latest tragedy. Dead baby came out of my vagina 3 days before he was "due" and lodged behind my heart. Kicked baby brother to the curb.

    Many in between; from dead hamsters and kittens and ex-boyfriends, to early miscarriages and an assortment of lost loves.

    Not as bad as so many, but worse than some.

    Luckily I have therapy... And wine...

  3. Well beside my son nothing really comes close....

    the only thing that kind of makes me sad that has nothing to do with my son is that i was bashed and taken advantage of for 2 1/2 years.... to scared to leave unitl i met my husband that i have now,

  4. i have to say until now i lived a rather sheltered life. the only people close to me who have died are my grandparents, and while i miss them, and losing them was hard, i think that's a normal part of life. you expect to lose your grandparents, especially when you are college-age or older. but you do NOT expect to lose your only child - or give birth to him knowing he is dead.

    i have never lost a close friend or a parent or sibling. nothing comes even close to comparing to losing kenny, and i can't imagine that anything ever will.

    i was thinking recently about whether or not i should consider it a "good" thing that i've already experienced the worst thing ever now, so that i've got it behind me. every part of this journey just sucks.

  5. I am often not very good at commenting on other people's posts. Feel like I am some stranger intruding or something.

    But I wanted to say that I can't imagine how difficult it would be to go back and work in a NICU. You are in my thoughts and I hope that you can get the position you interviewed for.

  6. I've been reading awhile, but never commenting.
    I'm sorry for your loss of little Aidan. And for all the 'secondary losses'. (i.e your job). I still haven't gone back to work and today is 5 months. I've done some freelance from home, but I just don't want to face everyone I worked with. I've also contemplated changing jobs.
    Wishing you peace with your job decision, and thinking of you and Aidan.

  7. The first time I read your blog I wondered if if was your hospital that Nevan went to. I didn't go there myself, (still in recovery), but Chris went with her, and said everyone there was amazing. When we found out they couldn't save her, they brought her back to us at St. Mike's. After she died, I discovered the nurses from your hospital had sent a beautiful memory box filled with her hand and footprints, hair, and crib card. there was also a huge 'bereavement folder' with lots of info. I was very touched, and am so thankful I have those mementos today.
    As for the doc who said the horrible comment to me, it was Dr. T. at St. Mike's. I do have to say, Dr. B who did my c-section, and Nevan's ped. Dr. C (who works at your hospital too) were both very compassionate and amazing. If you want specific names or more info, email me!
    I just didn't know if I should drop names on the www. sorry for hijacking your comment box!

  8. I can't think of anything bad that has happened to me that even comes close to losing Jacob.

    Like everyone I have had my share of bad things, and then some, but nothing like this.

  9. Like Julie above, I've lead a rather sheltered life and there is nothing in that would hold a candle to my daughter's death.

    I really hope you get the position you interviewed for Emily. I'm sorry about all the doctors you've had to encounter, it is very hard when you have to keep recounting the story over and over again. x