What I would like to say

A few weeks ago I had lunch with a nurse who is the 'bereavement coordinator' for the NICU. (Yes, she deals with baby death. All. The. Time. and yes, she's very good at it, if one can actually be good at something like that). She was a woman who I had thought of contacting in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy when we knew things were likely 'not going to be okay'. I knew she would be supportive. That she would understand. As it happened, I never actually got in touch with her until after Aidan died. She asked after I e-mailed her to tell her what happened, "why didn't you contact me prior to losing Aidan?" She didn't ask it in a critical way, just wondering. My response was that "You deal with death, and I wasn't ready to give up hope on him yet. I was his mommy. I had to have hope for him". She understood.

In the weeks since, she has been very nice. Very supportive. She was even a reference for me for my new job. We had lunch together a few weeks ago, and I was detailing what happened during my pregnancy and what happened during my delivery and what we thought happened to Aidan. As I was describing it to her, she said that as a nurse, and as a cardiac patient, I would have a very interesting take on the medical care that I received during that time. That if I ever wanted to write out 'my story', she would help me look for a nursing journal to publish it, if I wanted to go that route.

I have considered it since. I think one day I will do it. I have even started. Maybe some day I'll finish it. I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I have never actually gotten around to writing on here, my blog, the last part of the 'how it all went down'. I'm not sure I can yet. But I will. One day.

I would also like to write a post or postings on here about what it was like to grow up with a heart defect. I've written that I indeed do have a fairly rare heart malformation. I haven't mentioned what kind I have, because really, it's just medical lingo and unless you have an interest in cardiology it would mean nothing to you. But, no matter what my condition is called, it has affected my whole life. It colours my personality, my inner thoughts and my outlook on life. I would like to organize my thoughts around my heart someday.

But those are future posts.

Today I was in the shower and I was thinking about books I like. I like books. Wait scratch that. I love books. Books are my friends. You know that taunt when you're little "if you like them so much, why don't you marry them?" I'm the kind of person who just might. I have often considered what it would be like to live in a bookstore or a library. All I would need is a cot. I could just curl up in a corner somewhere. Living off the written word around me.

I was thinking about a book that I once read, probably two years or so ago. I wanted to put it down here as suggested reading. It's not particularly about being babylost, but it is about motherhood, reproduction and reproductive issues. It's a collection of short true stories. The book is, CHOICE: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood, and Abortion. Edited by Karen E. Bender and Nina de Gramont.

Read it if you want to. Or don't. But I might just have to find it again at the library or at the bookstore.

Sorry for the rambling post. I'm kind of sad tonight so you'll have to excuse me. So, my question is do you like to read? Do you have any book recommendations for me? I'll pretty much read whatever, as long as it's in English. And I'll try very hard if it's not.