My job. I've began to sort of hate it in the last year. Admitting that makes me sad. I used to love my job. But, as we started trying to conceive I began to experience major panic attacks. I was so afraid of getting pregnant with my bad heart and yet I was even more afraid that I would never have a child. Add this to the fact that going to work was not an escape, but basically facing my worst fears every day. The babies that end up in our NICU often have parents with no underlying issues. Healthy parents, no problems, with babies ending up on life support. So if those kids could end up sick, then what did that mean for MY baby? I was really starting to question whether this was the job for me...starting to question my own sanity if truth be told. And then BAM! I was pregnant...and I was doing okay. I was just biding my time until I could go on maternity leave. I even considered having my OB write me a note so that I would have to be switched to a less intensive job, or perhaps even kept off work so that my heart wouldn't have to work so hard. I was feeling okay. I could do this. I figured if I could make it to 25 or 30 weeks still at work that would be awesome.
But then, suddenly, I was off work for reasons totally unrelated to my heart, and my baby's life was in jeopardy, and then...well, you know how the story ends.
So now, just facing the possibility of having to throw myself back into that situation...it's unbearable. How can I go back and do it all over again, this time with the added bonus of a dead baby in my history?
A work friend of mine was telling me last week that she had just admitted a 24 weeker, and he was 'doing better than expected'. Just out of curiosity I asked her how heavy he was. Answer: 535 grams (1lbs 2 1/2 oz for all you Americans). My heart thunked. Aidan was heavier. My DEAD baby was heavier than that woman's LIVE ONE! How can I go back and care for those kids? How can I rush around and try to save their lives when I couldn't even save my own son's? And how can I do it, not knowing when or if I will ever have a shot at another?
I want to be a mom so badly. I want to be on maternity leave with a living child. I want our lives to be different. Revolve around something other than ourselves. Focus on something other than this gaping black hole of nothingness. Our future feels so empty.
It also doesn't help that I started my period again today. I'm sure the flux of hormones isn't helping anything. And, although we weren't technically TTC, we aren't avoiding it either. It took us 8 months and 9 cycles to conceive Aidan, and I was getting antsy at that point. It just feels like a huge blow to have to do it all over again. What if we are now infertile? What if I get pregnant and we miscarry, or have another loss? What if I never get to hold my own living breathing child in my arms? What if I can't take it? I feel like I'm back to square one. So just like my first post asks:
Where do I go from here?
Where do you go from here?