Since Aidan died I have had a feeling, quite strong at times, as if I am 'waiting' for something to happen. In my head I know why. My baby is dead, and the 'waiting' I'm feeling is my mind trying to wrap itself around the fact that I am no longer pregnant. No longer expecting. Aidan is in the past, not the future. The feeling has lessened somewhat as the weeks have progressed, but not entirely gone away. I still obsessively check my e-mail and snail mail. For what I'm not sure. It's not as if I'm expecting Aidan to show up in my inbox. I still have a vague feeling of 'missing something' (I am, my baby). I still run across old thoughts in my mind, like seeing a reminder for the Harry Potter movie in theatres in November and thinking "we'll need a babysitter so I can go see it...wait...no we won't".
In reality I KNOW my baby is dead. I'm not in denial...but sometimes I feel like my brain hasn't quite gotten around to sending a memo to all departments in order to update them on the situation. And each time a thought or a feeling comes up that was the old 'expecting' me...it hurts all over again. This suprises me sometimes because in reality, we knew things were not looking good for our boy since week 17. I wonder shouldn't I 'get it' by now? Shouldn't it have sunk in?
Brian said to me yesterday "tomorrow will be 50 days". My head said "oh my GOD...that's like FOREVER!". Somehow 7 weeks + 1 day seems like less time than 50 days. Like if I was 7 weeks + 1 day pregnant that would be middle first trimester...long way to go...but that amount of time without Aidan seems like an eternity.
Sometimes it's as if I think Aidan's in a penalty box somewhere and instead of 2 minutes for roughing, he (and we) got 50 days for some infraction I have yet to be told about. Like he'll pop out one of these days and say "Hey mom! They let me out! Stupid ref says I'm finished with my penalty and we can get on with the rest of the game!".
*Sigh*
It was a bad day today, and I feel like I struggled more. Missed him MORE, if that's possible.
So for my followers (all 10 of you!):
Do you struggle with the permanency of death? Do you find yourself thinking thoughts that were the 'old' you who was 'expecting'? How do you cope with these thoughts and feelings? What is your biggest struggle right now?
like i said in my previous comment, i find it hardest at this stage to believe i was pregnant at all. i talk about it sometimes, and i feel like i'm making up stories. and then i feel like i'm betraying my poor baby.
ReplyDeletebut i still find myself joking with my husband about 'when' i'm pregnant again. and it takes my breath away.
This is a great post. Love the image of your sweet little boy popping out and letting you know this was all a bad dream or something.
ReplyDeleteI have to remind myself everyday that this really happened, that Stevie is gone and is never coming back. I wake up in the morning, have this revelation, spend the rest of the day letting it sink in until I feel more "okay" with it by the end of the night. Then I wake up and then same pattern happens again, if that makes ANY sense.
Like B said, I can't believe I was ever really pregnant sometimes. It's so bizzare to be pregnant for over 6 months and now just have absolutely nothing to show for it.
I too can relate to feeling like pregnancy never happened. Nine months of my life preparing for our New Lives, only to have the new life vanish and the Old Life come back in full force, only I have a crushing pain inside me now. And I still think she's alive sometimes too- "oh we cant do that, we have a baby... wait... no..." :\
ReplyDeletei felt this way for about the first month - i just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that not only was i not pregnant, and kenny was gone, but all our plans were null and void. one day in about the 5th or 6th week it occurred to me that i didn't feel that weird disconnect from that fact anymore, that it must have finally sunk in - and that made me feel extremely sad.
ReplyDeleteand yes, the whole roller coaster thing is maddening. missing him more one day when the previous day was pretty good, always feeling guilty about having good days, and so forth. sigh...