Since Aidan died I have had a feeling, quite strong at times, as if I am 'waiting' for something to happen. In my head I know why. My baby is dead, and the 'waiting' I'm feeling is my mind trying to wrap itself around the fact that I am no longer pregnant. No longer expecting. Aidan is in the past, not the future. The feeling has lessened somewhat as the weeks have progressed, but not entirely gone away. I still obsessively check my e-mail and snail mail. For what I'm not sure. It's not as if I'm expecting Aidan to show up in my inbox. I still have a vague feeling of 'missing something' (I am, my baby). I still run across old thoughts in my mind, like seeing a reminder for the Harry Potter movie in theatres in November and thinking "we'll need a babysitter so I can go see it...wait...no we won't".
In reality I KNOW my baby is dead. I'm not in denial...but sometimes I feel like my brain hasn't quite gotten around to sending a memo to all departments in order to update them on the situation. And each time a thought or a feeling comes up that was the old 'expecting' me...it hurts all over again. This suprises me sometimes because in reality, we knew things were not looking good for our boy since week 17. I wonder shouldn't I 'get it' by now? Shouldn't it have sunk in?
Brian said to me yesterday "tomorrow will be 50 days". My head said "oh my GOD...that's like FOREVER!". Somehow 7 weeks + 1 day seems like less time than 50 days. Like if I was 7 weeks + 1 day pregnant that would be middle first trimester...long way to go...but that amount of time without Aidan seems like an eternity.
Sometimes it's as if I think Aidan's in a penalty box somewhere and instead of 2 minutes for roughing, he (and we) got 50 days for some infraction I have yet to be told about. Like he'll pop out one of these days and say "Hey mom! They let me out! Stupid ref says I'm finished with my penalty and we can get on with the rest of the game!".
It was a bad day today, and I feel like I struggled more. Missed him MORE, if that's possible.
So for my followers (all 10 of you!):
Do you struggle with the permanency of death? Do you find yourself thinking thoughts that were the 'old' you who was 'expecting'? How do you cope with these thoughts and feelings? What is your biggest struggle right now?