*Cue lightening bolts and thunder*
The reason this is such a confession on my part is that it feels very rare in babylost land. I have read many blogs, and most writers seem to have an underlying belief, if not an outright proclamation about their belief in God. And when it becomes clear that they believe and I don't I feel somewhat of a disconnect. Because they view their babylost-ness in a way I never will.
I don't believe Aidan is in heaven. I don't believe I will ever see Aidan again. I don't believe he is watching me. I don't believe God is taking care of him for me. I don't believe he died for a reason. I just don't believe.
To explain my lack of faith I could point to my parents. Growing up, my Dad's family never attended church. My Dad told me he remembers once going with friends to Sunday school. His thoughts on it were "This is just like school. Why would I want to go to school on a Sunday?" He left and went home on his own. To this day, he continues to have no place in his life for all things religious. He doesn't dislike people who are religious...he just can't understand them. If you don't speak Swedish, you just don't understand Swedish conversation. And (to continue with my metaphor) he feels no need to learn Swedish. I suppose I'm much like him in this way.
My mother, is an aspiring yoga teacher. She's into all the breathing, meditating, and spiritual energy that is a big part of yoga. She did grow up going to church on occasion...but remembers it more as a place to sit and chill, and hang out with friends than as a religious experience. Today she views our life after death as more of a transfer of energy. I suppose I'm much like her in this way.
I'm cool with my lack of faith also perhaps because I'm Canadian. Not that being Canadian means you can't be religious...far from it. But being without faith in God here in Canada, especially in the city where I live, is never questioned. It's not seen as a problem. No one cares. I don't run across placards in my city announcing that the "end is near" and that I must "repent my sins". Local celebrities are not church elders. My whole community does not turn up at a church on a Sunday, necessitating that I go if I want to 'fit in'. We're a little more chill here in Canada about God. Maybe this is different in other parts of Canada...but I don't, and never have, lived there. Perhaps it is also because I live in a city where there are many people of different faiths and from different parts of the world. Being 'non religious' is just another way to be.
So, in case you were wondering. I was never baptised. I have only been to church a handful of times in my life and it's never been a spiritual experience for me. I had no intention of taking Aidan to church or baptising him. It says on my marriage certificate under religion "agnostic". My husband went so far as to say "atheist". We sleep in late Sunday mornings. I have no idea what John 12:4 refers to (if there is even a John 12:4?). I can eat meat (pork/beef/or fish) or not, any day of the week I choose.
I admit...there are something things about religion that are wonderful. Religious belief spawned many of the beautiful art pieces in history that I am mad for (Raphael, Ghiberti, Michelangelo, Bernini, Da Vinci, ah the list could go on forever!) . Churches are some of the most beautiful buildings on earth. But these are the outcomes of religion...not the religion itself. Maybe it would be nice to believe that when I talk out loud to Aidan (and I do, although always in private so I don't seem ya' know...crazy), that he could hear me. That he is 'watching' me and 'helping' to make good things happen for his mommy and daddy. I admit, I even tossed a prayer up to God/'whomever might be up there who could help' during my awful pregnancy with Aidan in the hopes that maybe a prayer might help save him (it didn't). Sometimes it would be nice to truly 'believe'. But I just can't get there.
And some things about an afterlife in which we 'know' one another are kind of creepy in their own way. Although it would be wonderful to 'reconnect' with those whom I love who have died, including Aidan, my Papa & Nana, and two of my aunts...it could also be kind of awkward. For example, what would I say to my mother's father who was by all accounts a really shitty human being? "Um...nice to meet you. By the way, you know you royally screwed up your wife and kids lives there for awhile...so could you just leave me alone while we're up here together. Thanks". Or, what if you met someone in heaven who, while a perfectly okay human being, you just didn't like. Such as a co-worker who drives you crazy. "Um...I know we had to sit beside each other every day in the typing pool...but I really don't want to associate with you up here in heaven for all eternity, m'kay?"
And if heaven exists, is Aidan up there right now missing me the way I'm missing him? That's an AWFUL thought. As a child, if my mom went somewhere, even out for an evening, I would worry about her and wish that she was home. I remember distinctly staring out my bedroom window, wondering where she was, and wishing she was there to tuck me in. Needing her, just because she was my mom. I would hate to think of a heaven where Aidan is aware that we aren't together. Because if he was aware enough to know that, then he would be aware enough to know that I'm his mommy and that he needs me. And that I'm not there.
So you may be wondering "what do you believe Emily?" (or perhaps you've reverted to referring to me in your head as 'that heathen').
I guess I go back to the principle of energy. The laws of physics, chemistry and biology state that energy is never created nor destroyed. It is just transferred. It becomes movement, heat, light, biological growth. The body that belonged to Aidan was cremated and the energy released became part of the surrounding world. His energy would have been small, because he was small, but it was there, it existed. I guess I believe that one day, the energy that I hold within my body will too become part of the surrounding world. I can even go one step further and think that maybe the energy that was him and the energy that was me could blend together. Our energies would not 'know' each other in the way humans are familiar with...but they may find that they work well together. Just as the molecules of sodium and chlorine find they are more stable when added together, or the way oxygen and hydrogen find a harmony that is water. My energy and Aidan's energy may find we 'fit'. Perhaps someday our energies may combine again to create something new...a molecule of a giant redwood tree, a whisker on a cat, a raindrop, a grain of sand, a cell in the body of new baby. That which was me will not 'know' Aidan, nor will he 'know' it is me...but we might get to reside together, brush up against each other again, somewhere, out there...sometime.
So gentle readers, if you do not share my outlook, if you feel somewhat of a disconnect, then that's okay. I understand. I'm glad that you can go on believing that you will see your baby again. Of course, I could be all wrong. If I end up in heaven, with angel wings on my back, and see Aidan flying towards me across the clouds yelling "Hey mom! You're finally here! Come watch me play!", I will try to remember to think back on all your babylost blogs and give a little smile "you were right" and race along joyfully after my son.
If you're willing to share, what do you believe? How does this affect your babylostness?