I recently re-read the Twilight series and I must say I really dug Bella's pain in New Moon a hell of a lot more this time around. I could connect to that. Of course that wretched girl got her lost love returned to her. If only cliff diving would work so well for me.
Since I really liked the music in the last two movies, I picked up the Eclipse soundtrack this past weekend when I was at Chapters. It has new tracks by Metric, Muse and Beck with Bat For Lashes. However, my favourite track ended up being by Florence and the Machine.
It's called Heavy In Your Arms.
Check it out on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BELNiWGF0aM
I'm the one in the red. That sucker was heavy.
And, some days, like yesterday, my grief is so overwhelming, so HEAVY I feel like Atlas. I cannot bear it. I am crushed under its mass. I cannot see when things will ever get better. I cannot get out from under the weight of the sadness that is my dead baby.
What I will never admit to, except on here, is that sometimes it's not only my sadness for Aidan that crushes me...but the love I have for him too. It feels like a sentence. "Emily, you are here by ordered to love a little person who is dead. You will never be able to see him grow up, smile, laugh, read to him, play with him, or talk to him. This is your punishment".
It is perhaps with this in mind that I really connect with the lyrics of this song: "My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball". And perhaps, most of all, although it pains me to admit it: "This will be my last confession, 'I love you' never felt like any blessing".
Yeah, it's that kind of day.
For those of you who are farther out in your grief, does it get more purse sized the longer you carry it? Are there days where it still crushes you into dust?
And, on the lighter side...are you excited for Eclipse?!