The little miscarriage that could

is apparently what Aidan was.

Fuck.

Our appointment at the fetal medicine unit was for 10am today. We arrived on time, but had to wait almost 2 hours in the waiting room...surrounded by pregnant moms. It was the 7th circle of hell. Especially the family consisting of mom, dad and grandparents who kept going on and on and ON about their impending TRIPLETS. Passing around the 3D photos of their babies calling each of them by name (Marcus and Landon and possibly Nicholas, although it might have been Nicole) Seriously? I just wanted ONE, and these morons get THREE! And "each of them weighs over 4 lbs now...wow". "Probably going to be delivered in early July". Dad was "betting July 9th". Ugh. I know this is a high risk unit and probably there were lots of mommies there who had problems getting pregnant or who were experiencing difficult pregnancies...but right now I don't have any sympathy for anyone else. I am alone in my hell, with my flat stomach and easily fitting clothes.

So finally Dr. K. calls us in and starts going over the results. Basically my placenta was what we thought, massively huge due to blood clots which probably caused the premature rupture of membranes, early labour and Aidan's demise. I knew this. No shocker. When we got into the reasons of said problem was when it really started to go downhill for me.

He asked me about my periods and I told him that prior to conceiving Aidan I had a problem with pre-menstrual spotting. I spotted consistently 3-4 days prior to each period for about 10 cycles prior to getting pregnant with Aidan. I have it all mapped out on Fertility Friend in case anyone is interested or cares. My family doctor had done some bloodwork when I told her about this last summer and my results came back with hyperprolactinemia (high prolactin levels). This may be caused by a teeny-tiny benign tumor on my pituitary gland. I was put on medication to bring down my prolactin levels around August or September of last year, which worked. Prolactin is the hormone that causes lactation and as such can screw up ovulation and your menstrual cycle. So when I told Dr. K. about this he said "oh, well that might have been the problem. You had only been on the medication to bring down your prolactin levels for 3 months when you got pregnant...maybe you're uterine lining hadn't had enough exposure to progesterone for the months previously and therefore the embryo implanted in 'bad spot' in your uterus. Typically when that happens it results in an early miscarriage...but you managed to hold on for much longer than that". Um, yeah...great...not long enough though.

Then he says, "you should probably wait at least SIX MONTHS before trying again, just to make sure that your uterine lining is healthy".

SIX MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Six months isn't really that long...it's already been 2 months already"...but seriously that's just to START TRYING. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew that in that first month or two I'd be pregnant with a healthy baby in a healthy uterus...but who the fuck knows at this point?

The worst part for me is that I KNEW that damn spotting I was having last summer was causing me trouble. My family doctor is nice and usually quite thorough, don't get me wrong, but when I went in there complaining about on-going spotting I knew something was WRONG and I feel like maybe not enough was done about it. And now it's come back to haunt me. Should I have been on progesterone supplements? Should I have been monitored by an Endocrinologist? A Reproductive Endocrinologist? (as much as I shutter to think of ANOTHER doctor being involved in my pregnancy...I'd take it if it meant a healthy baby).

I'm just so mad and sad and disappointed. Disappointed in my damn uterus and hormones and the fact that I knew something was wrong to start with. Aidan never had a chance.

Oh, and the icing on the cake? We also got the autopsy report back.

He was perfect.

There was nothing wrong with him as far as the pathologist could tell. He had all his parts, including a healthy heart. He had no major chromosomal abnormalities. He would have been a normal healthy baby boy if his goddamn placenta had just implanted properly.

I am crushed.

My poor boy.

I miss you. I'm sorry.