Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The little miscarriage that could

is apparently what Aidan was.


Our appointment at the fetal medicine unit was for 10am today. We arrived on time, but had to wait almost 2 hours in the waiting room...surrounded by pregnant moms. It was the 7th circle of hell. Especially the family consisting of mom, dad and grandparents who kept going on and on and ON about their impending TRIPLETS. Passing around the 3D photos of their babies calling each of them by name (Marcus and Landon and possibly Nicholas, although it might have been Nicole) Seriously? I just wanted ONE, and these morons get THREE! And "each of them weighs over 4 lbs now...wow". "Probably going to be delivered in early July". Dad was "betting July 9th". Ugh. I know this is a high risk unit and probably there were lots of mommies there who had problems getting pregnant or who were experiencing difficult pregnancies...but right now I don't have any sympathy for anyone else. I am alone in my hell, with my flat stomach and easily fitting clothes.

So finally Dr. K. calls us in and starts going over the results. Basically my placenta was what we thought, massively huge due to blood clots which probably caused the premature rupture of membranes, early labour and Aidan's demise. I knew this. No shocker. When we got into the reasons of said problem was when it really started to go downhill for me.

He asked me about my periods and I told him that prior to conceiving Aidan I had a problem with pre-menstrual spotting. I spotted consistently 3-4 days prior to each period for about 10 cycles prior to getting pregnant with Aidan. I have it all mapped out on Fertility Friend in case anyone is interested or cares. My family doctor had done some bloodwork when I told her about this last summer and my results came back with hyperprolactinemia (high prolactin levels). This may be caused by a teeny-tiny benign tumor on my pituitary gland. I was put on medication to bring down my prolactin levels around August or September of last year, which worked. Prolactin is the hormone that causes lactation and as such can screw up ovulation and your menstrual cycle. So when I told Dr. K. about this he said "oh, well that might have been the problem. You had only been on the medication to bring down your prolactin levels for 3 months when you got pregnant...maybe you're uterine lining hadn't had enough exposure to progesterone for the months previously and therefore the embryo implanted in 'bad spot' in your uterus. Typically when that happens it results in an early miscarriage...but you managed to hold on for much longer than that". Um, yeah...great...not long enough though.

Then he says, "you should probably wait at least SIX MONTHS before trying again, just to make sure that your uterine lining is healthy".

SIX MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking "Six months isn't really that long...it's already been 2 months already"...but seriously that's just to START TRYING. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew that in that first month or two I'd be pregnant with a healthy baby in a healthy uterus...but who the fuck knows at this point?

The worst part for me is that I KNEW that damn spotting I was having last summer was causing me trouble. My family doctor is nice and usually quite thorough, don't get me wrong, but when I went in there complaining about on-going spotting I knew something was WRONG and I feel like maybe not enough was done about it. And now it's come back to haunt me. Should I have been on progesterone supplements? Should I have been monitored by an Endocrinologist? A Reproductive Endocrinologist? (as much as I shutter to think of ANOTHER doctor being involved in my pregnancy...I'd take it if it meant a healthy baby).

I'm just so mad and sad and disappointed. Disappointed in my damn uterus and hormones and the fact that I knew something was wrong to start with. Aidan never had a chance.

Oh, and the icing on the cake? We also got the autopsy report back.

He was perfect.

There was nothing wrong with him as far as the pathologist could tell. He had all his parts, including a healthy heart. He had no major chromosomal abnormalities. He would have been a normal healthy baby boy if his goddamn placenta had just implanted properly.

I am crushed.

My poor boy.

I miss you. I'm sorry.


  1. hugs xxx
    I know how you feel. I too feel like my baby died because of me,because my body failed my baby girl.Angel was perfect too
    we have to accept that 'these' things happen hun, no matter how hard it is. xxx

    Angel's Mummy

  2. I would be pissed too. That was the worst part for me: knowing Stevie was perfect and would have been born a healthy little girl if I wouldn't have gotten some clot in her umbilical cord. AND that if they would have somehow caught the clot (I don't even know if they could have, so not blaming anyone here), and delivered her alive at 26 weeks, she would have most likely been alright. In the NICU for long time, yeah, but she was almost 2 pounds and like 14 inches long--definitely big enough to survive, right? It's so frustrating.

    That sucks they told you to wait 6 months. :( I know it's not long, really, but I totally get why you wouldn't want to wait that long to even start "trying."

  3. This post was so heartbreaking. So many things about it bother me.

    First, the people who kept going on and on about their triplets? That is so wrong. Especially in a high risk pregnancy office. Obviously people are there because things are not going well. They really should have shut their mouths and be sensitive to others in the room. Assholes.

    Second, I hear you blaming yourself. It is not your fault. No one told you to wait to get pregnant. Besides, this doctor is proposing a theory. He doesn't know for sure what went wrong. I have seen so many doctors say completely different things, so I have learned that the doctors don't know everything.

    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

  4. I am so sorry that you have had such a bad day. I would have found it so hard to wait in that room with the others talking about their babies.

    You did everything that you could. You went to your doctor, you had the blood work and took the medication. Aidan knows that you did everything you could. I know that doesn't necessarily help your pain, but how were you supposed to know that this could happen? Also, the doctor said that maybe that was the cause. Maybe it wasn't.

    I am so sorry about the six months. I know that seems like a lifetime. I lost Jacob on June 1 and if I could have gotten on pregnant on June 2, I would have. I don't know how long I have to wait yet. My doctor told me 1 normal cycle in the hospital, but I haven't been for my 6-week pp visit yet so who knows (and I haven't had my period yet).

    I also know about being disappointed in your body. The only thing I know right now that is there were some amniotic bands and maybe one wrapped around his umbilical cord and caused his death. No one seems to know what causes them. I have gone over and over anything that I might have lifted when pregnant that could have caused them to break loose, even though everyone says lifting things doesn't cause it.

    Most of the time I believe that there is nothing I could have done, but some of the time it haunts me.

    I just know that we both would have done anything to save our babies and that our babies know that we would have.

    Thinking about you,


  5. we started trying again straight away, and i'm still not pregnant seven months later.

    if we'd had to wait six months i may have gone entirely crazy. it's a very long time in our world.

    it's all so unfair. i'm keeping you and your husband and your Aidan in my thoughts. xx

  6. Sweetie, I know this is hard, but please don't make yourself feel guilty. I say that as I sit in hole of guilt right now, but you didn't do anything wrong. We were told 6 months as well after we lost our Aidan, but after 4 months my dr called and said that it's okay to start trying now.

  7. I can relate to feeling as though the body failed. I have had those same feelings multiple times.

    I would recommend, even if you wait the recommended time by your Dr. that you talk to them about doing progesterone therapy once you become pregnant again. Although it can be a pain, it's worth a little peace of mind.

  8. I'm so sorry Emily. It is absolutely crushing. I remember feeling so angry that she had come so far, for nothing.

    I hope that your doctor is being conservative about the six month wait, I can imagine that would feel absolutely unbearable.

    I'm with Noelle about the family with triplets. Strange, whenever I've sat in those high risk waiting areas you could usually hear a pin drop.