Should I Stay or Should I Go?

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? (The Clash)

Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!

Should I stay or should I go?

*Sigh*

So I'm still at the hospital. I'm lonely and it's boring and I actually really miss TV, just for the company (the TV costs money here too so I'm trying to do without it).

Fluid level is at 3.8, so slightly up from Thursday, but I continue to leak just as heavily and Dr. S. came in and said that while my NSTs have looked normal over the weekend and he was fine with me going home, he wanted to warn me about the 'small possibility of cord prolapse'. How if I was here and the cord prolapsed there is a possibility they would be able to save the baby...but Acorn would almost certainly die if it happened at home. Ah, yes, thanks Dr. S. I know I can always count on you for 'keeping it real' and scaring the shit out of me. I know you have to give me ALL of the terrible scenarios but when you phrase it like "at least if you're here you'd know you did everything you could"...it makes me feel really bad about even considering being anywhere else.

Of course if I'm here and I get an infection, I might always wonder if it was some nasty hospital bug I contracted and maybe I would have avoided it if I'd stayed at home? Can't really control that one. I could get infected in either place. It just bugs me (ha! a pun) more here.

So I figure I'll at least suck it up until our scan on Thursday and see what that shows. Hopefully all looks well and we continue on. If I happen to have lots more fluid I might consider going home again. If it's about the same I suppose we continue on (spending money) in the hospital, until at least 32 weeks, when if everyone is on board, I will be rolled into a sterile cold operating room where I will receive a nicely planned epidural and a calm and controlled C-section resulting in a perfectly healthy (premature) baby who screams his frigging head off for being so rudely lifted from his warm cramped quarters. This will of course happen mid-morning, after a good night's sleep with Brian standing at the ready, armed with his camera.

I suppose I do feel somewhat 'safer' here, especially since I'm in my own room and have my own bathroom and do not have to worry that my room mate is going to sneeze and contaminate the air with a virus, or her family might not wash their hands and coat the door knob with e-coli. I will also admit it was scary sometimes at night at home when I'd get a (perfectly normal?) back cramp and wonder "should I be rushing to the hospital now?" At least here, help is only a push button away. If anything else changes, it won't just be my own nursing skills I'm relying on to decide "is this something to stress about?"

However, the money aspect really bothers me, and my line of thinking goes: it's so much MONEY to just sit here, bored and alone. (Possibly for nothing!) How are we going to pay for all of that AND a new baby? I hope people are really generous if we have a shower and will help pay for some of the most needed and expensive items. I know people LOVE buying adorable outfits but I could do without a million of those. Instead I'm really going to need a crib and a stroller and a car seat and diapers and probably a breast pump because we currently have NOTHING. Not even paint for the kid's room. And what if the absolute WORST happens and the baby dies? Can I have a 'pity shower' where people just throw money at me because it will literally gut me to pay a $x000 hospital bill with nothing to show for it. I worked it out today that if I could make it 32 weeks it would be north of $1400 to continue to stay in a private room. If I make it to 34 weeks, it would be upwards of $2800. And that doesn't include parking, or meals for Brian when he is here staying with me (he buys much tastier meals than what arrives on my tray I might add).

I know I could avoid most of the cost by moving into a shared room...but that might just kill me too.

So...here I sit. Acorn better damn well grow up to appreciate it.

(please baby, I'm only kidding, pleasepleaseplease just be okay and don't die).