No (Wo)Man's Land

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been too tired. I've been suffering with on and off insomnia the past week or so. This happens to me when I'm worried about something. Other people find it insane, but I can sometimes (unwantingly) stop myself from sleeping all night. I might be tired as anything but I just cannot relax and go to sleep. It's one of the things I dislike most about myself (next to my half a heart and womb that killed Aidan). I think I've had about 8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours so please excuse run on sentences and any other grammatical errors.

Good news is I'm still pregnant. We went for another ultrasound yesterday and we have a heart rate of 187. Acorn is measuring 8 weeks and 5 days based on his crown to rump length. Which is apparently accurate with my ovulation day based on the fertility clinic's calculations. The ultrasound technician was your typical no personality bitch who, even after I waited until the end of the ultrasound, like a good little patient to ask "So when does my husband get to see..." I was met with the response of "Oh, it's too small...he'll be able to see more next time" followed by a quick "you can get dressed now". This is even after they have a sign in the waiting room stating that during your ultrasound, your partner will be able to come in at the end. I think the technician was uncomfortable because she had to do a vaginal ultrasound (which I'm totally cool with by the way) and she didn't want to have to do it in front of my husband. I was too tired to argue (see above insomnia) so I just let it go. I wish now I'd pushed a little harder because Brian was really upset he didn't get to see. I thought of the awesome response to her "He'll be able to see next time" comment as I was leaving. Which was of course "Let's hope there is a next time...because last time there eventually wasn't".

However, I'm now convinced that ultrasounds, while providing immediate reassurance also screw with your head and make you crazy. This is because Acorn's MSD (mean sac diameter) only puts me at 7 weeks. When I took the radiology report back to the RE's office which they asked me to do, I asked about this and what it might mean. The nurse I was speaking to went to ask the doctor and came back and told me the doctor didn't really know that much about it and couldn't tell me one way or another what that meant. She then told me I should ask my OB about it. Great, thanks for nothing. If the RE doesn't know anything about it, what makes her think that my OB is going to? Isn't SHE technically an OB? Does she think he learned something in medical school she didn't? Dr. Google has, of course, scared the living daylights out of my husband and when I looked up small mean sac diameter this morning, all you can find is bad news. But then everything else you read states that finding a heart beat is good news. So if a disaster happens, we'll of course point to the small sac and say "see, things weren't right from the beginning", and if it doesn't we'll blow it off with "oh, see that didn't mean anything". 5-12 weeks of pregnancy seems to be a no-man's land when it comes to predicting. Unless you have something that is GLARING and OBVIOUSLY wrong, then nobody seems to fucking to know if it's going to turn out okay. You're safely correct if you state "it might work out and it might not". It's like relying on the weather man.

I also asked the nurse (who went to ask the doctor) if I could stay on my progesterone suppositories until at least 12 weeks. I am ABSOLFUCKINLUTELY convinced that Aidan's death is at least somewhat attributable to low progesterone levels in my first trimester. The doctor (through the nurse...the doctor never actually came to talk to me directly), said that "at this point, I can't recommend you continuing with progesterone as it's no longer necessary and we usually advise patients to stop taking it at this point". Um...thanks lady. But even if it's a freaking placebo I'll take it and I'll take it happily. She didn't renew my prescription...but what she doesn't know is that the other RE who I saw at 6 weeks for my first ultrasound renewed my progesterone *just enough* to get me to 12 weeks. So I'll keep taking it until then. How subversive of me.

I have other thoughts flying around in my head, but I'm too tired to go on with them right now. Hopefully I'll have more time and energy this weekend.

Is there something at an early ultrasound with your dead baby that caused you pause? Do you ever think back to it and wonder "if it meant something?"