I just feel like sometimes the worry is overwhelming. I can't sleep sometimes due to the stress. I'm (of course) worried about my current little embryo who I hope is doing well and growing and thriving. I'm also (again) worried about how my heart is going to cope with pregnancy. And I don't mean in a figurative sense. I remember being about 15 to 16 weeks pregnant last time and taking my heart rate lying down...and it was 116. Awesome. I just don't know how I'll cope with work and chores and other life events if I feel like my heart is about to jump out of my chest. My heart will always be a concern. I know that. I knew that going in to both pregnancies...it's just different to think about in terms of the future 'when I'm pregnant' compared to the current 'now I'm pregnant'.
I was looking at old pictures of myself the other night and sometimes I cannot believe how happy and content and worry-free I looked. Was that was life was like? Was I really so blissfully ignorant of how stressful things could be? I know I was never a completely carefree person (I've always been a worrier)...but sometimes it's hard to remember what the heck I could have possibly had to be stressed about back then.
I don't know, maybe other PALMs worry about stuff like this, especially if your pregnancy caused not only the death of your child...but also placed your own health in jeopardy. It doesn't at all cancel out the happiness I feel that we have another chance to bring home a baby (hopefully), but it certainly ratchets up the notch on the "Stress-o-meter". I know a lot of moms worry about the first trimester in terms of their baby...and then feel more reassured the farther along they are...but I feel like my pregnancy anxiety might have more of an parabola shape:
With anxiety for the baby being high at the beginning (and let's face it, probably not completely disappearing, ya know, ever), but then anxiety for my own health increasing as time goes along. I also worry about what this will do to Brian. What if something bad happens to the baby (again)? What if something bad happens to me? It's not just my health and happiness we're playing with here...it's both of ours. It's our whole families'.
As usual, there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this. *Sigh* Like the British, I'll have to keep a stiff upper lip and Keep Calm & Carry On (I really should get a poster of this...)
What worries you these days? What helps to calm you?