Monday, June 27, 2011

Should I Stay or Should I Go?


Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!

Should I stay or should I go?


So I'm still at the hospital. I'm lonely and it's boring and I actually really miss TV, just for the company (the TV costs money here too so I'm trying to do without it).

Fluid level is at 3.8, so slightly up from Thursday, but I continue to leak just as heavily and Dr. S. came in and said that while my NSTs have looked normal over the weekend and he was fine with me going home, he wanted to warn me about the 'small possibility of cord prolapse'. How if I was here and the cord prolapsed there is a possibility they would be able to save the baby...but Acorn would almost certainly die if it happened at home. Ah, yes, thanks Dr. S. I know I can always count on you for 'keeping it real' and scaring the shit out of me. I know you have to give me ALL of the terrible scenarios but when you phrase it like "at least if you're here you'd know you did everything you could" makes me feel really bad about even considering being anywhere else.

Of course if I'm here and I get an infection, I might always wonder if it was some nasty hospital bug I contracted and maybe I would have avoided it if I'd stayed at home? Can't really control that one. I could get infected in either place. It just bugs me (ha! a pun) more here.

So I figure I'll at least suck it up until our scan on Thursday and see what that shows. Hopefully all looks well and we continue on. If I happen to have lots more fluid I might consider going home again. If it's about the same I suppose we continue on (spending money) in the hospital, until at least 32 weeks, when if everyone is on board, I will be rolled into a sterile cold operating room where I will receive a nicely planned epidural and a calm and controlled C-section resulting in a perfectly healthy (premature) baby who screams his frigging head off for being so rudely lifted from his warm cramped quarters. This will of course happen mid-morning, after a good night's sleep with Brian standing at the ready, armed with his camera.

I suppose I do feel somewhat 'safer' here, especially since I'm in my own room and have my own bathroom and do not have to worry that my room mate is going to sneeze and contaminate the air with a virus, or her family might not wash their hands and coat the door knob with e-coli. I will also admit it was scary sometimes at night at home when I'd get a (perfectly normal?) back cramp and wonder "should I be rushing to the hospital now?" At least here, help is only a push button away. If anything else changes, it won't just be my own nursing skills I'm relying on to decide "is this something to stress about?"

However, the money aspect really bothers me, and my line of thinking goes: it's so much MONEY to just sit here, bored and alone. (Possibly for nothing!) How are we going to pay for all of that AND a new baby? I hope people are really generous if we have a shower and will help pay for some of the most needed and expensive items. I know people LOVE buying adorable outfits but I could do without a million of those. Instead I'm really going to need a crib and a stroller and a car seat and diapers and probably a breast pump because we currently have NOTHING. Not even paint for the kid's room. And what if the absolute WORST happens and the baby dies? Can I have a 'pity shower' where people just throw money at me because it will literally gut me to pay a $x000 hospital bill with nothing to show for it. I worked it out today that if I could make it 32 weeks it would be north of $1400 to continue to stay in a private room. If I make it to 34 weeks, it would be upwards of $2800. And that doesn't include parking, or meals for Brian when he is here staying with me (he buys much tastier meals than what arrives on my tray I might add).

I know I could avoid most of the cost by moving into a shared room...but that might just kill me too. I sit. Acorn better damn well grow up to appreciate it.

(please baby, I'm only kidding, pleasepleaseplease just be okay and don't die).


  1. Oh Emily. This money business, I hate that it's something you're worrying about. Just another stressor you don't need, right? :(

    As for the gear you're looking for, register for it? I know you don't want to do optimistic things right now, but I think you can do it online through Babies R Us. Bring home an Acorn, and I will buy you your car seat, swear to God.

  2. Why don't you put a donation button up here? And have a registry up online? It's awful that money has to be a worry when you have more than enough to worry about already!

  3. I was going to ditto the donation button too. I know I would love to help, even if just a little bit.

    Also, they CHARGE for TV?? OMG. Emily. What kind of draconian hospital is this??? I've been in two different hospitals and neither did that. I'm seriously in shock. I just feel so terrible for you. Do they have free wireless? Can you bring a laptop and watch Hulu shows?

    In the huge grand scheme of things, $2800 isn't a lot. Just remind yourself that people regularly graduate with $10, 20, 30,000 worth of debt from school and somehow they make it work and have kids. Right?? Maybe?

  4. Emily,

    I hate it for you that money is a worry but you are (seem since I've never met you) an incredibly educated, responsible person and educated, responsible people worry about adult things like the monetary costs of all of this. Don't you wish to be blissfully ignorant sometimes? I know I do! Somewhere in here is a big compliment to you for being smart and thoughtful!

    Making a registry sounds splendid and a nice way to pass some free time. You can also use Amazon as well. I hope that you at least have wireless so that there is something for you to do.

    Finally, to be honest, I'm glad you are in the hospital for now. Your plan to wait until Thursday seems like the smartest and most informed way to approach it.

    I suggest reading at least...Water for Elephants, The Hunger Games books, stuff that is light and kind of action-packed to keep your mind off. I can't imagine just sitting there without television or anything. I would be miserable too.


  5. I understand you don't know me, but I also agree that you should put a donation button up there. Anything that would help you worry less and focus more on little Acorn has got to be a good thing, right?

  6. Be blissfully unaware about the $$ for the time being. Children cost money- just think that this will be the first of many expenses to come. Try Craigslist to save some money or I am sure that there are tons of friends who will be happy to include you on their "hand me down" lists.
    I hold a hefty student loan and conveniently ignore the fact on a regular basis ;)

  7. Hang in there, Acorn! You have to hear all of your mom's stories of you one day.

  8. K, I have to agree with the other 4000 commenters about the money thing. $2800.00 is such just a drop in the money bucket when kids come along. Just tell Acorn "sorry no braces for you!". Only kidding :).

    The ONLY thing that you need to worry about right now is bringing him or her into the world safely. Thats it. Don't worry about all the stuff that you will need once he's here. You probably be surprised at how much stuff you get after A is here!

    Oh and Laptop + Netflix = no bored Emily

    Lots of Love xoxox

  9. You can do are a strong woman. I am thinking of you every day. You will make the right decisions for you and your family <3

  10. Please put up a donate button or whatever magic blog thing that will let those of that can, give a little.

  11. I agree, you should totally register for what you NEED...lots of stores have registries - of course Babies R Us, but also Target and Walmart etc...where ever you shop most. There have been several people who did a "blind" registry somehow, and bloggers were able to buy a gift for you without knowing your address/name. I would love to get something you need if you're able to figure out how to do that! Good luck - hope you have internet access!

  12. it's so unfair that money even has to be an issue on top of everything else. hang in there! thinking of you and acorn.

  13. You can do it! Focus all that energy on Acorn! I wish I could give you all of my baby stuff - but I live in France right now. Maybe if you have a girl I'll send you lots and lots of girly clothes! All my other baby stuff is in storage for 3 years unfortunately. I bet you can find someone to donate used car seats and strollers and cribs to you. Once you have that baby, we will all post your story and I bet the world will come through for you! Keep your spirits high - I can't wait to see a picture of your new baby - it sounds so promising!