30 weeks + 3 days, 13 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 5 in hospital (again).
Thank you for all your lovely comments urging me to have a 'donate' button. I will take your opinions under advisement and will let you know what we decide.
In other news, I saw the Neonatologist today. He didn't say anything that I didn't already know, except he informed me that the initial septic work up for Acorn will include a lumbar puncture. I knew they would draw blood initially to test for infection, but I didn't expect they would do a 'complete' septic work up which includes blood, urine and an lumbar puncture (spinal tap). I'm a little saddened by this info...poor guy, having to get poked in the back on his first day of life...but my mom and my husband were very upset hearing this.
I keep having to remind myself that they aren't used to the NICU. They don't know what happens there. While a complete septic work up isn't fun and it can be kind of painful, it might not be the worst thing Acorn faces. Yes, we are hoping with all we have that Acorn has a fairly easy course once he arrives on 'this side' of the world. But what if he doesn't? What if it's worse...much worse? I'm a little nervous I'm going to have to be the 'strong nurse' and reassure everyone that while the care Acorn is getting might look barbaric, it's for his own good. I might have to do this while also crying inside about how sad I am that it's MY baby having those things done.
This is all assuming Acorn lives of course. I still haven't cleared that hurdle in my mind. As much as you guys are urging me to look at baby stuff in my acres of spare time here (and I do have acres of it), I just can't. I checked out a few car seats today...and I couldn't look anymore. The hurdles we still have to face seem so HUGE. I feel like a fraud checking out baby items as if I might get to use them. I actually still feel a bit like a fraud calling myself 'pregnant', which I know is stupid because I'm over 40 inches around at the middle, I can feel Acorn kicking as I type this, and I can't see my feet when I stand up. But in my mind, pregnant people have every right to assume they will be bringing a baby home and don't have all the scary acronyms attached to their file like I do. I can't go there yet...I don't think I will let myself really believe Acorn's real until he or she arrives and cries and does well.
It's hard and I'm tired. I'm more tired and it's harder being at the hospital. I can't pretend things are 'normal' while I'm here. I can't fake it as well. I hope the time passes quickly. I hope we're heading to a rainbow instead of another storm cloud.
If you've had a pregnancy after loss, did you find it hard to imagine bringing home a baby (even if things were normal and progressing well?) When did it finally feel 'real'?