Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Can't go there yet

30 weeks + 3 days, 13 weeks + 5 days post rupture, day 5 in hospital (again).

Thank you for all your lovely comments urging me to have a 'donate' button. I will take your opinions under advisement and will let you know what we decide.

In other news, I saw the Neonatologist today. He didn't say anything that I didn't already know, except he informed me that the initial septic work up for Acorn will include a lumbar puncture. I knew they would draw blood initially to test for infection, but I didn't expect they would do a 'complete' septic work up which includes blood, urine and an lumbar puncture (spinal tap). I'm a little saddened by this info...poor guy, having to get poked in the back on his first day of life...but my mom and my husband were very upset hearing this.

I keep having to remind myself that they aren't used to the NICU. They don't know what happens there. While a complete septic work up isn't fun and it can be kind of painful, it might not be the worst thing Acorn faces. Yes, we are hoping with all we have that Acorn has a fairly easy course once he arrives on 'this side' of the world. But what if he doesn't? What if it's worse...much worse? I'm a little nervous I'm going to have to be the 'strong nurse' and reassure everyone that while the care Acorn is getting might look barbaric, it's for his own good. I might have to do this while also crying inside about how sad I am that it's MY baby having those things done.

This is all assuming Acorn lives of course. I still haven't cleared that hurdle in my mind. As much as you guys are urging me to look at baby stuff in my acres of spare time here (and I do have acres of it), I just can't. I checked out a few car seats today...and I couldn't look anymore. The hurdles we still have to face seem so HUGE. I feel like a fraud checking out baby items as if I might get to use them. I actually still feel a bit like a fraud calling myself 'pregnant', which I know is stupid because I'm over 40 inches around at the middle, I can feel Acorn kicking as I type this, and I can't see my feet when I stand up. But in my mind, pregnant people have every right to assume they will be bringing a baby home and don't have all the scary acronyms attached to their file like I do. I can't go there yet...I don't think I will let myself really believe Acorn's real until he or she arrives and cries and does well.

It's hard and I'm tired. I'm more tired and it's harder being at the hospital. I can't pretend things are 'normal' while I'm here. I can't fake it as well. I hope the time passes quickly. I hope we're heading to a rainbow instead of another storm cloud.

If you've had a pregnancy after loss, did you find it hard to imagine bringing home a baby (even if things were normal and progressing well?) When did it finally feel 'real'?


  1. Yeah, I guess urging you to have a registry is a bit hypocritical; I'm 33 weeks today and still can't imagine bringing home a live baby. I had a hospital bag packed by the time I was 12 weeks I think, but it still doesn't have any bub stuff in it - just stuff to avoid my husband having to scramble around coming up with a bizarre assortment of things for me in a his grief-stricken visit home. That’s all I have experience of.

    But I bet if Acorn comes out all right, even if you're still at the hospital or he's in NICU and stuff needs to be organised at home, you can count on parents and friends to pull together for you. Look what your parents have done so far - I think they'd love to be able to extend it from providing a place for you to be on bed rest to providing a cot for Acorn to sleep in. I bet they’d be thrilled to help!

  2. If it makes you feel any better, I'm 38+ weeks pregnant and I'm STILL not sure I'm bringing home a live baby. Everything we've purchased for the baby (or been given) is ready to be returned: clothes still have tags on them, the boxes for the gear/toys are stacked in the garage, there's a giant envelope full of receipts...

    I FINALLY washed a handful (literally, like six) of baby clothes and about had a heart attack while doing it. And I made sure it was stuff I couldn't take back - purchased online on sale or left over from Caleb or gifted without a receipts.

    I don't know when I'll feel comfortable throwing out the boxes and receipts and stuff. :/

  3. Thinking of you... I wish I had more than that for you tonight.

  4. Ian, my rainbow, is 5 weeks old and sometimes it still doesn't feel real! When I was pregnant I would not let anyone throw me a baby shower until at least 30 weeks. I didn't ever picture myself coming home with a baby because I was too scared that I wouldn't again. I had to leave him in the hospital one extra night because of his jaundice and was a mess when I left the hospital with empty arms again. My pregnancy was hard and had many complications. I am praying acorn is amazing!

  5. I'm like Trisha. Reuben is nearly two months old and I still can't believe that he is mine and that he is alive. And everything was completely, boringly normal during my pregnancy and his birth. But after he did not arrive prematurely (my main fear) I was very anxious that he would die during birth.

    I felt completely overwhelmed looking at car seats and so on. I could only bring myself to accept second hand things as that didn't seem to carry the same jinx, I reasoned that I could just give them back. Luckily a friend of mine gave me bunches of clothes as her newborn was 11 lbs and he inherited some baby things from his older sisters.

    Definitely put up a 'donate' button if you feel able to and I'm sure you'll be amazed at how many gifts Acorn receives from friends and family. I ended up buying very little for Reuben in the end anyway as everyone else already had it covered!

  6. I had a healthy, normal, boring, easy first pregnancy, yet my baby died in labour five days past her due date. I then had another boring, easy, healthy pregnancy with my son, only I was riddled with fear and anxiety from the top of my head to to tips of my toes. I never, ever believed he would make it. I didn't see how, given how catastrophic everything went at the 11th hour with his sister. I literally did not believe it until he was in my arms, screaming. He arrived at 38 weeks exactly. Like others have said, sometimes I still have to pinch myself now. He's every bit the cheeky 19 month old causing chaos in my life, but I'll never forget how lucky I am.
    I'm just a little bit ahead of you in my current pregnancy and while I have more belief I can do it this time, I still don't really feel it is a sure thing. Today I met with a midwife to go through all the pre-birth prep, then things like "safe sleeping" and not smoking in the house and I thought - lets just get this one out alive first.
    You're not alone in your thoughts. And no hurry on the car seat. These things can wait.

  7. I now have 3 boys and I still can't believe that they are mine. Some days I catch myself having a feeling that they are temporary and someone may come to pick them up. Then, on other days when I am constantly picking up after them, I think- if I have to clean up after them, then I am keeping them ;)
    Good luck!

  8. I have a 7 week old (after 2 miscarriages and one stillbirth) and I didn't believe I'd bring a baby home until he came out of me crying. I was a mess during labor and delivery because I still thought he wouldn't make it. I know exactly how you feel.

  9. I've never mentioned it on your blog but I've been reading since you lost Aidan because my Liam was born at 23 weeks in April 2010. Well, I'm pregnant now and am 22 weeks and am scared sh*tless most days. Am on bed rest and everything preventive is being done and overall my pregnancy is going well, considering. Anyway, I am a hypocrite. I have timelines in my head...okay when I reach 30 weeks I will actually buy something for my baby girl...but then I think, well, maybe 32 weeks? I've let parents buy us things and we only have a car seat because it was used, my mom got it, and I specifically mentioned that since it's used and was a discount I wouldn't feel bad about getting rid of it...uggh, so depressing really.

    I hope that as you are turning the corner to 31 weeks, and then maybe 32 weeks, that you are able to let reality sink in. The good reality, the likelihood that Acorn will be born and will have an amazing, full, healthy life ahead of him/her. I hope that for you because I hope that for myself.


  10. I struggle with this, too. Even though things seem to be going well in this pregnancy and I am past 28 weeks now, I just can't imagine a happy ending. All I have ever known of pregnancy and delivery is heartbreak and devastation and it is hard to break away from that, as much as I would like to. Now that I am past my big preterm labor milestones I worry about other things...stillbirth, abruption, etc...I don't know if the worry ever stops.

  11. Wish I could be by you to help you out with anything you need. I know you have amazing family and friends though that have been there for you and will continue to do so long after Acorns arrival. Much love!

  12. I'm just behind you at 29 weeks gestation (tomorrow) and I don't believe this little one is coming home. I had a healthy first pregnancy and labor but Charlotte died shortly after birth. And while this pregnancy has been healthy and normal I can't help but think this baby too will die shortly after birth. As others have mentioned I have bought clothes, but the tags are still attached with receipts nearby just in case.

    I've been doing my best to enjoy the baby kicks in case that's the only interaction I have with this baby.

    I hope your stress eases some. I know you hate being in the hospital.

    Thinking of you and Acorn.

  13. I wish someone could offer you something secure...a promise even...that everything will turn out just the way you want it to. But I can't...the medical field can't...no one can. I'm so sorry for that. I think of you often...and continue to hope that things with Acorn will all work out okay. But I understand that given what you have already been through that it's hard to believe. Do what's best for you and follow your heart. You know what you think you can and cannot do. In good time, you will figure out when the time is right. Sending hugs your way.

  14. Thinking of you and your family. The NICU is pretty intense, and when you think of how tiny babies are and the kinds of care some of them need - I'm almost grateful I only spent one day there. I'm hoping hard that a septic work up is the worst Acorn will have to face.

    I'd purchased a car seat for Teddy, and while I don't regret it, the fact that he didn't get to come home in it made it hard to look at or think about. I couldn't bring myself to buy anything for Dot. N bought some newborn diapers a week before she arrived, and that was when her coming home with us finally started to seem like it might really happen.

    Thinking of you and hoping this time in the hospital passes quickly and uneventfully until you and Acorn are ready.

  15. I am in the 2ww and I feel like I am jinxing it to even think about buying some pregnancy tests for when I can test next week. I think when/if I have another baby, I will just borrow my nephew's car seat the bring the baby home and get one after that. Maybe things will change, but I know I couldn't be filling out a registry. That seems like something pregnant women who aren't "in the know" about what could happen, or that it could actually happen to them, do.

    My husband feels differently. He says that we should go ahead and do it and enjoy it. Whether or not the baby lives, at least we will have enjoyed that experience. I see his point, but I don't know if I could do it.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.