Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Eclipse comes out today! Yeah! After our Dr.'s appointment yesterday I pretty much spent more of the day crying than not, so I'm glad for a distraction something to look forward to today.

I recently re-read the Twilight series and I must say I really dug Bella's pain in New Moon a hell of a lot more this time around. I could connect to that. Of course that wretched girl got her lost love returned to her. If only cliff diving would work so well for me.

Since I really liked the music in the last two movies, I picked up the Eclipse soundtrack this past weekend when I was at Chapters. It has new tracks by Metric, Muse and Beck with Bat For Lashes. However, my favourite track ended up being by Florence and the Machine.

It's called Heavy In Your Arms.

Check it out on You Tube:

It's become my anthem the last few days. I play it on repeat.

I guess it's because that's the way I feel these days. Heavy. Like my grief is dragging me down. My dead son weighs on me. All 580 grams of him.

Sometimes, when I'm busy and into what I'm doing my grief for Aidan is manageable...purse sized. I can easily carry it with me. "Oh this thing? Yeah it's my no, it's fine, don't trouble yourself. I can carry it". But, when I'm alone, or thinking about him a lot, my grief begins to feel heavier, it becomes back-pack sized. Like the big back-pack I took on our Euro-Trip last year.

I'm the one in the red. That sucker was heavy.

And, some days, like yesterday, my grief is so overwhelming, so HEAVY I feel like Atlas. I cannot bear it. I am crushed under its mass. I cannot see when things will ever get better. I cannot get out from under the weight of the sadness that is my dead baby.

What I will never admit to, except on here, is that sometimes it's not only my sadness for Aidan that crushes me...but the love I have for him too. It feels like a sentence. "Emily, you are here by ordered to love a little person who is dead. You will never be able to see him grow up, smile, laugh, read to him, play with him, or talk to him. This is your punishment".

It is perhaps with this in mind that I really connect with the lyrics of this song: "My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball". And perhaps, most of all, although it pains me to admit it: "This will be my last confession, 'I love you' never felt like any blessing".

Yeah, it's that kind of day.

For those of you who are farther out in your grief, does it get more purse sized the longer you carry it? Are there days where it still crushes you into dust?

And, on the lighter side...are you excited for Eclipse?!


  1. have you heard the rest of the Florence and the Machine album? it was all i could listen to in the early days. i can post you a copy of the cd if you would like.

    the grief is still huge and all-encompassing and horrendous, but i don't pick it up so much these days. also, the antidepressants kind of put wheels on the bottom, so i can carry it along with me easier.

    i typed alone instead of along at first. i wish i didn't mostly carry it alone, but mostly, i do.

    sending hugs. i hope you enjoyed europe,

  2. i have the first two twilight books but haven't read them yet, and i always wait to see movies until after i've read the books.

    as for grief getting lighter farther out - i don't remember exactly when you lost aidan, but i think i lost kenny very close to your date. today's 2 months since my water broke and his cord prolapsed, tomorrow 2 months since kenny was born.

    i definitely feel like things are lighter now than they were a month ago, but i have moments almost every day - and sometimes still entire days - when i feel very weighed down. you hear people say you can never conceive of how much a mother loves her children until you are a mother yourself - i have been awed and terrified at how much i love my son - and i never even got to hold him alive.

  3. I feel like my grief is lighter this week, but ask me again next week and who knows. It's so up and down, this crappy grief thing.

    As for Eclipse? I hate Twilight! Read the first book and thought it was absolutely hillarious (not in a good way though). Sorry, I know most of the world disagrees with me. :)

  4. Wow! I have been completely obsessed with "Heavy in Your Arms" for a couple of weeks now. I think it is a spot-on description of living in grief.

    As far as passing time... I think we become used to the weight of our grief. But, at least for me, I find it is still there. I might not think about it for awhile - but suddenly I look over my shoulder and see the huge weight I am carrying. And then it all comes rushing back. For awhile.

    On a happier note - Eclipse! Very excited! I loved the books years ago, before anyone knew anything about them. So it's crazy to see how big it is now. Hope you enjoyed the movie!

  5. I'm sorry to hear your grief has felt so heavy recently. I stumbled across your blog in search of others who have dealt with infant loss. My husband & I just lost our daughter about a week ago at 23wks into my pregnancy, we're having a very difficult time to say the least & just trying to connect with others who understand our grief. I too wonder if it will ever get easier & how we'll move forward.