Friday night I couldn't sleep. Earlier in the evening we had watched the movie "The Help". I had read the book and was looking forward to seeing the movie. Brian was sitting watching with me and he seemed to be enjoying it....until we got to the part where Celia has her miscarriage in the bathroom. As she's burying the box in the backyard under a rosebush, Brian turns to me and says "Why didn't you warn me?"
Ah yes. Woman laying on the floor. Blood soaking the bathroom. That is a sore spot.
So Friday night as I lay in bed I couldn't help thinking about Aidan, and how the next day, Saturday December 3rd was the 2 year anniversary of my positive pregnancy test with him. I remember that day so clearly. I was so excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Relieved. I never, ever, could have guessed what would happen over the next couple of months. And I wondered, would I have wanted to be forewarned? In that moment when those two lines popped into existence, would I have wanted to know what was coming next? Probably not. Getting that positive test is like jumping off a cliff. You can't go back, so why ruin the moment?
Christmas this year will be easier than last year...but not perfect.
Never perfect.
december 3 was also the day i found out i was pregnant with kenny. i drove to annapolis first thing that morning for my blood-draw. got rear-ended in my brand-new car, and the jerk drove off! luckily, i got his tag number, when i got off the bridge, stopped to call the police, filed the report, was late to my appointment, later to school than i had planned to be. in the meantime had a rather unpleasant conversation with my husband about the car that just pissed me off even more. had an awful day at school. then at the very end of the day, realized i had a voicemail from my nurse at the fertility clinic. sure she was just telling me i wasn't pregnant, i listened with half an ear while i tried to clean up my email before leaving for the day. boy, was i surprised when she said i was pregnant! i, too, remember EVERYTHING of that day SO, so clearly.
ReplyDeletevery glad christmas will be easier for you this year, but i wish aidan could be with you too.
Thank you so much for writing about that part in The Help. Family members have been bugging me right and left to read the book/see the movie... and I'm so glad I have put it off. I really have a hard time reading/seeing stuff like that in media.
ReplyDeleteIt also makes me think - wtf?? These people know I have had 3 miscarriages. Why in the world are they recommending it to me?
Anyways
Christmas this year is much, much happier than the last few years. But you are right, it's not completely perfect. I'm not angry or bitter about it not being perfect... but it sure makes the holidays bittersweet.
I wouldn't trade my first BFP experience for anything, either. Even knowing how it would end.
Never perfect is right. Our little ones will always be missing <3 Hugs to you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI read the book and saw the movie, too. That scene was very hard for me to watch/read.
ReplyDelete"Never perfect"...so true.