Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve

One year ago today, I woke up early to make sure that my pregnancy test was negative before stopping the Progesterone. To my utter surprise, it was positive. It felt like a Christmas miracle...that went totally off the rails come March.

Yet here we are one year later. Preparing once again for the Christmas festivities at our relatives' houses, but having to take into account nap times, pumping schedules, diaper bags, and bringing extra changes of clothes in case of 'poo-splosions'.

It's wonderful.

This year has been a crazy ride. From the highest of highs to the lowest of the black, deep, dark pits, and back into the light again. I feel so incredibly grateful for life to be as good as it is right now.

I often look back on this last year and wonder "how the hell did we get so lucky?!!" Because we did. I know we did. When I think of all the terrible things that could have gone wrong between the time of my water breaking, to when Kaia was born, I shutter and internally shy away from remembering those awful weeks. I still to this day cannot read my blog posts between March 24th and July 9th of this year. It just brings back the hurt and the fear, and I'm not ready to mentally revisit that time yet.

People often wonder why bad things happen to them. I know I did after Aidan died. Why did he die? Why my son? Why him? Why our family? But the other side of that, is of course, questioning why do good things happen to us? Why did Kaia live? Why did we get so lucky? Why did she beat the statistics and come out (almost, dislocated hip aside) perfect? The nurse practitioner I was telling my story to at Kaia's pre-anesthesia appointment this week said that 'it gave her chills'.

Too true, lady.

I don't know why things worked out so well for us the 2nd time around. I don't know if it's something I did or didn't do. I don't know if it was luck or genetics or fate, or some combination thereof. If so, why did Kaia have it and Aidan didn't? I will never know...but I am eternally grateful for the life and health of my second child. And I'm so happy to be celebrating the holidays with my wonderful husband, and little miracle girl.

I hope all of you out there in blog land find some peace and joy in your lives this holiday season.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

And sloppy, drooly, kisses from Kaia.

Have you ever questioned why you got 'lucky' either baby-making or otherwise? How did you reconcile yourself to the fact that others don't?


  1. I dont have any answers, but I just wanted to say Kaia looks soooo cute!!!!! I hope you have a beautiful christmas day

  2. Look at that baby. she is the picture of health and happiness! I know it might not be the case exactly ;) but she is BEAUTIFUL! Hard to believe what a hard time she and you both had with her coming into this world.

    You are clearly amazing and doing a great job with her!

    Merry Christmas Kaia and Aidan :-)

  3. Merry Christmas Emily. You have definitely had a wild ride this year and no can say why it turned out okay for Kaia and not for Aidan. Enjoy those drooly kisses.

  4. Look at that sweet chunka monka!
    I am always remembering Aidan with you.. and I know how Christmas brings so many of the questions right out into the center of our universe (but really are they ever not there!?).
    I'll email you about the comment you left.. no answers but this particular RE does have a fascination with these measurements..

  5. It's hard when there are so many questions that are impossible to answer. Enjoy your beautiful Kaia that you worked so hard to keep safe. Wishing you the best of luck this coming year!

  6. Hey, love the picture! is it too late to take one with Emma in a Christmas hat even if it is no longer Christmas? Haha. A Happy New Year to you and your family!

  7. Oh my goodness, she is beautiful. Happy New Year to you and your family. I always wonder 'why' one of my children didn't get to be here with us, but considerate myself truly lucky to have two here by my side. I know there are so many that have a harder path and if Oliver taught me one thing it is to cherish every day I'm given. That's what I try to do.

  8. She is SO beautiful. What a lovely photograph. I DID go back and re-read those posts from March onward and it just really reminded that your daughter was up against some staggering odds there. A crazy ride is an understatement really! But look at those beautiful little arms and that smile.

    The final paragraph, well, I think I will always wonder why one of my twins survived and the other died. And the questions in combination are enough to drive you mad. I wonder why she died? And equally I wonder why her sister lived? I don't know what the odds of surviving such an early birth are, you would know far better than I do, but I know they aren't great.

    I don't think I will ever be reconciled to the fact that some, deserving, people never get 'lucky', I just can't seem to square it in a way that brings me any peace with the situation xo