WHY!!!!!!?????

I am so ANGRY. I just want to know WHY?? Why did this happen AGAIN? All the terrible things that happened during Aidan's pregnancy, from the first trimester bleeding, to the subchorionic hemorrhage, to the pPROM was all attributed to the terrible condition my placenta was eventually found in. Totally no one's fault...just bad luck....not likely to reoccur.

Until it does.

This rupture feels like it was preventable.

We went to the doctor's almost 3 weeks ago. I complained of vaginal irritation, and increased (lightly bloody) vaginal discharge. He said it likely wasn't an infection. I even made them take a swab which came back 'negative' for infection...

...but what if they had put me on antibiotics prophylatically?

Then, over a week after that appointment, I mentioned to my doctor AGAIN that I was still having the same bleeding and irritation...and once again it was dismissed as 'a pregnancy thing'. My cervix was determined at the ultrasound that day to be 3.2 cm in length. I asked if that was normal. He said it was. But what if I have a dynamic cervix? What if they'd checked my cervix via vaginal ultrasound rather than abdominal? Would they have seen something abnormal? The vaginal irritation always felt worse when I was up moving around. If you could check my cervix in a different position other than laying down, would they have noticed it was shorter or funnelling?

Why was my history blown off as a 'fluke'? I had pPROM in my last pregnancy. No matter WHAT the condition my placenta was in, that's a pretty rare thing to have at 13 weeks pregnant. And what if the membrane rupture actually helped to CAUSE the damage to my placenta last time? What if the loss of fluid came first? I didn't realize last time that my membranes had even ruptured so it was not checked right away. What if all the damage to the placenta came (mostly) afterwards? It's the old chicken or the egg question. What if I'd had a cerclage placed this time? Would I be right now making a birthday celebration dinner for my mom (my original plan for this weekend)? Would I have avoided any bleeding at ALL in this pregnancy?

Instead I'm sitting here in bed, trying to avoid moving to avoid any leaking. I want to cry and throw things and scream, but I have to lie as still as possible. I'm desperately trying to feel if Acorn is still moving. I'm afraid to use my doppler and hear silence...

...and yet at least that would be a resolution.

For any of you who have been on bed rest with an uncertain outcome you'll know how futile it feels. Each day feels like a month. Every day is soul-sucking. I'm technically still pregnant but it no longer contains any joy. I get to lay here, all day, afraid that I'll spike a fever and get an infection that will hurt my heart, or that the baby will die. Or that I'll keep going with the pregnancy and the baby will be born with the inability to breathe and die anyway. Or that we'll make it to the NICU and the baby will have breathing difficulties, get NEC, have brain hemorrhages etc etc. This was the EXACT thing I was dreading and prayed would not happen again. Another pregnancy loss would have been devastating no matter what but that it is happening in the same fashion makes it a thousand times worse.

I'm sure my doctor will recommend termination and a part of me wants to go with that. I feel like a bad mom even admitting that, but I'm not sure I have it in me to do days, weeks (months?) of bed rest only to have another dead baby. It's physically, mentally, emotionally, not to mention financially draining and just gets you more attached to a baby that doesn't have a good chance of coming home safely. Plus it puts me at risk of infection, and blood clots. I understand where the doctors are coming from when they tell you to 'cut your losses' so to speak. I SO just wanted an average pregnancy...not another high wire tight rope act.

But how can I give up on Acorn? I love this baby as much as I love Aidan and I want to believe it's possible for him or her to be okay and come home with us. I felt like we gave Aidan every shot we could to live, so how could I deny the same chance to Acorn? Plus you never know when you just might get a 'miracle' (as much as I hate using that word). There are stories you read about pPROM where women have lasted weeks or months with ruptured membranes and delivered babies that eventually come home.

I don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't in this position.

Again.