Friday, March 25, 2011

Dying

Things are no longer going to be okay.

My membranes ruptured yesterday. It was confirmed as amniotic fluid in Emerg.

We are devastated. Our families are devastated. Our friends and work colleagues are all so sorry for us.

Again.

I cannot believe this happened. Again.

I am at home. On bed rest. Again. I am leaking fluid every time I move too quickly or get up to pee. Again. My husband is doing everything for me and we are just laying around the house trying to come to grips with the fact that once AGAIN we are going to have to make hard decisions about the future of our unborn child. Induce to reduce infection risk? Continue on mind, body and spirit numbing bed rest in the hopes that maybe I'll make it to the point where Acorn MIGHT have a chance? Continue with this pregnancy in hopes of at least getting to hold our baby alive again, get to see his or her face and marvel (once again) how cute and adorable he or she is, even in death. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and there is (once again) little to no hope that Acorn is going to be born healthy and/or alive.

How does one recover from this? I've read the postings and the blogs of couples who have had to face more than one tragedy of this magnitude and I never knew quite how they scraped themselves back up off the ground. There seems little point. If what you create out of love and hope and dreams for the future is doomed to die, what keeps people going? How can my body fail so spectacularly a second time?

We are crushed under the weight of this.

I miss Acorn already.

I have only questions and no one out in blog land can answer them.

41 comments:

  1. Words aren't enough. I'm so, so sorry...

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  2. I'm absolutely gutted to read this, and so very very sorry. There are no words to express what I really want to say, but I will be thinking of you and your family over the coming weeks/months etc. Take care.

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  3. Words are so inadequate. Sending you all my love, hugs and strength. Keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts and prayers. xx

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  4. I am terribly sorry that this is happening again. There are no words to bring comfort in a situation like this. I'll be thinking about you.

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  5. My heart sank when I read your blog title...I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you, some way to take away the pain and devastation. This is beyond cruel and unfair. You are in my thoughts. Hoping you feel surrounded by the love and support of many during this unimaginable time.

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  6. Oh, Emily, I'm so, so sorry. I don't have any answers for you, but I hate that this is happening to you. I'm sending love and biding with you here.

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  7. I'm so sorry Emily. What is happening to you is just so unimaginably awful and all any of us can do is say, "I'm here, thinking of you and Acorn and Aidan."

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  8. I wish there were better words than just I'm sorry. It's horrible that this is happening to you again. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  9. Oh Emily! I am so sorry. I had such high hopes. I can't stand that this has happened to you and your husband and Acorn. I've lost 3 times now, but only one in the second trimester so I won't pretend to know how that feels. I am just devastated for you. Multiple loss is hard and gut wrenching, but you will go on because you have to. The dark, dark days will come back and they will slowly brighten again.

    I'm just so sorry.

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  10. That's incredibly sad. I'm really sorry it's happened to you twice already.

    This may not be the time, but if you do read this, here's a story:

    Jimmy Needham and his wife, Kelly, has gone through THREE miscarriages. That's a tall order for anyone to go through. I personally couldn't get through one, much less two or three.

    Anyway, after three of them, they found out that she had some kind of problem with her reproductive organs that made it practically impossible for a baby to live in.

    But they finally got a doctor to tell them what was wrong, and were able to make it to where they could bring a baby to term. They had no idea until after the third one, so they just thought it was bad luck until then.

    Maybe you have what she had and you don't know it. I don't know, I just hope you find some peace somewhere.

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  11. Oh sweet Emily. I rarely *actually* cry when I read a blog post, but I can assure you I am crying tears of despair for you now. It felt like someone dropped a lead weight on my heart when I read the title of this post. And I know that doesn't even come close to how you are feeling right now.
    All I've got is hope. I will continue to hope for you, in whichever way I can.
    I'm so very, very sorry.
    Sending all the love I can muster.
    xo

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  12. Oh honey... Words cannot even begin... In 2008, I delivered my son at 16w, but was able to carry my daughter 2 more weeks, before she was delivered. Later that year, I delivered my 17w son, a few days after his water broke. My OB was the sweetest man and I remember him telling me stories of how he's seen people continue on weeks in pregnancy... I wasnt one of those cases, but I held on to that home... And I hope that you will too. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me.
    Michele from My Life After Loss
    & Mending Heart Bellies

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  13. Oh Emily. My heart dropped and just shattered for you and your family when I read this. Like everyone else I don't have words, just know I'm here. Love to you and your sweet Acorn babe and lots of hope too.

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  14. Oh Emily, I am so sorry. Truly, this is unthinkable and so, so unfair. I'm sending love your way and hopes for some peace in a terrible situation.

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  15. NO NO NO NO NO Emily... OH MY GOD, I cannot believe it- I mean, I just lost my own rainbow baby but I STILL cannot believe it.... life is just so fucking UNFAIR. I AM SO SORRY. :tears: My heart is breaking for you.

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  16. I have come over from a friend of yours who posted for all BLMs to ban together for you! I am sooooooo incredibly sorry!! i cannot even imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. You will be in my prayers that God may gran a miracle! i see you lost your darling Aiden the day after I lost my beautiful rosalynn....i am so sorry!

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  17. I don't even know what to say; it is so cruel and unfair for the universe to take not one, but TWO healthy, normal pregnancies from you. I've been following you for a while now, and this honestly brings me to tears. I am so sorry.

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  18. So very sorry to read these words. I know from experience there is NOTHING that can make you feel any better, other than a miracle. I and my friends will be lighting our candles and saying our prayers for you, Aidan, and your Acorn. <3 from all of us.

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  19. ( I was told about your blog from a dear from Angela)

    I am SO SORRY You are experiencing this all over again. I can never have a reason that will be easy to hear or worth the explanation. Pregnancy should NEVER be this hard, this traumatic and painful to experience. i am praying so hard for you and your husband to gain the courage you will need in the next weeks. Again, My heart hurts for you and I wish you didnt have to know this pain <3

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  20. oh, emily. i am in tears for you here. simply SO sorry. this is heartbreaking and just simply unfair.

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  21. My heart aches for you...I am thinking of you, your husband, Aidan and Acorn <3

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  22. I am so sorry you are going through this. I found you through Angela. I have lost 2 in the 2nd trimester...the first time was my 3 year old's twin and I had to reabsorb that baby while carrying Jessica to term. I did not grieve that loss much until I lost our Abigail Eden nearly a year ago at 16 weeks. I don't have an answer because I don't know if you ever recover from this. I am still struggling. Again I am so sorry and I will be praying for you.
    Jen
    jenchic.blogspot.com

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  23. When I saw your blog post, my heart broke for you. I know there are no words. You have been on my mind all night. Thinking of you and wishing you didn't have to go through more devastation. Sending you love and hugs. <3

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  24. My dear friend,
    I'm so very sorry for what you are going through again. This is so unfair...and I feel for the loss you are experiencing. Please know my thoughts are with you and I'm sending much love your way....to you and your little Acorn. ((hugs))

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  25. I am so sorry that this is happening again to you. It is horrible and so unfair. I hope that things go as smoothly as they possibly can in this awful situation.

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  26. I am so sorry Emily. Thoughts and prayers with your family and especially acorn.

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  27. This so sucks and is so unfair and undeserved. I know no words that any of us can say could possibly fix anything. Know you have my deepest support and sympathy and all the internet hugs I can wish your way.

    I'm so, so sorry.

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  28. Oh, Emily. There are no words...I am SO sorry you are going through this and my heart hurts for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  29. Sending much love, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  30. Followed over from Angela's blog. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Thinking of you and sending love~

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  31. I lost my daughter though in a different way, I am so so sorry you're going through this AGAIN. There's no words to really say how horribly unfair this is but I am truly sorry and thinking of you. <3 <3 <3

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  32. I am so sorry. I am shocked numb and heartsick for you. Have they checked for infections why this keeps happening? There are no words to describe the pain you are feeling. I am grief stricken for you.

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  33. I am so sorry, life is so unfair.

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  34. I am so sorry. Please check out this website if you don't know it already (it's about premature rupture of the membranes), I hope it will give you HOPE.
    http://www.kanalen.org/prom/

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  35. This infection comes to mind as a possibility: Chorioamnionitis.I remember I read a blog of someone who had it and had one abruption and stillbirth due to it and an almost-miss with a second baby as well as it went undetected and untreated. It might be a possibility to have checked out just in case,may explain recurrant prematurity/losses:
    http://my.clevelandclinic.org/healthy_living/pregnancy/hic_chorioamnionitis.aspx

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  36. I'm so sorry and just heartbroken for you. Hoping and praying for you, your husband and little Acorn. Love to you three...

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  37. Words are not enough, but they are all I have to offer. Tears fill my eyes. And if this is I how feel, I can only imagine what you are experiencing. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know I cannot take away your pain, and make the though decisions for you, but I am here to walk with you, as best as I am able.

    From the deep depths of sorrow, my love and hope are with you.

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  38. I'm devastated for you and your husband and for Acorn. I'm so so so sorry. Words aren't enough but I'm thinking of you.

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  39. I've been clicking on your blog for a few days now, just in case my live-feed wasn't updating.

    I am so, so very sorry that this is happening again. I'm thinking of you and your husband and your Acorn.

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