Work worries

So, things are fine in case you've been wondering. At least, I think they're fine...but as we all know the wheels on the bus can fall off fast even when you think you're being careful...so I'll just say as far as I know, things are fine.

So we are at 13 weeks and 2 days (3 days in a couple of hours) and so far I've had nothing untoward happen after stopping the progesterone the weekend before last. I don't know the half life of progesterone, but I'm going to assume it is out of my system by now.

Now that the first trimester is over, the fear of early miscarriage is waning, but of course other fears crop up in its place. Like the fear of late miscarriage, genetic defects, pre-term birth, pre-eclampsia, stillbirth, and oh yes, my personal fear of my heart failing on me. And those are just all the disasters I can think of right now.

My 'heart fear' is beginning to increase. I noticed once I hit 12 weeks that I started feeling more 'heart tired'. Stairs are becoming *slightly* more difficult and my heart feels like it is working just a *wee* bit harder doing regular daily activities. I've gone to taking my pulse and blood pressure at work just to keep track and so far my heart rate is it's normal high 90s to low 100s. So the question becomes "Is this normal pregnancy changes? Do others feel this way?" or "Am I just stressing myself out and increasing my own heart rate by worrying about it?" (a distinct possibility when we are talking about me). It's hard to know because I've never been a person with a normal heart. And by this time in Aidan's pregnancy I was already on bed rest, so didn't have to contend with work and chores. My biggest tasks each day when I was pregnant with Aidan was getting myself lunch, changing the DVD in the Playstation, and the inevitable trips to the bathroom (oh and of course the daily mantra of hoping things would end well...that didn't pay off).

All of this current pregnancy stress is also getting mixed up with work stress. If you were following my posts last summer, the current job that I'm doing is a contract position. I couldn't bear the thought of returning to the NICU after Aidan died, so I was glad to get this much lower stress, much better hours position, even though the contract is up at the end of March 2011. At the time I didn't care that it was a contract, because I could only imagine life a few weeks into the future. After Aidan died, I couldn't concentrate 'on my career'. All I wanted was a job that got me out of where I was. But, now it's March 2011. We haven't heard yet, but there is a distinct possibility that this contract could be made permanent. Which would be awesome. However, I am holding off on telling my work colleagues and my manager that I'm pregnant until I know if I have a permanent position. I don't know if this is being sneaky or not, but hey, I figure I have to protect my own interests and I want to give them no reason to decide to get rid of me. But hello, I'm 13 weeks pregnant here. Give me a few more weeks and it's going to be pretty damn hard to hide that I'm pregnant. Baggy scrubs and zip up hoodies can only conceal a baby bump for so long.

My heart defect worries me regarding my job, because there is a distinct possibility that I'll be off work early on sick leave. I asked my OB a week and a half ago at our 12 week appointment when he thought I might be off and his response was "whenever you feel like it's too much, I'll take you off". I was hoping to make it to 28 weeks at least, but with already feeling tired, I don't know if that's feasible.

So if the job becomes permanent and I get to stay, great! But I feel bad that a few weeks after they make me a permanent staff member on this unit I might be telling my manager "Oh yeah, I'll be on sick leave until my baby's born and then I'll be off for my year's maternity leave...see you in late 2012!". It would be my right and entitlement...but still I feel bad about it. Not to mention what going off on leave with only half pay will do to our finances. I HATE being seen as shirking my responsibilities, but my biggest concern is to get this baby to term (or close enough) with my heart in good shape. Anything other than that must come second.

I just hope everyone at work sees it that way too.