Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Or your money back, guaranteed

I have recently discovered

I freaking LOVE this site. I could spend hours just browsing. What's really funny is I would have NO time for this in a regular mall or store. I'm not the type of person who goes shopping just to go shopping (unless it's in a bookstore). But I'm a huge fan of Internet browsing. I started off looking for a nice Aidan commemorative necklace that I would like to get. I have a few ideas in mind. Then I branched out thinking I could get some (very) early Christmas shopping done. I have a few things picked out for my sister-in-law and my friend and her daughter. I see a ton of wonderful things that I want, and at a click of a button they could be mine.

If only the rest of life could be like that.

As I'm browsing along, I'm reminded of shopping for my wedding. I spent A TON of time on-line (over the TWO YEARS I was engaged) finding ideas and things to make my day special. And it was. My day was awesome and came off without a hitch. I have nothing but wonderful memories of planning my wedding and I enjoyed the day immensely. My planning paid off in spades.

I wish planning my baby(ies?) was like that. I miss that sense of certainty about my future. I miss the idea that if I work hard enough, plan enough, save enough, am organized enough, that I can make my dreams come true.

What makes it so hard sometimes, is that I know it is that easy for some people. My cousin and his wife got married last September. It was his second marriage, her first. They had a baby in June of this year. Doing the math, I realize they must have gotten pregnant either the first or second cycle after they got married. They had the on-line equivalent of clicking "Add to Cart" and then "Proceed to Checkout".

I've never really been a jealous person. The only time in my life I've felt real envy was just after I decided not to pursue medical school. Then I would run into old friends who were in med school, or saw groups of students leaving the Medical Sciences building at my University and knew they had succeed at a dream I once held (and felt sadness giving up). But even then I was able to console myself with the fact that I COULD have been one of those students if I had wanted to keep working at it. If I had applied and kept applying until I made it. Could have done it if I had gone overseas or to the States. If I had really REALLY wanted to, I could have been a doctor. Could still be, I suppose.

But there is no consoling myself with the loss of Aidan. I did my absolute best to keep him safe. I did everything right. I rested, I ate well, I took vitamins, I drank water, I saw specialists, I prayed. And he still died.

My best wasn't good enough.

And there is no guarantee that it will ever be good enough. That my body will ever produce a living, healthy child the way I want it to. No guarantee that my heart will withstand the extra strain and grant me a long life with my (pleasepleaseplease) future child. No guarantee I will ever take my own child to the zoo, like we did last weekend with my friend's daughter. No guarantee I will ever shop on Etsy for things for my baby, and not someone else's.

I wish I could have a guarantee. Is that too much to ask?

Have you ever been jealous of anyone outside of being a babylost mama? When and why? How does the jealousy of those who aren't part of the dead baby club compare?


  1. If you find any way to get that guarantee, let me know. I'm in for one! I am insanely jealous of two friends - one just had a baby a week after Caleb's due date and the other is due in December. I am happy for them...but there's ALWAYS a twinge of sadness whenever I see or hear anything about their babies. I was looking at pics of the newborn yesterday and didn't even realize I had tears streaming down my face the whole time. Yikes. Luckily no one saw.

    And you JUST discovered Etsy??? OMG. Welcome to the best thing EVER. Let me know if you need any recommendations for, well, pretty much anything. I got so many wedding things on there, have bought jewelry, home decor, clothes, Xmas presents...and in my "Nursery/Baby" bookmark folder (sob) there are hundreds of things I want.

  2. my jealousy right now is directed toward my four friends all having boys, all due w/in 3 months after my due date. two have been born already. alive and well, perfect, and already home with their new parents.

    those friends maintain their confidence that this is simply the way it's meant to be, and that they will some day continue to grow their families without any obstacles (and none of them had trouble getting pregnant, either!)

  3. I have felt the jealousy. I feel it a little everyday when I see a pregnant woman. I'm jealous of the pregnant women who don't know about baby loss, who just think that their pregnancy will actually result in a living baby that they can take home.

    My sister is pregnant now. I'm jealous that she is pregnant, I'm jealous that she is nauseous and tired. I am ashamed of myself for being jealous, but I would gladly feel as sick as she does if I was just pregnant again.

    I thought I would be a nurse when I was in high school. But I took OAC chemistry and calculus and my plans started to change a little. But I could have done it, my grades were high enough. I loved the medical stuff, just not the math part so much. When I was in the hospital having Jacob, I thought of how I could have been a nurse and helped others going through this. I wish I was now. I know too much about babyloss, but I could help people through it more.

  4. I also LOVE etsy, I've ordered two things off of there in the past week!
    I'm definitely feeling jealousy a lot lately, as you said jealousy towards others who have it so easy and don't even realize this type of loss happens. Also anger & jealousy towards people who complain about the children they do have and/or neglect them.
    I could really relate to when you said that even though you did everything right you lost Aidan and you wonder if you'll ever have another baby again. I too feel so hopeless at times, because I was so careful and did everything by the book with my pregnant and yet I still lost Lily and because of our infertility problems I know I'll never have another biological child, it's so hard some days to accept that. On top of grieving for her I've had to grieve that loss. After a lot of pain and tears I have let go of having a biological child and am hopeful that we will have a baby through either embryo adoption or domestic infant adoption. Don't get me wrong some days it still really hurts that we can't just have a child of our own, but I have at least made it to the point of acceptance and I think that's worth a lot.
    Thinking of you & praying that you're able to have another baby who fills your heart with joy and happiness.