Monday, July 25, 2011

Blip

Day 16

Yesterday we had Kaia out of her isolette and I was even trying to do some non-nutritive sucking with her (where you pump off as much milk as you can and then have the baby try to 'practice' feeding, so they don't get a big gush of milk). Anyway, Brian and I had her out of her isolette for about 2 hours and at first she was doing really well...but near the two hour mark she started to have a few more desats than usual. We decided she'd had enough and put her back in her isolette and shortly after went home. We called an hour or so later and the nurse said she was breathing kind of fast, but otherwise seemed fine.

Overnight however, she started to have a few more desats into the 80s, and her respiratory rate remained high. When I called around 3am, the nurse said she had started her on low flow (oxygen via nasal prongs) at 75cc. By 6am they decided to draw blood cultures, just in case. Over the day, her respiratory rate has remained higher than even her usual fast respiratory rate (her usual was 60s-70s and today it's been more like 80s to 90s). They did a chest x-ray and blood work and nothing has come back showing anything out of the ordinary. She seemed a little better tonight when we were there. Calm, but reactive. They aren't going to start her on antibiotics unless she shows any other signs of being sick.

I, however, LOST it. I've been crying, or on the verge of tears almost all day. Nurse me realizes that she's really actually doing okay, and while this might be a bit of a setback, she's still small and it's to be expected with all she's been through. I mean, just over two weeks ago she was intubated and on nitric oxide for goodness sake. She's done really well and we just have to be patient and wait for her to get bigger and stronger. The hospital she's in is doing all the right things and she's safe and not in any real distress.

Mom me however, is scared and worried and upset. I'm so afraid of being away from her and yet when I'm there beside her isolette I'm watching her like a hawk and just waiting for the alarms to ring off. I'm exhausted from crying and pumping and crying some more. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to be safe.

It didn't help that today was the day Brian was supposed to go back to work. At 6am after we heard about the blood cultures we decided that he would stay home even though he's out of paid time off. I'm glad he did though, because I wouldn't have been able to cope today without him. He does need to go back soon though.

I just want my girlie to be okay. These last two weeks of planning for a baby to come home have been wonderful. I have so enjoyed my break from constant stress and worry.

I need my Kaia to be okay. If you have any positive energy vibes left in you to spare, please send them this way. Hopefully things are brighter in the morning.

30 comments:

  1. Signed, sealed, and delivered. ;)
    Sorry you had a set-back, hope its just a short little blip on your radar and you can move forward from here. :)

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  2. Sending good strong vibes and prayers to Kaia!

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  3. Sending them now ...

    I am sorry Kaia had a little set-back, hope all is well from here on out. And I hope you are recovering and feeling okay physically.

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  4. sending all i have to your little one.
    xoxo
    lis

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  5. I am looking at the picture in your last post.. She is here Emily.. and there are so many people (myself included) sending love and strength to you and your daughter. Hold tight....

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  6. xo...hugs and prayers. The nurse you is very smart, the mom you is very emotional. Maybe set your you to nurse for the next couple of days...

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  7. Tons of hugs and prayers. I am listening to nurse you and believe everything will be okay!

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  8. I so love her picture! I am keeping you guys in my thoughts. It feels to me like it is going to be ok though.

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  9. Hoping, praying, and sending many good vibes your way!

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  10. It's difficult being the mom in this situation. I remember the nurses telling me when things were nothing to worry about and I STILL freaked out. Just think of all the progress she's made, she's doing amazingly!

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  11. Sending little Kaia all my love. And to you, too.
    xo

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  12. Kaia has a crazy tough Momma and she is just like you! She may have things a little rough at first too, but just like you, she WILL come through on the other side and be fine! You did it and she will too! One iffy day does not negate all the good days that she has had so far! Don't loose faith in your little girl!

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  13. In reading this I got the impression you were somehow apologetic for worrying...DON'T BE! You're a NICU nurse, yes, and this is a small setback in the grand scheme of things based on what you described, but this is YOUR BABY and given your history...well, cut yourself some slack is what I'm trying to say. Thinking positive thoughts from my lurky little corner of the innernet!

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  14. Sending all my prayers and happy vibes your way. Kaia is a little fighter and she'll get through this, she's just starting in on scaring the bejeezus out of you a little early.

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  15. All positive energy and love to you and your little fighter Kaia xxx

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  16. I had set-backs with my preemie too; he was even supposed to come home on a certain day but then his temp. dropped and they kept him longer and I felt not only scared and worried but angry, hurt and betrayed. He had lots of apnea periods as well but in the end he was fine and we brought him home, but I know it's hard and nights were the worst; I was always afraid of getting a call from the hospital that something was wrong.It was a very fearful,worrisome, uncertain, and stressful time.

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  17. (((((HEALTHY VIBES)))))) & (((((HEALING VIBES)))) are headed in your direction. Hang in there mama!

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  18. Sending you all the positive, healthy vibes that I can.


    ((HUGS))

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  19. Huge hugs and positive vibes all around!!

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  20. Positive vibes heading across the ocean to you all. Ax

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  21. Sending you and little Kaia Acorn all the positive vibes I can. I know this sort of scare often happens with preemies, but I admit I was hoping you'd (finally) get a break. I can only imagine how scary it was, and I hope all is well again very, very soon.

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  22. Thinking of you and your sweet baby girl! Sending lots of strength and positive thoughts your way!

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  23. thinking of kaia and sending positive vibes to her! I can't wait til you guys get to take her home when she's ready.

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  24. Aw, so sorry. I have no iexperience of the nicu process and your post terrified me, I have never even met Kaia but I want her to do well and get home with you so quickly. I am thinking of you and hoping your daughter makes quick progress.

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  25. I freaked the F out when They had to put my son back on oxygen after being off for awhile. You know all the mantras about NICU setbacks and I had heard them as well. But the emotional side cant help but be worried and scared and feel defeated. Like everything your little one has accomplished over the past week didn't happen. But this is totally normal preemie behavior. And totally normal preemie Mom reaction! and she will most likely bounce back faster from it then when she had to be weaned last time. things were just moving a little too fast for her. She is still doing fantastically! I know you know that!

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  26. All my best thoughts heading your way.

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  27. Sending good wishes your way!

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  28. Hoping the Kaia has bounced back today and is back to steadily improving so she can come home and snuggle with you full time.

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  29. Sending you positive energy and hoping that things have been better the last couple of days.

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  30. Thinking about you all the time and praying Kaia and her mommy are doing well!

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