Saturday, March 26, 2011


I am so ANGRY. I just want to know WHY?? Why did this happen AGAIN? All the terrible things that happened during Aidan's pregnancy, from the first trimester bleeding, to the subchorionic hemorrhage, to the pPROM was all attributed to the terrible condition my placenta was eventually found in. Totally no one's fault...just bad luck....not likely to reoccur.

Until it does.

This rupture feels like it was preventable.

We went to the doctor's almost 3 weeks ago. I complained of vaginal irritation, and increased (lightly bloody) vaginal discharge. He said it likely wasn't an infection. I even made them take a swab which came back 'negative' for infection...

...but what if they had put me on antibiotics prophylatically?

Then, over a week after that appointment, I mentioned to my doctor AGAIN that I was still having the same bleeding and irritation...and once again it was dismissed as 'a pregnancy thing'. My cervix was determined at the ultrasound that day to be 3.2 cm in length. I asked if that was normal. He said it was. But what if I have a dynamic cervix? What if they'd checked my cervix via vaginal ultrasound rather than abdominal? Would they have seen something abnormal? The vaginal irritation always felt worse when I was up moving around. If you could check my cervix in a different position other than laying down, would they have noticed it was shorter or funnelling?

Why was my history blown off as a 'fluke'? I had pPROM in my last pregnancy. No matter WHAT the condition my placenta was in, that's a pretty rare thing to have at 13 weeks pregnant. And what if the membrane rupture actually helped to CAUSE the damage to my placenta last time? What if the loss of fluid came first? I didn't realize last time that my membranes had even ruptured so it was not checked right away. What if all the damage to the placenta came (mostly) afterwards? It's the old chicken or the egg question. What if I'd had a cerclage placed this time? Would I be right now making a birthday celebration dinner for my mom (my original plan for this weekend)? Would I have avoided any bleeding at ALL in this pregnancy?

Instead I'm sitting here in bed, trying to avoid moving to avoid any leaking. I want to cry and throw things and scream, but I have to lie as still as possible. I'm desperately trying to feel if Acorn is still moving. I'm afraid to use my doppler and hear silence...

...and yet at least that would be a resolution.

For any of you who have been on bed rest with an uncertain outcome you'll know how futile it feels. Each day feels like a month. Every day is soul-sucking. I'm technically still pregnant but it no longer contains any joy. I get to lay here, all day, afraid that I'll spike a fever and get an infection that will hurt my heart, or that the baby will die. Or that I'll keep going with the pregnancy and the baby will be born with the inability to breathe and die anyway. Or that we'll make it to the NICU and the baby will have breathing difficulties, get NEC, have brain hemorrhages etc etc. This was the EXACT thing I was dreading and prayed would not happen again. Another pregnancy loss would have been devastating no matter what but that it is happening in the same fashion makes it a thousand times worse.

I'm sure my doctor will recommend termination and a part of me wants to go with that. I feel like a bad mom even admitting that, but I'm not sure I have it in me to do days, weeks (months?) of bed rest only to have another dead baby. It's physically, mentally, emotionally, not to mention financially draining and just gets you more attached to a baby that doesn't have a good chance of coming home safely. Plus it puts me at risk of infection, and blood clots. I understand where the doctors are coming from when they tell you to 'cut your losses' so to speak. I SO just wanted an average pregnancy...not another high wire tight rope act.

But how can I give up on Acorn? I love this baby as much as I love Aidan and I want to believe it's possible for him or her to be okay and come home with us. I felt like we gave Aidan every shot we could to live, so how could I deny the same chance to Acorn? Plus you never know when you just might get a 'miracle' (as much as I hate using that word). There are stories you read about pPROM where women have lasted weeks or months with ruptured membranes and delivered babies that eventually come home.

I don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't in this position.



  1. Although I dont "know" you, please know I would take this pain away from you if I could. I am SO sorry and I am hurting for you. It brings me back to November, when my daughter was born sleeping after going through the same thing. And I feel like my Dr. failed me. I still feel resentment, even though the outcome may have been the same. I don't know but I am praying for you and I was just myself laying in bed, squeezing my legs together at 17 weeks trying to keep the blood and fluid from leaking out, begging God to save my baby. It sucks.
    I'm SO sorry you are going through this. ((Hugs))

  2. Did they say it truly is a full-on break of the membranes or just a leak? If a leak is small enough it CAN repair itself and seal over and labour can be held off and the pregnancy can continue. They can also give amnio infusions where they replace the lost fluid.An infection certainly makes sense, esp. now it happened twice. You are in my thoughts and prayers.((hugs.))

  3. Oh Emily, I am so sorry. My heart sank when I read this post and your last. It is so cruel and unfair that you are living in this nightmare again. I know that there are no words but please know that I am here. I am sending love and support for you and baby Acorn. Again, I am so sorry mama. <3

  4. I am so sorry and I have been thinking about you all day. I don't know how to say this, but I will do it the best that I can. I had the soul sucking bedrest that you speak of and couldn't even be admitted to the hospital until 6 weeks before she was born because she wasn't viable. I know that our situations are not the same and I don't know if you remember my story, but it was very, very bad. On the day we were told that she would die soon, I wanted to end it because I just couldn't handle it. My husband sat me down, and said, "Let's take this baby all the way." At that point we decided that we would give her the best chance possible, no matter the outcome. It was awful and I did plan for the photographer to come out when she was born dead. My mom bought her a book to read to her and an outfit to wear when she was born sleeping. I prepared for the worst and actually was not positive in spirit at all. She was born at a pound 11 ounces and it has been quite a road. I'm actually in the hospital now with her 8 months later because of eating issues and failure to thrive. I don't know why her life was spared or why i got such a miracle.

    Please consider taking Acorn all the way. That way, your soul can rest in knowing that you did whatever you could. You are already in love with this baby and no matter what choice you make it won't make it any easier.

    I hope that this doesn't anger you. I wasn't going to say anything but I just can't stop thinking about you. I went private in my blog, but if you'd like to read it you can and read about how poorly I did while on bedrest. You can read about how unplanned for her death but waited it out.

    Just consider taking Acorn all of the way, even if it is only for two weeks more. You can do this. I think it will be better for your heart, regardless of what happens.

    Please feel free to delete this comment if it bothers you. It probably would
    have pissed me off if someone had written it to me.

    I'm so sorry.

  5. I'm sorry, there were a few mistakes in my post, as I'm writing from my iPhone in the hospital.

    I meant to say that I planned for her death as I waited it out. It was awful but I wanted to be prepared.

    I watched movies. I took Benedryl to help me sleep away the time. I slept. I blogged. I ate comfort food. I found other women who chose to wait it out and had both good and bad outcomes. There is a website that is for women who choose to carry with a bad prognosis, and that helped me tremendously.

  6. I hate that you're going through this. Could you call your doctor on Monday and ask all of these questions? Is there another doctor that you could see for a 2nd opinion?

    I don't want to make you upset, but is there any way that a cerlage could be placed or has too much happened?

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I thought about you all night here. I wish I was able to come up with something, anything, during all that thinking that might have helped.
    A loss on top of my loss was my worst nightmare. I'm so sorry you are living this.
    I'm sorry a thousand times over.

  8. I haven't stopped thinking of you and what you're going through since I read your last post. Sending my love and my support for any decisions you make.

  9. Emily, I am so sorry. You are constantly on my mind, I am hoping and wishing and praying for a miracle. :(

  10. i wish you weren't in this position, either, emily. i'm so sorry. i've been thinking about you a lot today.

  11. I'm sorry... I remember the doctors bringing up termination of Sophia after Nicholas had been born and we had to ask them to leave... It hurt so much to even think of her dying and then... when she did... My only solace was that it was on her terms, I suppose. Your words take me back to that time, when I was on bedrest indefinitely with her, trying not to move, just hoping beyond hope that she would be okay. THat we would at least get to 24 weeks with her. When my labor started, still too soon, it was too much to handle. Lightening doesnt strike the same tree twice, except when it does... and then does again...

    I know that this is no consolation but ACOGs stance on cervical incompetence blows. You have to lose 2 pregnancies before an OB can officially diagnose you. For me, that ended up being 3 babies, since my first set were twins. It still makes me so angry that ACOG refuses to put out something better... Something that could change so many lives and save so many babies. I was always grateful to my OB for doing his best to save my babies, but, in the end...

    I am so sorry... So very sorry... I'm continuing to hold out hope that little Acorn will fight the statistics and make it into your arms safely.

  12. I have no words. I can only say that I am praying for you and Acorn.

  13. Emily I am so very sorry. I wish you did not have to face this.

  14. If there is a heartbeat, then do whatever you can to let Acorn try to survive. Two of my OBGYNs told me this when my own water broke. Drink TONS of fluids, lie flat (or inverted!) but make sure you check yourself for infection.

    I lost my Aidan due to pPROM, but I had chorioamnionitis/bacterial vaginosis to blame for that. If your doctors can check for that or any other infection, please make them. I had no signs of my infections, not even a temperature, and I wonder if we had been able to catch them earlier and treat with antibiotics (the kind that doesn't make me vomit), then maybe my Aidan would still be growing in my belly.

    I don't mean to worry you, and I'm sorry if I have. I am just hoping so, so much that you and Acorn can get through this.

  15. I have no words either...just came to your blog via so many others thinking of and praying for you....adding myself to that list. I am so sorry...

  16. I haven't been able to keep up reading blogs lately - but please know I have been thinking of you.

    I just went sick reading about what is going on with Acorn. I am so, so sorry. Not that this is any consolation - but I am angry for you. How can doctors not be more on top of stuff? Why is it that they often don't take things seriously in a pregnancy after loss?

    I think back to my failed pregnancies - and while I know it wasn't anyone's faults, I still burn up with anger about all the times I was told, "Don't worry - normal pregnancy stuff. I'm sure you will be fine."

    Why don't they take us seriously???

    I wish there was something I could do. I am out here, praying for a "miracle" outcome for you and Acorn.

    God bless...

  17. Oh no. Oh Emily. I am so very, very sorry to read the news about you and little Acorn. I wish that they had taken your concerns more seriously. I have never liked the 'just bad luck' explanation as it seems to leave everything too open. I'm just so sorry and so angry on your behalf that you are facing so many of the same issues that you faced in your pregnancy with Aidan for a second time.

    I'm sure you've come across Kanalen?
    Thought it might be helpful. It is so hard when there is a chance of a 'miracle' and it must make it even harder having the professional background that you do. A lady I know PROMed at 17 weeks and made it to nearly 30 - wishing you peace with whichever decision you make xo

  18. Oh I'm so sorry to see this devastating news! My first loss was called a "fluke" too and yet the SAME THING happened again! I don't know what the chances are for Acorn under these circumstances, but it sounds like there is a little hope at least, though I'm sure it's hard to hope after your experience with Aiden. Thinking of you and praying that hope and Acorn can grow.

  19. I have only just caught up on my blog reading and heard about your pprom. I am so heartbroken for you. To have this happen again is very unfair and that is most certainly and understatement. I will be thinking of you and hoping. I have heard so many happy endings, some where women rupture as early as 13 weeks. I know sadly we have both experienced sad endings but this time I really hope you get your happy ending. If I was in your shoes I would continue your pregnancy, there is hope for Acorn.

  20. You've been on my mind, mama. I wish there was an easy answer to this, a clear decision. I'm sorry you and your husband are in this place again. Wishing you peace, and here to hold your hand, no matter what you decide.

  21. I have no words for you right now...but you are in my prayers. I do believe in miracles, so grow little Acorn, grow.

  22. I found your blog through LFCA -- I was on hospital bedrest (on magnesium) for 5 weeks, 4 of those were pre-viability. I know how the days linger and seem to never end. How every day you wake up and wonder if this is the day your baby will live and die.....

    I'm thinking of you....wishing I had better advice. I have twin sons in heaven so I understand a bit of your grief....((hugs))

  23. Here from LFCA and so sorry to learn of all you're facing. I have no idea what the "right" decision is but will be here thinking of you.

  24. Hi sweet Emily... I just wanted to send you support, even though I know it is of little consolation right now. my heart aches for you, as it does for all of us who have been through so much. I wish you peace as you make this decision. I know it is not my place to give blunt suggestions here.. so the best I can offer is to at least try to see this this through as far as Acorn's beating heart will take you. Thought it may not change the outcome, it may give you one ounce of solace to know that you have done/will do everything possible for your child. May you be surrounded by love Emily...

  25. this is so so unfair and i'm so very sorry that you're having to go through this again - you're right to feel angry, i know i would.

    sending you love and strength.


  26. You have every right to feel angry and I cannot imagine how emotionally painful it must be to trapped in bed and have to endure this. I am so very sorry.

  27. I am so sorry, bed rest is very difficult, I did it for just over three months. I felt like I was in a scary circle sometimes trying to avoid worrying to keep my blood pressure down when all I had was time laying heavy on my hands and nothing to do but think.

  28. Here from LFCA.

    I can appreciate your position. I lost my daughter at 23 weeks. I had 3 weeks of bedrest willing her to live, laying on my side etc. I know the desperation you are feeling, and the want to turn the page. It's such a complicated, emotional time.

    I'm just wishing you peace and hope.

    Do whatever you need to do..whatever that means. For me, I chose to stick it out to see if she would make it to 25 weeks. But my body gave out...not her. But that was just me and my choice then. I know women who have succeeded...and there are many. Many.

    Be angry and let yourself grieve this or fight like nobody's business. Know that whatever decision you make is the right decision for you.

    We are here to support you in whatever form you need. Sending hugs and support.

  29. I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through -- and for it to be the second time, I can't imagine your heartache. I did the bedrest thing for a shortening cervix for 2 months -- it was hard, but you can do it. That being said, I wasn't experiencing the level of fear and urgency that you are right now ... I will be keeping you and Acorn in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you strength.

  30. I am so, so sorry. *hug* ... keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  31. I am sending you prayers right now. Hang on little miracle hang on.

  32. I followed a link from another blog.
    I am sorry you are going through this but don't give up there is hope for acorn.
    I ppromed at 21 weeks and spent a long, boring 12 weeks on bedrest. Now I have a beautiful 6mth old who still amazes me everyday.
    It is a tough journey but worth it to give these little ones a chance. I will continue to follow your story and wish acorn the strength to hold on and fight.

  33. I am so, so sorry you are faced with this again. I am in tears thinking of you and wishing I could help. I had no hope of a healthy baby when I ended my pregnancy, so I can't imagine how difficult this is. I just wanted to tell you to trust your own heart. You know what you can bear, no one else has any say. I'm here if you need to talk - my email is on my blog. Please take care of yourself.

  34. Oh Emily,

    I am sooo sorry. This just sucks. Thinking about you - swear, be angry so whatever you have to do to get through this.



  35. I am sooo sorry I have been so out of the loop and am just now writing this. I am so sorry you are going through this again. It's so not okay, so not fair, so wrong on so many levels. I am angry for you (and for my other BLM sisters who can't seem to catch a break). Love you.

  36. So frickin' unfair. :( I am sorry. (((HUGS)))