Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Just breathe

Back at the hospital again. Don't worry, things are fine, as far as a 15 second ultrasound and a manual vaginal exam can tell. (Look there's the baby waving at you! Fluid levels, check! Cervix closed for business!)

After having no bleeding all day on Saturday (Yeah! Maybe it's finally gone. Maybe I can stop worrying! Maybe I can just relax!)...it came back with a vengeance on Sunday, Monday and then again today. When I woke up and passed what looked like much thicker, redder mucous than usual, I started to cry, phoned in to work to say I wasn't coming in, and then called my husband to take me to Emerg.

The emergency room staff was excellent. I was in and out of there in under two hours. Honestly it was quicker than some family doctor visits I've had. The doctor took another vaginal swab (just in case, although he also assured me it likely wasn't an infection, plus hey, what are you gonna do if it grows Group B strep? Answer: nothing except give me IV antibiotics when I deliver!) and took a quick peek on ultrasound assuring me that my cervix was closed and he couldn't see any big blood clots. He did tell me that my placenta is 'low lying, right next to your cervix', but didn't comment on the significance of this. I suppose I could have some minor bleeding from the edge of my placenta, but I'm really hoping it's just some seriously angry cervical cells that are pissed off due to hormonal levels and extra blood flow. Just as long as they stay nice and closed, that's all I'm asking.

It always kind of makes me laugh when they do these 'quick peek' ultrasounds that they start showing my husband and I the baby stating "oh look, see there is the baby's head, and the baby's heart...see there is the baby's heart beating!!". Meanwhile what I REALLY want them to focus on is: How's my cervix? Do you see a subchorionic hemorrhage? Does my placenta look okay? I mean, duh, obviously it TOTALLY matters that the heart is beating but I was already pretty sure about Acorn's being okay since I can feel him/her moving. Plus I can hear the heartbeat at home on my doppler. I feel like saying "I came to the emergency room for info I don't already know...like where the HELL I'm bleeding from???!!!"

So once again we left mildly reassured but with the warning, "it's probably nothing, but come back if it gets worse". I'm sure they think I'm the crazy anxious pregnancy after loss mom (I'm sure the staff just LOVE us PALMs), but I think I would have been able to remain fairly calm this pregnancy if I wasn't bleeding. As I've noted before, everyone thinks their pregnancy is going to go bad in the same way the next time. That I've having bleeding in my second pregnancy, which was the same initial cause for concern in my first pregnancy OBVIOUSLY MAKES ME ANXIOUS. Plus all the pregnancy books say "if you're bleeding don't pass go, don't collect $200, go see your doctor". See I'm being good! I'm going by what the book said! The books don't mention what to do when your doctor doesn't know what's going on.

I also got a note saying that I'll need to be off work for the rest of the week. This too makes me anxious because this is exactly what happened at the beginning of Aidan's pregnancy. "Oh yes, you have a subchorionic hemorrhage. Yes, better stay home and relax for a few days..." Which turned into 12 weeks of bed rest and a dead baby. Still, I'd rather be a home right now. I'm too anxious to go to work and have to deal with other people's medical stress.

Also, in other WTF news, my husband was in a (minor) car accident on his way home to pick me up to go to the hospital. The accident wasn't at all my husband's fault, and no one was hurt, but seriously, poor timing much?

I keep reminding myself "it could be worse Emily...you know how much worse it can be. This is nothing. Baby is fine. Bleeding is (probably) nothing. Husband is fine. Car can be fixed. No one has died."

Pleasepleaseplease, just let it stay that way.

Just breathe.


  1. Oh mama, you so don't need this. I think you're handling it so well, from what I've read here.
    Funny how all of our losses make us react differently in hospital and with ultrasounds. I generally need them to go right to the heartbeat. I've never had cervix problems (which I know doesn't mean I might some day) but I had them go right for the cervix or baby's spine or checking if there were five damn toes, and I'd be thinking, please check that heartbeat. Now!
    I really hope this mystery situation sorts itself out, and soon.
    Thinking of you all the way.

  2. I had a low lying placenta with my last child and as the pregnancy progressed and the uterus grew it "pulled up" and the placenta eventually ended up higher and out of the way. This happens in most cases. If not, they'd do a cesarian, but it usually moves up out of the way, so the odds are good.

  3. Let me preface this comment by saying that I hate it when others say to me "Oh, my friend, my cousin, my cousin's sister, had that and it all turned out okay!". Great! That just makes me feel cheery because I seem always to fall in the 1% chance of what shouldn't happen...

    That said, I have a cousin who had a low-lying placenta and had bleeding throughout her pregnancy and her baby was born full-term and all is well. I know that if situations were reversed and someone told me this, I would take an ounce of hope but still feel guarded because, hey, my child already died and it seems that the worst can happen to me...

    Does that make sense? I'm just trying to offer a story of hope even though I, myself, don't know if I necessarily feel better when others try to give me hope in the same way. (But you do have so much to be hopeful for! So many good signs and good reports!)

    Like you said, just try to stay calm. Be proud of yourself and your husband for facing a pregnancy after loss and for keeping it together every day. It's about the second scariest thing in the world it seems.

  4. Ugh...this is definitely the last thing you need. I'm so sorry to hear you had another awful scare. Glad you were able to get a peak at baby and given some reassurance. Definitely hoping things settle down for you and all of this drama is over. Wishing you only continued positive news & hope that all will be okay ((hugs))

  5. So glad to hear that things are still progressing, although I wish you could move forward without all the extra drama and anxiety!

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.