Sunday, January 30, 2011

Telling Someone

I hate to admit it, but I'm not excited about telling our families or friends about all. This has nothing to do (of course) with being sad about being pregnant. I am grateful, happy and not taking it for granted. (Very very happy. Very very grateful. Keep growing Acorn!!)

So why wouldn't I want to share that?

Why wouldn't I want to relish in the joy of others?

I remember promising myself way back when, that I would try to celebrate the next baby more. I was sad I didn't do more celebrating with Aidan, and maybe if I had, people would have been sadder too when he died. Not just for us, but for themselves. That they missed out on meeting Aidan and watching him grow up. It is never a bad thing when many many people love your child. Love makes children's lives richer, fuller, better....

So why am I so reluctant to even squeek out the words "I'm pregnant?" (I can barely even talk about it with medical professionals without feeling uncomfortable...)

To psyche myself up for eventually telling my family, I decided to tell a woman at work after our ultrasound last week. This is the woman that I work every shift with and she drives me home after work. I spend quite a bit of time with her from Monday to Thursday every week. We've spent a lot of time talking about our families, work, our hobbies, her living children and my dead one, etc. So I figured she would be the perfect person to try 'coming out' to.

She squeeled and almost started to cry (perhaps telling her while driving home wasn't the best plan?), and immediately started to say things like "I knew it!" and "Oh, I can't wait to see you with a baby bump, you'll be so cute..." and so on and so forth.

Inside I was squirming. Of course what starts running through my head is "Oh God, what if something happens...I'd have to un-tell her and that would suck so she's all excited and saying things like she'll be a the baby's 'work auntie'...oh no, please please please don't let this baby die. Please let her get to continue being happy for me. Acorn, mommy really needs you to be okay!"

So, yeah...maybe not quite ready to out myself to anyone else yet.

Any tips? Would telling our families in an e-mail that we're pregnant again be weird? Of course then we'd have to not answer our phone for awhile too...


  1. This was a really hard thing for my husband and I, too. We didn't tell anyone until I was about 14 weeks along. And even then it was difficult. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and shaking when I finally called my mom to break the news. I could barely spit out the words.

    We probably would have held off telling anyone - but it was getting hard to pretend that nothing was going on.

    As far as tips... I'm not sure what to say. At some point, you will tell everyone. And if you are anything like me, the squirming feeling you got after telling your co-worker is pretty much how you will feel even when telling family. The uneasiness has never really gone away for me, unfortunately.

    Sorry if I'm a downer - but I thought I'd at least be honest. Even all these weeks later, it's hard to listen to our families squeal and gush about this baby. I'm grateful, so grateful, to be pregnant - and that our families are so excited. But it is REALLY hard, too. People seem to think it erases the loss of our past babies, and they don't seem to understand why we are so cautious.

    My original plan was to somehow hide the pregnancy the entire time, and just show up at a family function with a baby in tow.


  2. This was an issue for me as well. I found people's excitement and confidence in my pregnancy hard to stomach. All the "oh it will be fine this time" and the "don't worry, it wont happen again" and just plain old "how exciting!!!" really got to me in the end. Each time I told someone, it felt like it got harder
    No real advice, just take your time and do what feels right.
    Also know that you're not alone.

  3. That's a toughie, I get asked all the time now because I made the mistake of telling people that we did want to start trying again right away. But then I realize that it wasn't so much that I told people that but that people always asked and I just answered honestly. I've been pretty up front when people ask by saying No, and then telling them I would say that whether I was or wasn't at this point because we don't want to let the news out until my first trimester is over anyways. That has stopped some people from asking :) I think it would be hard to deal with the excitement and squealing and crying when there are so many assorted emotions running through you. Take your time, you've got it- and let the news out when it feels right. You could just say nothing and eventually it'll become obvious and when your family is like, "um.. so.. your looking a little.. do you think you could be pregnant? Are you?" You can just shrug and be like "oh yeah.. did I forget to mention that? I'm due next week" lol

  4. Once I announced on my blog my family knew and it's been okay. I haven't been able to keep my mouth shut and I'm already showing and have decided not to hide it. The support has been incredible and necessary for my mental health. I try not to think about everyone I would have to tell if this baby doesn't make it. It's early days so miscarriage is still a possibility.

    You'll know when you're ready to share. And I think sharing via e-mail is a great idea. I called two people and nearly choked when they said "congratulations!" The rest I handled over e-mail and through my blog and then I didn't answer my phone for three days.

  5. You have to do what's best for you. My thoughts are that I did everything possible for Aidan, I loved him with all my heart and soul and I want to do the same for Nugget. I didn't want to look back and think wow, I just totally took that pregnancy for granted because I was too afraid. Of course I'm afraid, but blurting it out to everyone made me feel like I could talk to them about my fears.

    I also didn't want to "rob" my family of the excitement that we had with Aidan. I told them to not talk about the future with me (Oh I can't wait for next summer to do something with Nugget.) and that their responsibility was to be excited while I take the fear.

    Good luck and remember to do what you need to do.

  6. Well, I'll be honest. After Liam I didn't want to tell anyone, family included, until after the 1st trimester. Then I got pregnant again in Oct and we didn't tell anyone and it was great to have to ourselves for awhile because with Liam we told everyone right away, so it felt good to be different. But then I found out it was a missed miscarriage and instead of telling family and friends "Yeah, I'm pregnant" I was instead saying "Good news is that I'm pregnant. Terrible news is that I'm miscarrying." So I'm not saying this to tell my bad story of two losses and scare you or worry you. I'm just trying to say, honestly, regardless you are going to tell those important to you about the good and the bad. So, enjoy, relish the good and continue to be optimistic. For the sake of sanity more than anything else.

    I hate to mention bad outcomes. I never heard the heartbeat in the 2nd pregnancy. Acorn is doing great and I'm very optimistic (and jealous sadly) for you.

  7. I was really super...detached from my pregnancy at first. Not that I wasn't excited or didn't want to be pregnant, but I thought it was too good to be true. I had told my mom and best friend right away (like the day after I found out) but didn't tell anyone else until 12 weeks. Still not out on Facebook or "public" yet and I'm 17 weeks...though it's getting harder to hide, ha.