Reflecting on dead baby math

Um (peaks around the corner), hi...

So....

I'm at 25 comments and counting on my last post.

Apparently dead baby math evokes some strong feelings in people since it's my highest commented post ever (by a lot).

Thanks for not flaming me.

By my previous post I did not at all mean to imply that if you have older children or have subsequent children, that somehow the dead baby is rendered irrelevant. He or she is never irrelevant. Ever. No matter what. I think I will struggle with this within my only family when (if?) Brian and I ever have another child. I think our families will be so 'thrilled!' and 'stoked!' to find out we are pregnant again, that they will want to seem overly positive. We will likely get comments to the tune of "this one is going to turn out okay, I can just feel it" or "see, I knew it would happen for you!" or some other irritatingly cheerful bullshit. I will nod and smile, because really, I hope those things too.

But inside I will be FUMING for Aidan. The next baby is just that...the NEXT baby...it is not an Aidan replacement. Another child does not make his loss "okay"...but it would make us parents, and not *just* a (babylost) Mom and Dad.

If I cannot have Aidan I will be eternally grateful for any subsequent living healthy children, but it will not mean I miss him any less.

My anger and resentment to those who have other children or an easy time getting pregnant is completely a reflection of where I'm at right now. As we are nearing Halloween and cute costumed baby and child pictures are cropping up, I wonder if I will ever get to do that with my child. As pregnancy after pregnancy, after healthy baby delivery gets announced at work, within my family, on facebook, in the media, and between friends...I ache to know that feels like...even if it can't be with Aidan. I want to be a participant and not just a spectator.

We are nearing the end of cycle 5 after Aidan and while my boobs are slightly sore and I *might* have had a slight twinge of nausea...I find it trying to keep up the constant hope that "maybe this cycle will be it!" and expect to get a healthy baby in 9 months. Having had no experience with a healthy, normal pregnancy I flash to miscarriages, pPROM, prolapsed cords, genetic defects, asphyxiated deliveries and all the other multiple horrors that can occur. To actually get a healthy, living baby seems like the miracle, not the norm.

I just wish my dead baby math stood at zero.