Friday, May 14, 2010

Every night I save you

When Brian and I first moved in together we watched the entire series of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and it's spin-off 'Angel'. He had never seen them, and they were (and still are) my favourite shows ever. When we had finished watching them in their entirity, over a 7 month period, we almost felt lost without them. I would often say to Brian "I miss Buffy".

We made a deal that, when I was pregnant we could watch them again. At the time we knew it would be a few years before that happened, so it felt like a good bargin. Fast forward almost 2 years and the first thing I said to Brian after peeing on the stick was, "So when are we going to start watching 'Buffy' & 'Angel'?"...and he knew what I meant. He smiled so wide and his response was "REALLY??"

We started watching them when I started bedrest. It felt right. Here I was, needing to lie around all day and keep myself busy. I think I finished the first season in under a week.

I was on the last season of 'Buffy', and the second last season of 'Angel' when Aidan was born & died. It was the last TV show I watched before Brian went to bed and I started to go into labour.

Why am I telling you about this? Well it's my blog so I'll tell you what I want to tell you. But I was thinking today of a conversation that occurred in 'Buffy'. In the 3rd episode of the 6th season, Buffy returns from the dead (oh would that it were so easy) and a man who loves her gets to tell her about the guilt he felt after she died. I have always thought, even before Aidan, that it was one of the most honest, and beautiful, TV conversations I've ever heard.

So here it is:

I want you to know I did save you.
Not when it counted, of course.
But after that.
Every night after that.
I'd see it all again, do something different.
Faster or more clever, you know?
Dozens of times,
lots of different ways ...
Every night I save you.

Although I know in my mind it was impossible, not my fault, and that I did the best I could... my mind I save you...every night I save you.


  1. i have been reading your blog from the beginning, and have managed so far to keep the tears in check. but this is heart-wrenching. i re-play my water breaking and son's cord prolapsing, and dr telling me there's no heartbeat over and over and over again, and imagine all the things i wish i had done or not done. IF ONLY we had a rewind button!

  2. This is probably one of my favourite posts of my own. I seriously LOVE that conversation between Buffy and Spike and it sums up what we all feel. We wish so badly we could have saved them. We imagine it over and Spike said in his awesome British accent `faster or more clever, you know`...cheating death.

    So thanks Jane Espenson for writing the words that so perfectly capture my babylost heart.

  3. To clarify, because all of you probably aren`t huge nerds like me, but Jane Espenson wrote that episode of Buffy.