Thursday, May 6, 2010

Already falling behind as a blogger

I know I promised to write the rest of Aidan's story on here...well the rest of his pregnancy story, and I have so far not done that. It's just that it's so long and complicated and mostly sad. As much as I want to remember him, his pregnancy wasn't easy. It was stressful and complicated, and we had so little good news. There was maybe a month total where I really believed we might bring him home.

What really makes me sad is thinking how short our time with him was. I thought tonight as I watched one of 'my shows' that Aidan was a living being for less time than a TV show season lasts. The particular show I was watching started last September-ish and will probably be finishing up in a few weeks...and Aidan's life was shorter. It doesn't seem fair that he didn't get as much 'air' time as a crummy TV series.

On a nicer note, I ordered really nice photo cards tonight from a 'build your own card' website. It was something I was looking forward to doing when I thought we would get to bring Aidan home. I love crafty computer stuff like that. I did a lot of it for our wedding. However, it became quickly apparent there are no 'dead' baby annoucements out there. All the templates I had to work with were regarding living babies. Perhaps it's not the first thing you would think of for a bereaved parent, but having a beautiful baby annoucement is something that really helps. It shows how much we love Aidan and how much a part of our lives he was going to be. It also keeps him in people's thoughts and gives them a picture to remember him by.

I'm amazed at how much I don't want people to forget about him. I know he wasn't a 'present' being for so many, also because I kept it that way. I didn't tell many people that I was pregnant for fear that something would go wrong. I was afraid of having my loss hurt other people, and I was afraid that having to tell them about a loss would hurt me more. I guess I also didn't want the 'YEAH, you're having a baby' excitement tossed at me, because I was so afraid the whole time. It was hard to get excited with how scared I was that I would lose him. A lot of people I know found out about him only after he died. Because of this, I want to celebrate him all the more. He didn't get that while he was I need to do it now for him.

I hope next time that I'm pregnant (please let there be a next time), that I will be able to enjoy the moment more and not worry so much. I hope that Aidan has helped me to worry less. There is so much in this life that I can't change, and no amount of worry or fear will make that any different. They say losing your child is the worst thing that can ever happen to you...and if that's true, I'm surviving it. There is nothing left to fear.

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