Monday, July 30, 2012

Here we go

It's official.  I'm heading back to work in two weeks.  And...(cue dramatic music)...I'm going back to the NICU.

*Thunder, lightning bolts*

I spent a good two hours a day the last few months looking for a new job. One that would be personally fulfilling, not too stressful, easy to get to, allow me to maximize my time home with Kaia and provide enough of an income and benefits in order to sustain our lifestyle...and I just couldn't find anything else that felt like it was going to fit.  Unlike Goldilocks and her three beds, I'm giving up on *just right*.  No matter what, I'm going to have to make sacrifices.  We are not in a position where I could be a SAHM, and honestly, I'm not sure that I really want to be.  I LIKE having a career...I worked hard for it.  I've got *mad skillz* and it really is a shame if I don't use and build on them.

But...

I'm going to miss being home with Kaia every day.  The days that I work I won't see her at all. I still can't quite wrap my head around this yet.  Won't.  See.  Her.  At.  All,  What?!  My baby girl!  My Kaia! My lovely little barnacle that's been attached to my arm for the last year will be half a city away for almost 11 hours a day while I'm at work... with an (almost) stranger??!  How can that be?!

But...

Maybe it will be good for her?  Kaia LOVES interaction with others.  She's a people person and gets a kick out of going places outside her norm.  She takes everything in with her eyes wide open and seems genuinely happy when around groups. She has adjusted well to every situation we've put her in the last year, so maybe she'll be happy to have a change of pace. So far, the babysitter we have lined up doesn't have any other kids to take care of, but that might change.  If so, Kaia will have other kids to play with.  Kids that will talk to her, play with her, teach her things, fight with her and challenge her.  We may never be able to provide a sibling for Kaia, and if that's the case, I feel we need to start building in opportunities for her interact with other kids...so why not start now?

But...

I'm nervous about going back there.  The last shift I worked in the NICU was the night before I started GUSHING blood when I was pregnant with Aidan at around 11 weeks pregnant.  So much has happened since then.  The NICU is such an intense place, with such high standards.  It's physically demanding being on the ball (and on your feet!) for 12 hours at a time.  It's never knowing when you are going to get a break.  It's placing the demands of not just the patient, but the TEAM above your own (hey, look it's almost 5 pm and now that everyone is squared away I can finally eat lunch!!!).  It's never knowing what's going to happen next (the baby was fine...and then 20 minutes later he wasn't).  It's switching your days and nights around and working weekends and holidays (sucky, made even more sucky when you're missing your kid enjoy fun family times). I know I can do the job.  I'm just not sure about the toll.  Will it be too much?  Just before, and when trying to get pregnant with Aidan, it was too much.  I was anxious about getting pregnant and it led to depression. I felt overwhelmed with the fear of what was going to happen and it translated into insomnia. I was consumed with the fear of what could go wrong when having babies, because I saw it every day.  I never had that safe bubble of "that won't happen to me", because I saw it happen to people like me all the time.  I'm not saying I'm psychic or anything of that nature, but the year before Aidan died, when it came to my anxiety level, it was almost like I was pre-grieving his loss.  It was like I *knew* something was coming...it just ended up being because of my placenta instead of my heart. Going back to the NICU is bringing all this up, so maybe it's understandable that I'm nervous.

But...

Maybe it's time to pay it forward.  Go back to help patients and families who are still in the thick of it as they struggle to make it through, hopefully (but never guaranteed) with a well baby at the end of it all. I may find I have a lot more to give because I've grown a lot in the last two years.  I've had experiences that directly relate to the people I'm trying to help.  I've had two terrible, frightening, complicated pregnancies.  My first born died.  I grieve for him.  My second lived, and spent 50 days in an NICU being cared for by someone other than me.  I've (cyber) met all of you.  I've read so many powerful stories of women (and a few men) who've lived through the worst too and lived to tell about it.  Your stories have given me strength, hope and sometimes even made me laugh when I didn't think I could.  In my own life, I've had to learn to roll with things.  Learned to relax.  Learned to let go.  I had to.  It was that, or fall apart.  I learned I'm not in control.  I can't fix everything.  I can't be everything to everyone.  I can plot and plan until my heart's content, but that doesn't mean it's always going to go my way, it just means I have to keep trying.  All I can do is my best, and hope the rest falls into place.

But...

I'm still nervous...and I'm really hoping it all goes well.

Supportive comments appreciated, as always.


9 comments:

  1. I can't even fathom how anxious you must be to step foot in there again. It's a terrifying and wonderful place, all wrapped up in one.

    All I can say is that we won't ever forget the kindness we were shown while dealing with the most traumatic and devastating experience of our lives... If you're able to parlay even a smidgen of your experience into hope for the next family that comes along... I mean, that would be worth it the going back, you know?

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  2. I went back to the NICU as well, after a 12 week absence after a stillbirth. I was pretty out of control for a while, but you've had much more time. Your friends are there and there is nothing like a fresh baby, even if it isn't yours. Have fun!

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  3. I haven't been by in ages, and then I clicked through after seeing your blog linked on Mo and Will's.

    Wow. Kaia is so big (and beautiful!) and you are going back to work. I cannot comment on the NICU part except to echo what those above have said, that it would seem that your experiences (combined with your spirit) position you really well to help families and babies who find themselves in a difficult (understatement) place. But beyond that ... I went back to work when my son was much younger than Kaia (without having navigated all the many issues you and she have so I'm not trying to compare but just to situate) and -- loved it. Having time to myself and being among other adults and doing the career I'm trained for have been just fabulous; I've been blessed with great care for my son, he's thrived being around a few other caregivers and other kids. Beyond that, having had teenaged (now adults) stepkids I know that there will never be a time when he doesn't need me, so having the financial security (or at least some of it) to be able to work less-than-full-time when he is older (and so on) is I think a good, responsible parenting decision (certainly not the only one possible -- we all make tradeoffs -- but among those that make good sense for the well being and care provision of my son as well as for myself).

    I hope that helps and wish you a smooth transition as you head back.

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  4. I'll be thinking of you over the coming months and the big life change. I hope that being back in the nicu will be easier than expected and that Kaia adapts well to daycare.

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  5. I too will be thinking of you.
    xo

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  6. Going back to work after a whole year home with our little ones is tough, I couldn't even fathom having to go work in a NICU though. But, you can do it and I think the experiences you have had in the past 2 years will make you an amazing NICU nurse.

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  7. Going to back to work is rough, let alone the NICU. I agree with PP though...going back after all you've been through is going to make you an amazing NICU nurse!

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  8. I think it is wonderful that you are going back to the NICU and so brave of you. I am a RN and have no NICU experience (mostly Recovery Room and Operating Room) but I have thought a lot about going back to work one day and if I did, I think I would feel a pull toward the NICU. I think nurses/mothers like us have so much to offer in that environment. You were a wonderful nurse before and you will be even better now. I can't imagine how hard it will be to leave your sweet girl but like you said, I think that the experience with other children will be good for her and for you!

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  9. Just catching up after a looong week. I was saying to myself while reading "you will be a wonderful support for people like 'us' when you go back".. then I read your last paragraph.. and I echo every single word of it. You have a great deal to give to families who will come your way.. and that's an amazing gift.
    xo

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