The Control of Birth

Since Kaia is now almost 8 months old, I'm technically 2 months past the point where I could be considered to be 'effectively' using the lactation amenorrhea method of birth control, since it's recommended only in the first 6 months postpartum. Although, I looked it up today and according to Wikipedia, I never really was doing it correctly since I pumped rather than breastfed and you technically have to have your boobs in your kid's mouth in order to be doing it right. Huh? Who knew? Oh well, since my period hasn't returned, it's hard to feel as though I really have to worry, although I know I could ovulate prior to having my period.

Although I really don't want another child right now (I'd like to sleep through the night again at least once and maybe have a few more dollars in my bank account before that happens), I'm finding it really difficult to contemplate taking 'control' of my fertility. I'm a little apathetic if you really want to know.

Both my family doctor and my cardiologist have asked if we're planning to have any more kids, prescription pads at the ready in case I want The Pill. When I sort of shrug my shoulders and say "we're not sure...", they both say "oh yes, given all the problems you experienced, it would be a big decision..." The problem is that I don't know if we'll ever be ready to MAKE that decision. Both Brian and I are so torn on this issue. Brian's exact words were "I'm leaning towards 'no', although I'd love another child". A wishy washy statement if I ever heard one. My feelings are so all over the place that I can only boil it down to monosyllabic *sighs* and *ughs* and shrugs of shoulders.

It's totally ostrich head in the sand of us, but starting some form of birth control seems a little ironic since it's hard to feel like we ever really had any control of our fertility in the first place. It took awhile to get pregnant both times, it took added progesterone both times to make our babies 'sticky', and it went totally off the rails both times with the same complication that is so rare as to have almost zero info about it on the internet. One baby died, the other survived. We had no control in either case.

Deciding to use birth control means then you have to pick a type. I'm not suppose to use any which have estrogen in them since that can up your chances of blood clots and my cardiologist has nixed that. So that basically leaves the 'mini' pill with progesterone only, Depo provera which I tried and hated, an IUD which looks like a teeny tiny torture device and kind of freaks me out, condoms which seem kind of 'casual partner' for people who've been married for almost 4 years, and sterilization which is a little too permanent.

What I would really love is a form of birth control that gradually 'fades out' over time. Like a pill that dissolves over a two-ish year period. So it would be super effective right now, but at some point, unbeknownst to us it would become less so, until around the two year mark it would be all gone and we'd be fertile again without even knowing it. Then if it happens, it happens. That way, I wouldn't have to make a decision along the lines of "Yes, we've 'decided' to have another child! Now we're going off birth control! Pregnancy soon to follow!" Ugh. Just the thought of deciding when and how and if we're ready makes me kind of nauseous...but not pregnant nauseous I swear.

I have also fantasized about being one of those moms on that ridiculous show "I didn't know I was pregnant?!" I would gradually just start to get fatter and we'd all think "gee, Emily's been digging into the sweets a bit too much lately hasn't she?" and then at some point after 'viability' I'd go in for a doctor's visit saying "I don't know what's going on Doc. I've gained a lot of weight lately and I'm tired all the time, and my feet are a bit swollen, and I think I have indigestion!" My doctor would look at me like I'm crazy and say "Emily, I think you're pregnant" and then I'd have an ultrasound and a perfectly healthy baby (with a perfectly healthy placenta and lots of amniotic fluid) would be found swimming around, content as can be. Gosh! I'm pregnant?! What a surprise! Boy...I have no idea how that happened! But we'll take him or her anyway!

*Snort* Yeah right.

I'm thinking about this more because last week I had J. and her daughter C. over for lunch. She told me she's pregnant. First try. Zipidee do da!

Friend me is happy for them. Dead baby mother/difficult pregnancy me is jealous as hell.

Then Saturday morning Brian wakes me up with, "I just got a text message from J.'s husband and J. is having some spotting. Could you call her?"

I immediately felt my stomach do that weird little flip flop, and my heart jumped into my throat. Oh yes, THAT feeling. How could I ever forget it? It's almost like an old friend. Panic, with an edge of despair. Like trying to hold tight to water. Nothing you can do.

As far as I know, things are fine with J. but it really smacked me upside the head: You're not ready.

Don't know if we'll ever be.

If you'd like to share, how did you 'decide' you were ready for a/nother child? If you got up the courage after a loss, how did you do it? What type of birth control do you use? Do you like it?