Tomorrow is the 8th of November. Besides being the day after my dad's birthday (Happy Birthday Dad)...the 8th of November 2010 is exactly one year from my LMP with Aidan. This is the date that the medical professional is referring to when he or she asks "so when was your last menstrual period" during those early pregnancy appointments. It's the date that is usually used to calculate your due date (assuming you have a 28 day cycle and ovulate on day 14...) My due date was special to me because it was my deceased grandmother's birthday (August 15th) and although I knew Aidan wouldn't likely arrive on that day...it was nice having that little extra specialness attached to the date he was SUPPOSED to be here.
So, as we hit November 8th and approach the holiday season I know I will now start the dreaded comparison of 2009 to 2010. You know "last year at this time..."
I hate that I'm not pregnant by this date. I really wanted to be. I really wanted something else to focus on rather than the heartbreaking comparisons between 2009 and 2010. Comparisons are the bane of my existence right now and I'm trying so hard not to focus on them...but it's hard not to. Comparing my life with the lives of our friends who have children (their lives seem like way more fun). Comparing our lives with the lives we had last year (still in the same place, double income, no kids). Comparing the amount of time we've been TTC with the amount of time other people have been TTC (often way, way longer).
This weekend was a pretty down one for both my husband and I. I'm starting to notice the sadness affecting my husband more. I think he's starting to do more of the 'comparison' between ourselves and others. When we first lost Aidan, and I would gripe about seeing babies and small children all around us he would say "It doesn't bother me. Those babies aren't Aidan. I miss our baby and those babies aren't ours". As much as I could see his point...seeing those babies bothered me. Now, seeing babies is starting to bother him as much or more than it bothers me. He was a little upset last weekend when our friend came by to show off her 9 month old daughter in her costume. He seemed more down after hearing from his friend who told him they have joined the Y to take their baby swimming in the kiddie pool. Brian said to me this weekend "it's just that it's been awhile now and nothing has changed".
I get exactly what he means. It has been awhile and it does feel sometimes like we are stuck in the same mire we've been in since April, while everyone else is speeding on ahead. We are tired of the mire...can we just get on to something ELSE already? Something hopefully involving a positive pregnancy test and a healthy (living, born at the appropriate gestational age) baby? I mean, I know another baby will not make us any less sad about Aidan's death...but it would help us to feel less like failures, more like we belong and heal our hearts a little. Is that too much to ask?
Of course when I start feeling like "Damn we're in the exact same place as we were last year. Life has lost all forward momentum." I have to remind myself that No, actually lots of things have changed. We have moved this year. We moved to places we didn't necessarily want to go...but we are not the same people we were last year on November 8th. I had my first pregnancy this year. For the first time we saw our little baby kick and squirm on the ultrasound images. We fell in love with him. We went through hell knowing that we were likely going to lose this precious little being. We had to make serious medical choices that nobody should ever have to make. I birthed my child. My husband held his first baby. We had to cremate him and decide what to do with his urn. We have spent time creating a legacy for him through pictures, music, this blog, my necklace and trying to incorporate his name and his memory into our lives. We bought a treadmill and both of us have become better at running. My husband lost almost 25 lbs and has committed to a healthier lifestyle. We spent more time at the cottage this year than we have in many years. We've spent more time together this year, and have learned how strong we are. I got a new job where I'm learning things I never thought I'd know. We've both met and come to like new colleagues. We have needed and received the support of our families and friends. We are committed to doing whatever we can to ensure the eventual being and health of our next child.
I have to keep reminding myself, it's actually been a very big year.
One that was, probably the saddest and most heartbreaking of my life, but that I wouldn't trade for the world.
Do you find yourself stuck in the mire and questioning life's forward momentum? What do you do to pull yourself out and to keep putting one foot in front of the other?